You know its funny because I assume Jill will read this before you do, I'm sure she'll pass it on to you in some form. You know that I love you, I feel this abyss has openned up between us, this akward space after my removal from Longview. I can't look back at that time and feel justified, I can't look back and think that you made a poor choice, or that darrel made a poor choice no matter what those of you who did come together and agree feel now.
I was falling apart. I continue to do so, I go relationship to relationship, house to house, car to car. I have no savings and I have no security. Family functions are nice, I feel loved.. But looking back all my foolish desires with that van come down to that distinct difference between us. So close in age so different in demeanor. I feel like an outcast, I must draw myself that way, perpetuate it with every thought and breath. I haven't been foreman of more than 30 jobs in my eight strong years of roofing. thats 1%. Am I never cut out for that? I don't even know how my sales percentage came out. I never saw those numbers. What can I assume but that they were poor? If I was doing well I would have heard about it.
I take all of this too serious. I asked for your advice and you replied to me that common sense was lacking. Those were not your words, but that is what I heard you say.
As if it was obvious to you how I should behave, but not obvious why I acted in some invalid manner.
I have brushed aside so much in my life that pushes me to be that person that I need to be. Something within me grabs me by the head and pushes me, baring down upon my will to fight against that humble voice that whispers to me the key of sucess. It is there, by now I must know what to do in almost every situation. It has been so long for me here, and I just wonder how it all fits. The bigger picture.
What is really stopping me? Am I addicted to destroying my good fortune and lucky breaks? Am I addicted to surrounding myself with foolish people and failing situations?
I must break the cycle. I love you, and the abyss between us must close. This rift I cannot bear to see between us every time our eyes meet.
If you feel any negativity over what has come between us I am very sorry, but I do not fault you, I place the blame upon my own inability to properly percieve the actions that place us in the greatest light and the strongest position. For us all, because we are in this together