Friday, December 30, 2011


its a movie worth buying. I am indifferent to name calling preference <3

Stealing is not in my nature. I simply do not believe that information should be purchased. Entertainment should be purchased but information is free. Movies are a different deal. I steal movies because there is no respectably strong theater. 40 dollars to go to the theater and eat [lame] and for real

for real. I buy all my leisure books =) Hunger games, awesome.

Most of my music I also do not buy. Just like movies I could but I do not. Often I do not listen to the music more than a few times. Movies as well. I usually feel empty. Some movies could be worth paying for. Most things are worth paying for but then I counter saying

"I work out in the rain, hard, painful work. I make less than 3k a month. Why should actors, who in my opinion do not work hard, filled with pain, make SO MUCH MORE MONEY than I do?"

Not a rational fight here at this time in society.
Actors, sports affiliates/players, movie stars all seem to earn incredible amounts of money for doing very little work and supporting a system of propaganda that ignores real world problems and diverts attention to loops of garbage that helps us forget we are destroying each other and this planet with a copacetic ignorance that makes me sick

I can rant forever. So many silly things abound.

We need to stop killing eachother. We need to stop focus crops based on addictions like chocolate nicotine cocain heroin etc. Small amounts are good, we need more food. We need every man and woman driven to improve the planet

Will never happen. I am surrounded by school children pretending to be adults. All violence is childish and beneath ME. I would love to see all farmers go hydroponic. I would love to see city's go underground instead of suffocating the surface. I would love to see massive Ocean driven power plants replace nuclear/coal/oil/river power generation. There are so many prudent responsible actions that we as a species ignore that I try my best to forget and just go back to work.

How can I wake up and sway an entire planet of brainwashed drama addicted monkeys pretending to be civilized cultivated Jones's?

I can't.


On the small scale I am in love. I have strong income and low bills. I have growing savings and a full checking account. I have so many loving supportive friends and family. I have so many things to be thankful for! I eat well work well sleep well.

Life is good in the small view. Better than ever!

It is good to share.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

so much to say, too tired to go on

HI. I'm paranoid. I always have been. From the beginning I placed value upon you that maybe no one else would. I was worried you would leave. I was worried you would fuck my friends and or fuck your friends. Why wouldn't you? You could. Getting away with it, not being discovered didn't play into it because I was fanatically addicted to what you gave to me. The support was unparralel. Fantastic.

It's all gone and with all that I have learned and experienced some things still come floating up.

You said you just now found the balls to ask for the money I have been avoiding giving you. I tell you that I didn't know, did not realize I wasn't paying my share. I am paranoid that you don't believe that. You can't believe that because you were thinking all those months that I did know, that I was laughing about it, loving all that extra money I was getting without sharing it with you and our beautiful child when you both needed it most.

I have this terrible image in my mind imagining this terrible monster you seem to say that I am. You said that I was. You said it a few times from what Vanessa mentioned to me as you raged against her falling in love with me. Like it was impossible, like I am some sort of feind incapable of being kind or loving.

You are missing a vital key element: I am not the same man that I was with you. I am not the same man that I was with you and me and Toby. I can not be, will not be that man ever again. You broke me so good, you made me wake up and realize the monster that I had become and most if not all the things that ruined our relationship I discarded.

I discarded those things for us. For you and I and Mara and never really made it back to you all the way. I never understood you or treated you right and you did the same for me. Failing to understand me, failing to see me.

So now an ugly picture of you emerges. A cold hearted bitch that talks shit about me while I am taking actions against your will. Trying to steer me and when I fail to heel you rage and make a fuss where I cannot hear or see and let it smolder.

I don't want to believe it, but I am paranoid. I wonder if you hate me, really think that I might hate you, that I enjoy seeing you in pain. That I am like my father in so many ways, that I am so many things that I said I was not.

Now from your new vantage point you can see me for this animal I am. These things you have said over time and they all add up to the way you treat me in person, to the way Richie treats me in your home and I don't give a fuck about how polite it seems to be if it is all a shame.

It disgusts me to think that you cannot be open with me about the way you feel, that your secret emotions, your secret perception of me is so important that you hide it, that you do not verbally attack me for fear that I will respond and do my best to rip it apart and then as I leave feeling justified you pick up the pieces of bullshit you have assembled about me and claim they are all still true and that somehow I used my vast power over words and the situation to manipulate you for a short time into agreeing that I am correct and you are wrong about me.

Oh I think evil thoughts. I have plans to take the Jeep, take the baby, take everything I can from you like some sick fuck. Just as I have dreams of us happy together wherever whatever. I have plans to be at your wedding with Richie or whoever you find

But you see fantasy and reality are different.

I don't take the Jeep because of honor. I wont take your child or do you any harm because it is against my code of conduct. Fuck the consequences reality sets and the rules set down by the government. I don't give a fuck about any of that compared to my own moral structure.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


I come accross only fragments of my memories with him. He was at first a man that was close enough to me that I did not faulter, I did not hesitate to let him close enough to put soap in my mouth, a lesson for speaking too loose that I never understood, not till my lips were sealed shut by many more instances and punishments tho more silent less abrupt less blatant and forward. Less agressive and loving. I would say that he loved me, I would say many of them loved me as much as they tolerated me in my way for being as odd as I was. I will never know. I only have my memories and they are clouded with my own imagination. What is not imagined is the last time that I saw him and the awkward way that I made everyone feel. They hardly worked, tho we took enough sillypsybin to work for us all and it was overly dissapointed and in such an odd space with his mother there in the home if I remember and we all just wandered around and didn't do anything productive. So many trips ended up that way. I would love to take him somewhere and drop some of this LSD. That would show him. That took me to another world where only the forehead of my lover was there and the white light I can never remember properly only the intricate web of things that surrounded me all the rainbow thoughts winding together and singing to me

Enemys again?

I will never try to take Mara from you, I will never tell her you are bad or wrong. I will never tell her I know better than you [because I do not] I will never tell her to leave you and be with me. I will never lie about my financial status to keep Mara from getting what she needs. 

I am secure in my home and work life. I maintain the same phone number and my location is always going to be available to you. Please do not worry about any foul intent.

If you have any other fears or concerns please voice them. Do not hide from me, do not decide that I am plotting and do not plot against me. I would always rather not be your enemy.

Take time with this. Close the gap that has come between us. Work through the troubles that have come to pass. I mean you no harm. If you cannot see that, I cannot convince you alone, you must be willing to understand and see it to be true.

Your house is very nice, your boyfriend is very sweet and polite, Mara has her own room and tons of toys there. I hope you can find some way for her to make friends in that neighborhood. She needs more friends her age!

She is so polite and most times she knows what she needs and tells me when she needs it. You two are doing a great job in my opinion. Thank you for getting to where you are. I hope it works out there. If I can ever help my home is available to you and Mara. I doubt it will come to that. You handle shit very well.

Be well and don't be a fucking stranger man

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


My truck was a total mess. With winter hours and job rates setting in there are 3 major things I need to start doing:

1. File for unemployment
2. Keep the shop clean
3. Seek Cash employment opportunities

This means cleaning out the gutters at my parents, grilling everyone for anything I can do to help out and get paid, luckily there is a vast system in place.

The hardest is unemployment. I just have trouble with the questions... Luckliy I have a friend on unemployment that can help me out with it.

The rest of my life is pretty fantastic.

I finally made public my union with this woman. She really had altered everything for me. Mainly I never blog anymore. I seldom do so many things that would take my time up because now she takes up that time. After this Spring she should arrive and my hobbies will be more interactive. This is a small project for her. Adobe Photoshop tutorials shall maybe ensue as future projects that I am learning on here but IDK hard to get motivated.

I am fighting a horribly long winded cold virus at this time and it makes me rage. Videogames also make me rage. I play so many different champions on League of Legends and it just is not that much fun

I could be anythinging else and be more productive. Not all that important but it would be nice to generate some more income.

Saving has started. I wonder what the difference is between Key and Sterling savings. Chase and American Express, Wells fargo and GE Visa Mastercard all these money lending corporations and there is no clear leader. All have different pros and cons but what are they? is there a comprehensive guide out there somewhere?

Saturday, September 24, 2011

waste of time to send this

whats fun is knowin you were on fb but didn't reply. I guess I understand as little about you as you do about me. Did it feel good to throw those words at me? Your anger gives me some sadness, anxiety, but I feel no guilt. I have been active and respectfully communicating with Vanessa over these six years. We kept from knowing eachother directly because we were dating our best friends which is no longer the case. You and Vanessa were not a couple, she did not cheat on you. SHE EVEN SAID SHE WAS COMING TO WASHINGTON and you didn't know she was coming to see me? I can believe we couldn't tell you after your reaction, The idea was to tell you slowly, we had spoken miles online, but once we spent time together in person, which we had never done ever before once, we knew that there was something tangible there. Your feelings? You are WITH RICHIE, you have someone, I didn't, and now I do and it is life changing! Your best friends [boy its a shame you don't see this] are so alike that they fell in love. I don't threaten Richie any longer as a desperate ex boyfriend, Vanessa isn't with a Debbie Downer. LIFE IS GOOD. We are happy and able and thankful. All my greatest joys have come from knowing you. AGAIN Anytime you want to be a part of our lives its cool. Doesn't change anything, we had a rushed 2 week period of time where a lot of bad things happen and when Vanessa needed your support breakin up with Bran you were SO BUSY thinking of your feelings that you dropped HER. YOU dropped YOUR best friend because of things a NOT best friend TOLD YOU. I hear you haven't even tried to talk it out with her.

Fucking be a man, face her and talk to her. She regrets the rush of our relationship, thus having to hide it but I can certainly take the blame for that. She was in pain and I knew I could help. The more we spoke the more I felt like I could lift her up.  It's not really about me, its about Vanessa. She's impulsive sometimes. She makes mistakes. She is encourage able but she means well. Did what had to be done at the time there was no other choice.

She really loves me, says I am nothing like she pictured and I agree. My image of her was a little different. I am still not sure how PAST NOT TELLING YOU this will have any negative effect upon your life Jade.

Only positive points.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

i remember too much

I have these things in my brain so deeply engrained and I might be able to kill them but never will, I will never need to they are safe there I know it is true and I do not believe anything can rip out what I have here in front of me. Drives me close but not quite to tears and I am so deeply shamed by these deep dark feelings that I still hold, can forever hold in this long worn wrinkle within my brain. The truth is there and I see it and tread over old words and old thinking knowing full well that it is a lie, that only the truth is the repetitive motions that lead to nothingness that have led you to silence and me to sadness at the fact that maybe it is all too real for you.

I know I am a fireball and I see the sickness in you, the cold dead places where everything has fallen away that you had given over to me to keep warm. These things can grow again but you have saved them for me, they will never again be for me but I see that they still have my same name written on them each very clearly.

You cannot let go, how can you let go? But you should let go because I am never ever coming back for you again. No matter what words I say they are lies. No matter what phantom gestures and pantomime gifts I may send they are just words. You deserve more potent experience, you need to feed off of some heavy passion and intensity within your grasp, which I can never be, I never will.

You cut me, you let me die in front of you, behind you as I held you. You held your words, your explanations, your logic back from me and left yourself out in the cold for whatever foolish reason.

Too late, I hate hate hate to say too late but it was the moment that letter was sent, you died, I gave everything you had in me, everything cold and dying to another woman.

She did not use it well, not as well as you did when you had your hands upon me, when I was all in front of you. But she was better to me when I was away, she was fierce and protective, open and honest and even now I love her and do not regret taking those things from you, I have taken them from others now too, tho only two. So now a fourth comes. Of all these things I have had.

This is the one and she outshines you. She has all the time in the world to walk into traps and snares you have laid in my unconscious but when she falls I will pick her up and heal her. I will cut away the pain you laid in wait and I will show her my loyalty for you is now hers for all time

Fuck you

You get words. Be thankful I have even those for you.

If you had tried to connect, if you had a bit of fight in you to help mend what you crushed in that girl years ago, there would be some chance, some hope at friendship but I know now by my emotional chaos, by this deep feeling of betrayal still fresh after so many years that it is all you can ever be to me at the core of you and I. You are my deepest betrayer. The largest most beautiful lie.

The deepest cut, the largest hook I ever discarded
And I will be better for it
Better without you
With her.

The rollercoaster of love.

It can be brutal. Might be better if we bred for genetic superiority and left love at the door, but that could never be. Love is about getting along, something two people seldom can do for any long period of time any more. I wish I could look around and see thousands of people happily married but it just isn't true. Of course I pass them in their homes every day on my way to work, but I do not know them, I don't have that affirmation of reality that there is a way. Somewhere along the way that great wisdom that allows a 50 year marriage to exist was lost. It is possible, does it really have that much to do with others? Or does it have more to do with myself, with yourself, with self work and the ability to accept and tolerate and grow with another? To not settle for less than you deserve, to not fall into this thing called love at every chance, but only slow and sure, with due care and caution, fully aware of the rewards and consequences before you..

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Lost Toby..

I suppose it could never be long enough. Can't be happy for us if you aren't her friend, and if the enemy of my friend is my enemy..
I understand the underlying social stigma, I get the broken taboo. I simply disagree at this point
I get the knife and cut out the things that take from me, even less, take themselves away from me, for knowing this giver.

It's not a perfect world. Not my perfect world. That is where Jade and you both can be pleased that even if relationships between us 4 did not succeed, hope can arise.
Maybe too many bad feelings. Burn burned bridges for you and her. Maybe for both Jade and I.

"Get rid of Lord John and there will be consequences...."

Anyhow, we are lost, you and I. We were lost long ago when Matt came to me and said you were out. It crushed me, I couldn't bring myself to defend you, I was falling apart
grasping, lightly clutching at a very small and weak space and there was your presence but no financial ability to be had.

I couldn't push you away myself, what is that? Makes me sick. A sickness in me that clings to sickness in you.
I don't know you as well as I would like, never did, always had a pretty clear picture. Made it strong and sharp, reactive and potent.

How you see yourself, the world, all this.. I dunno man.
Is this really a bad thing for me?
Aren't you only losing a viable source of support love and entertainment?

Maybe for you it is worth it to cut me out.

Friday, September 2, 2011


This is my art, this is my deepest passion, and you are the muse and focus
of that passion

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

most wonderfully irritating man I have ever met

you make me feel small. I like that =) Very rare talent. You seem
terse and wise. I hope you feel this way interacting with me. People
[jerks] treating you immature, like a child when you are in my eyes a
woman grown and sometimes quite brilliant.

I don't however, feel you are doing so well. Doing well retains and
multiplies those little pieces of money. Empowered and mobile you are
solid and standing strong even when alone. Holding a job, maintaining
health and good running vehicle, you do as you please.

That in my mind is you doing well.
Hate seeing you in chains myself. 'Grounded' so to speak.

Back to being irritated with me =) hope not. Just giving you my perspective.
Whatever you are doing, I assume you are doing it wrong

On the other hand. It is not easy to acquire a job and so many things
are out there to drag away your dollars.
Maybe you hear this song and dance from someone else
Reminders to you with your reply shouting "i know this already"

Maybe not.

I'll try again sometime to see you. Rare that I make it so far north.
I feel lost up there, but I know time and exploration will yield many
places of interest.
Problem is people, I don't make new friends, thus the emptiness of
being surrounded by individuals swallows the experience, without
someone to share it with I suppose the value for me is greatly
diminished. I'll have to work on that, do you have any ideas?

Beautiful good luck to you this week. Your voice, even tense as it was
and hurried was music to my ears.



So many things unsaid!

First is easy: Get over yourself and your little world of venom and disconnected failures. I DID EVERYTHING I POSSIBLY COULD and it was never enough and I never felt like it was worth it, always took your failures as my own. Took your pain and awkward garbage and stored it up in my own mind creating a sweet little paranoia and neurosis. I would like to think so many things were impossible but one lie sprouted a thousand doubts. And you tell me NOW that things are supposed to be different? NOW you are cold you heartless disembodied bitch?

We are from different worlds. We always were but now I remove a true stone from your foundation. Something you did not believe [nor myself honestly] could be taken from you and I say now: THE BEST THINGS IN ME are gone from you and given to that stone. I shall take all my hope and cast it upon my own shoulders and carry it without fear that the next woman will drag it through the subjective shit.

Fuck it I have been over this, all I have is a cold sense of understanding, all I have is a deep seeded resentment for your lack of understanding. Nothing can break down what I have just created. It will stand forever and all tests to come.


I look back and I see you through a thick fog. My attention was so inward, so 'cool' so reactive and rebellion based. I was a demon and my smile was so sharp. You fell in the way they all do, talking of magic and the darkness. Speaking of powers beyond what we can see and know. Spoke of things I had read much of, spoke of things I wanted more of.

I took you and used you up, I found everything you could teach and dropped you the moment I found you lacking any more substance for me to consume and re express through my own hot bright stream of light.

What a rascal. I did not bruise you so badly that you wouldn't bow down to me, I could take my hand and softly lower you to the floor at my feet in a state of bliss and devotion. Ah the demon smiles to know my shadow hand reaches out into those hearts I so easily forgot and discarded, it laughs and remembers that after all bridges I can see are burned, there are many more waiting for my cry to emerge from the depths of my past.

Long have my arms become. My grip so strong even so long ago...


Oh dear, the feeling creeps up that I should make my way all the way there and take another taste to embolden your sense of self and lift you up. You were so much to me, through all the evil I felt, I can admit and accept it all as failure on your own part to properly deal with these situations.

This is also the reason I will not, I will never cross lines with you again. Yes you are craved yes you are beautiful and worth a moments pain that will certainly again pass but no I will not risk total failure, submission to a false statue too frozen to be broken free.

I have lost all faith in you, but in truth I will never express that notion to you.

Lie lie lie

I have become so capable of telling them what they need to hear, forming reality around them through my vision. It is not what I see but what they need to see to take the next step towards where they are going and who they are going to become, in whatever way I have become a seer, a shaman and a dealer of magical conjurations

They come with an unspoken price, lessons will be learned and everyone including myself gets what they deserve

Monday, August 15, 2011


Think of how our best friend built you up, think of how this was never supposed to occur, how I have been for all this time off limits.. Now maybe YOU have not had raving fantasy about the 3 of us but I have. It is impossible. The woman is full of issues, I had assumed you were just as mentally busted as she, I assumed many things to keep my mind clear of showing intent or desire past the point of shallow male i-want-to-fuck-everything-that-moves.

but then there were those moments when we spoke. You were given a vast and powerful concept in my mind. You were given the role of Magus, sexual temptress, master of the house from the first moment that I knew you.

Your boyfriend just made the shit worse, he explained some things that I could not wait to experience from our best friend... The moment I realized those secrets of the bed had no place in our best friend I was crushed. My focus of course shifted, and she has become highly talented tho, too impatient, too hard and rushed for my truest and most enjoyable form of sexual intimacy. A good experience takes more time than it should. foreplay is easy to start skipping after sex each and every day like a ritual. Once every week? Maybe best. I'd love to say it is enough, a body always comes to want more, gets tired of routine, gets tired of the same old conversations or actions.

But wait, how can that be true if we write so much? What drives this? There are dangers, but it really is all from false or grand expectations

So what do we expect? Lets be plain: I have been without a woman for too long. I don't believe in long term relationships anymore, but every time I get close to a woman there is that mad hope. It must be biological.

And honestly, I have really loved you for years now. Our 'relationship' has grown for a very long time in some ways, in enough ways to give you access to parts of me that are hidden to 90% of the world. I am a very hard individual to crack. I relentlessly attack but seldom give pause or try to be open or available.

Selfish and aggressive, I put up my largest wall with ignorance. I blindly seek what I want ignoring the wants of others. But I am paying close attention to you.

I want little bits given, but I want to give you what you have been missing. If by chance I fail to do so it will shock me, make me feel small, but I am always ready to feel the pain, to risk it for the elation of mastering a new body, a new channel through which I can worship the mother Earth and be humbled and thankful beneath her.

Take your time. I think I outlined my ability to be there, anytime if you just ask. I can come, give and then be gone or stay depending on where you meet me. I can find a place if you do not have a place, my financial situation will allow some very nice views if it please you.

I must tell you that beyond what I have heard, I was looking at you every moment that I could, I was fond of your style of dress, your sweet manner and your soft steps. The empathy you speak of was very plain and is a very passionate thing to touch. The most important thing is reverence and slow progression. I'll spend my first hour just touching you, haha in fact I hope it doesn't throw you off but the next time I see you, an embrace and a smell of you will be very desired. I base so much on the way a woman smells, not your perfume, but your sweat, ah but taste is important as well I suppose.

But style? look? nah. When you shiver at my touch, my whole skin will fill with goosebumps and my body will light on fire. The chakras will all fire and my crown will open. I feel very magical honoring the female body, it is the true purpose of our bodies, to make copies.

Take your time, but please know that I am deeply afraid of breaching this final wall. I ask for it, I beg and plead and pander. I say "is it time yet????" but oh my god is it scary. You aren't some random woman, you never have been anything less than the highest form of open love I have known in my life. When our clothes fall to the ground and my hands take that first step towards your belly I'll be giving you my heart and you will know the power a woman can have over me. I can be very dominant. I am at most times, but I will bend endlessly for a mate.

We should. I need the intensity, I need to see and remember what I am capable of, but please do not think that it will change things so much that you will need to run.

If you run it would be a typical experience for me and I will crave answers. I will ask in so many ways "who am i?" what is wrong with me"

LOL its great too, because if you think as I, you might say "its not you, you are beautiful, I love everything about you... I just can't be who you need me to be and you deserve so much more than this"

meh. I gotta go.

Thursday, August 11, 2011


that woman wasn't in my bed at first... she moved closer over a few moments. I'd say 2 minutes. It was what I wanted but I wouldn't say it. I wouldn't speak the words and relieve/elation washed over me as she slid under my blanket. Not really lust, I didn't try to push her head to my cock or anything. It was enough that I was that close.

The closer I get the more reverent and thankful I become. The more I cherish what is before me. The more I wonder how the fuck I am so close, staring into their eyes, holding them and being held. How incredibly sweet and unreal it is.

This Amelia [the lesbian] was a moment so unexpected. I went up there for my first real vacation. She let me sleep in bed with her, tho she said on the phone i would have to sleep with Mara on a couch lol. When I finally put my hands on her it was incredible. She's a very honest and pure person, she became very vounerable over the stay and I could tell she was falling in love. I know when I left and the fog cleared from her mind she felt she had given too much. That she was hell bent on shutting herself back up. I took so much of her moral code and bent it. I took her will and stepped right through it.

She lost control and I had her. I WAS NICE ABOUT IT and she still locked herself away, swears I wont have her naked again. Wasn't that good. She wont give head. She's 6 hours north and doesn't want to see me without my child with me on weekends. I was planning on taking her 3 weekends and going there 1 weekend each month

I have limitless endurance to fufill wishes and desires of those close to me, but she went out of her way to make this difficult so I figure I'll let it go.

But there was this moment when we were watching tv on the couch and I layed down and she came right over and laid in front of me and I held her, smelled her hair and nuzzled her.

Suddenly everything felt light, I was there in a total way. I told her so.. Something about how I didn't believe that it was all happening and I kissed her. She looked into my eyes and told me she was sure she could fall for me. In my mind she was already mine. She told me she wanted the baby to nap so we could get naked again. We put Mara down and I had her in the living room over the couch which was fantastic, because knowing she wanted it, and delivering as soon as possible in that rushed I-can't-fucking-wait-another-second sort of passion is by far the best.

But see that was a long time ago. Almost 3 months? maybe more like 5. I haven't touched an ass or kissed lips since and in some ways I regret it, but another part of me just can't break down and settle for less. That woman means something to me. She always has and always will even if when she visits again she doesn't put out.

It was also comical purchasing condoms. I never use them, or haven't I suppose I am grown up enough to do so now but it was laughable.

She's like 'years with women, didn't need them'

Maybe a little TMI... Just giving a picture of how epic it was. She also purchased 300 dollars worth of dinners and snacks for baby and I. I spent 600 dollars myself, so it was an expensive holiday, worth it. Hardly just now caught up on my bills from it.

Once away from me, she boxed up, said some mean things and we lost contact. The problem with nailing a friend then stopping is the talk stops. It kills everything. Going to the point of intimacy seems to at least in most cases cause this massive upheaval and sudden fast forward of events. TOO fast.

Now she is gone and all our dreams of meeting halfway and making love work have vanished. she will always love me sure, but with the intensity of her addiction withrawl fresh in mind, why would she let me get inside her again just to bleed fresh when I am no longer there? I hear tearing a scar hurts worse every time...

It's got me jaded. There must be a bit of pressure I don't comprehend. I am in it, makes it hard to understand how girls get away from me after I have them right in front of me, opiated to the gills on my attention.

I need to fix it. I need to get a grip on how to have a longer relationship. A long lasting healthy relationship and solve these unknowns.

The model doesn't count. That bitch is crazy. Amelia the lesbian is closer but still, Amy the ugly girl and Robyn the whore were temporary but Amy is the only one who never held any feelings for me. I've never had bad sex, but she was very cold about it. The rest after Jade all were enchanted by me for a week or more when I had them. The whore I had in many locations, introduced to my mother, let her play with my child. Same with the model, sadly Amelia has not met my mother. These are more like friends I got naked. I want to keep every woman but I am very upfront about how heavy I feel it is to be serious with me. All these women are more than 2 hours away. Can't seem to find them close, 'cept the ugly one, but she used me and got her Ex BF back, who will probably never heal things with me, I wouldn't...

Life is twisted. My desperation is gone and I talk with most of these women time to time. The whore is married now, totally unavailable, of course any male that interacts with any woman I have had doesn't like me, how could they? I interact at a level few people ever reach with anyone.

Intimidating I suppose.

So you are my inspector. You are my therapist and my advisor. You are here to give me a good look over and help me behave better and maybe hold on to a woman when I find one worth holding on to. None of these relationships have been much good for me, and I'm not desperate enough to go out and look for one till I find it.

Lazy I guess.

Wow I said alot. Promised myself I would tone it down and not chat with you so much. Too much to say and no one else I'd like to share with. Thanks for being here.. See usually this is when I post what I wrote here to my blog. I feel I have crossed a line..


It almost seems like I was doing this to spite her. I look back at my actions for excuses, for ways to cover myself if I become revealed. This has all of the gears in my head turning. I am finding appreciation and yes I am afraid.

This was unexpected, it started in such a sad desperate grasping sort of way for me and then I cut it and relaxed and felt better. You are still there and you didn't let go and I wonder so much about the future. There it is that blind hope [oh 300] maybe we can win...
I have grown up in some ways and I could not have done that without you. Now in this static state where you say nothing I start to look back and wonder what sort of pain or fear you may be experiencing. The vast chaos that must be your inner world.

I wonder if you are my tragic fixer upper case in the form of this woman... I don't want to believe that but everything points to it.

And I know if I let you go I can always come back. Somehow that is very comforting because you have been telling me for months and months to let you go to go away and I have been right here with you pushing me away like a lost puppy.

I mean look at me... I can't even tell you this for fear of your reaction. You don't even want to see it for fear of your reaction. I hope you get help

I can't say that I need help

Now I am lost in this different place. My mind meets another mind that doesn't feel so busted. Going slow is all I can comprehend, precarious is the path I walk, but the path is there.

I have all the time in the world. My therapist told me so =)

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

No really

it's only a matter of time. I can see what is coming, I'm no fool. The desire has caught on and like a wave it will grow. The care it takes in not rushing something and going past the point of truth to a dissolution of want and impossible growth is vital. I will not say that I love you and must have you, that if I am not with you I'll die and I can't make it. I wont pester and beg even if I want to, because I want to dammit.

My whole life is an empty bowl. I have made it so wide and drank up all that I had, discarding the poison. It's nice but I have never been much for being alone. Alone is not what this is. The void is filled with a few people, none of them potentials.

There will be an honest draw towards making solid ties, becoming more than we probably should be. It is natural and we can talk about it as it comes on, but all real choices between us should come slow. Say 'Lets think about this for awhile before we really agree upon anything k?' and everything will be alright.

Passion, Lust, Intensity.... There will be devine moments but life is not without balance. The longer I remain empty the more delicious the taste when I am being filled. So many songs come to mind!

I'm hesitant to take on the appearance of a stepping stone for you, there is that deep desire to do so, to try bending your perceptions to get what I want. Honesty is the crutch of a very alone and unhappy man, but honorable....


It is a growing secret. A hidden journey that I am trying to create for us, like a seeker of hidden knowledge we can delve into energy works and yoga practice between us forming a connection to the occult and sharing what we discover and learning about it together. Some things are so much easier if you just have another voice to agree with you and bounce your crazy ideas off of..


Saturday, August 6, 2011

I never imagined

I cannot quite know what you will see or find here. I have invited very few people to this blog that know me irl and I really feel a bit naked. I get support from 3 or so of my more talkative and witty bloggers but besides that I get a very warm pleased awareness that people enjoy what I say about these others in such a strong way. It is a crutch. Without it I tumble possible futures with these poor souls I don't have the refined patience to calmly set down and talk to about the way I feel.

This is therapy for me. But see I looked at you from the first moment as a beautiful creature. I saw a look in your eye that vanished quickly. I saw a side of you that went away once you saw deeper into my actions and took away your friend to a world where you could no longer touch her. I seized her and it must have looked very selfish and agressive. Brash and insensitive. I was caught up and I am ashamed of my action, though many things happened that I would not change I do count the end and my attachment as some very high levels of regret I cannot quite get over.

But you I could see held back a wall of grace and peace that somehow my brother wasn't quite getting to. I never felt like he had the right hold on you and I was sad that it was so easy for me to take her but that I could see from the start there was no way to get a grip on you. To really know that I had you.

That is intellect to me. That hesitation, the real knowledge of a strong hand that slips around the independant throat and brings it to its knees. Kindness and sweet words come pouring out and I wonder after a time if it is really me or if the monster within me intoxicates us both to sate itself...

Again more shame, but I am letting go of that, let that monster have his fun and fool me and the woman both. Let me ride the emotional mental rollercoaster of passion and betrayal. Let my life's imagination be consumed by my dreams and wants manifest before me in a great rapture

I balk at your cowardice. I know something is wrong and I remove it, I move forward. There is no fear when my insides are eating themselves over inactions I know I must take.

There is impatience in that. I would rather force an action that must be than wait for the right time. Imagine there is this long knife, longer than you can imagine and every moment you push it in an inch and twist. It heals as you go deeper but always hurts more. Every moment it gets worse and you somehow watch the knife go in, when at any time you have the power to remove the knife from his back and let him die in a more painless way. There will be blood and intensity for a moment, but that is far less cruel and a slow endless death being hung by a salted blade of unknown length for unknown days

All because you didn't have the heart to do what must be done.

Ah. The monster's words coming out of my mouth. My teeth grow longer, get sharper as I get more impatient. So expectant... But what else would I do? set and say nothing? I say these things here and you have the pleasure to see it but never before have I been thinking 'she will see this soon and what will she say?'

Well I can't say that it matters. It is here to help me relax and get it off my mind. There is nowhere else for me to put this. It has been beautiful with my girl these past hours and I think I spent too much of it thinking of you, mentioning you in little ways to myself... Seeing your face and speaking your words

It will only get better, and only get worse. I can ruin it forever or I can keep my hands under my rump and hope in time, it will be the right time.

If you put it in your mouth, all my tension melts away. I can't explain why this is true and I hate it. I hate that such an act shared between myself and another can be so powerful and life changing. That without that one thing I would be and believe so much less than I am in action and perception. It should not be so. To abstain and be pure should be more powerful. But maybe I have gone too far, spent too much time with my brain wired to the action itself, without the action those parts, those pathways in my brain lay dormant or half alive. Maybe deteriorating waiting to be remade?

Whatever it is it is biological conditioning and totally natural. There is no fighting it no matter how much I stomp my feet and scream that I am an angel doing gods work and I don't need that devil's play, that I don't need that carnal primal passion in my life consistant and impossibly beautiful.

I don't need it, it isn't everything
But without it I feel weak and small... Fuck

Thursday, August 4, 2011

No drama day

all is quiet. I'll finish Dance with Dragons today. almost 1000 pages in this one. Been incredible

Friday, July 29, 2011


I don't know what you expected to happen. Honestly I have spent less time on you in the last week than I have since we met, then you come to me beating down my phone with all this nonsense about being a stalker and how I bring you to such epic ups and downs or whatever. You tell me your greatest secrets [i assume] then beg for me to leave you alone. This is the second time you have run me over with words swearing that I am doing some horrible thing to your psyche. I just can't believe it. You talk of a possible future and fate and how you want it but you hope it doesn't happen because when you see me your world does something that you don't like or that you are uncomfortable with or that doesn't happen any other time in your life. I was finished with you Stephanie, why did you have to do this to me? I was talking to your girlfriend and said nothing of you to her at any time. Of course the moment you told me to stop talking to them I started to say it to her then I caught myself and knew that you wouldn't like it. You run me pretty hard in my opinion. I blocked your wall along with 90% of the walls on facebook. That shit gets so old I don't use it that way. It is a place I can correspond not a place I can catch up on gossip. I haven't written things to you or talked about you with anyone for quite awhile, not since I mentioned your statement about family and true friends. That shit hurt me deeper than I would like.

You affect me. That fact is undeniable but this tearing back and forth you seem to experience I cannot account for properly on my side of the chit chat we have had. You were getting fussy about many things and so I backed way off. I got off Life Synth and went onto finding other ways to interact with people. Kels and I have said very little to each other. She is stand offish which I understand, but she enjoys my attention and I give it to her in small doses. I don't want to be with her, or you or any woman. I am fine and I don't go out of my way to look, hardly even think about all the different women in my life that I could possibly be with at any time. Till now.

I can't get you off my mind. I hope this helps because it makes me mad. Not that it will last and I cannot forgive you. I just suddenly have so many statements and retorts to throw at you. I have never in my life met a person that creates so much expression in me and I can't help but let it out. Apparently in this love hate relationship you don't want anymore attention from me. Impossible to do when you send me 45 texts.

There is no perfect time that is coming. This is some kind of version of 'What dreams may come.' You are insane and I am a sweet guy who will do anything for you, I am over the stars in love with you and I want to support you and help you see that you are valid even with your faults. I see you date these fucking monsters in your past, these foolish men with all these evil or destructive habits and I see you trying to compensate for the evil within you. We all have a beast inside and to imagine that I am some sort of pure sweetling would be a waste of your imagination. I have my own monsters yet they do not get any release upon you. I know many tricks, manipulative underhanded shit that I could pull. I see the opportunities but fail to act.

AGAIN I tell you that your fucking flaws and wild nature to which you claim is terrible does not scare me, does not make me think you are insane or sick in the head or fucked up. You are a woman born into the city and growing through some of the most incredibly extreme experiences I have heard tell of. You broke me in the week you were here. You grabbed the moment as I have so many times before and you danced with me to the point of no return. I cut you deep revealing your action to your sister. That was instinctual. I would not fail to affirm that I was pleased with you and my instant desire to keep you. You said the words, you walked a fine line and told me the bad things you do and the good. You give me some speech about how I seem to ignore the bad and just focus on the good. That I was making you out to be some rare flawless gem. We both know that not to be the case. You have issues, baggage of a nature that is very perilous. It takes an incredible amount of swift thinking to stay on top of you and keep you from going ten directions.

Now you are claiming multipersonalities? I tell you that everyone is different with everyone else. If you stay for long periods alone with one person they will see what they want to see in you and you will oblige, doing the same to them. Everyone has multiple sides. To say it is a problem is saying to me that you cannot control which of these faces shall emerge at any time. I know the cold distant go away you very well now that I am away and pecking at you. I know you're irritation. I can see your pissy face and it is of course as adorable as all the others. I try my best to respect it and not peck but you are so passive and seem to in no way try at all to give me time with you in person. SURE you called, which of course after long days with cold heartless Stephanie, I am shocked and confused. FEARFUL even that what you have to say is some mad rage reaction to something I had said online.

It is funny that you got off facebook because you have practically chased me off of it. Now I put a positive light on every single fucking bit of your dismissals and demands. I can accomplish them all and be proud that you wont say 'how many times do i have to tell you'
Well fuck man, you are a complex woman, crazy and at moments very victimized. I tried for a week to get you into the hospital when you were sick and you refused to go. That is laughable what the fuck was I thinking? If you don't wanna go don't go. I could force you. I could learn to force you to do a great many things if that is what it takes but I am not so fast to assume control over you in any way without good firm reinforcement.

This is incredible. Not even the tip of the iceberg, and I was so done writing to you lol.

You need to try and start a company. You need to be the boss and you need to run the shit because of the chaotic way that your mind and body work. It would be easy for you to do because most of it does not involve you being consistent in many ways. FOUR HOUR WORK WEEK its by this guy named tim ferriss. I swear to fucking god it will help you get strait. You are very unique and the pressure on you seems to go extreme sometimes.

Fuck I can't even send this today. I wont send it for weeks if I can stave off my fucking impatience. I suddenly have that shit all rush back to me and I am so mad when you say you love me and all this fate shit. Yah I'm coming for you when I get my shit strait. Not waiting I'll find you and take you as best I can to love protect and support in whatever way I can. You seem so worried about this private life you want to leave, how you don't want to be seen as a fake or a liar or a criminal. You don't want to lose trust with those around you and I fucking swear to god you are insinuating that in some way I would compromise your relationships with these two that hardly know me that I would never speak to about you for any reason because it is a fucking sin against you told to me at least 20 times. I don't call you in the mornings because you are always fucking sleeping and I hardly have the desire to talk at night because I work all day. I don't email you EVER and I try to only reply to you on facebook [ah, there's something I wont worry about] Same with phone texts I do my best to just not be worried about when the fuck I talk to you because if I do I want to talk to you every fucking day. I want to see you and constantly think about seeing you and how I should save and go do it, get up there and spend the day with you. Then I bring it up and you are like 'i dunno maybe, ill find time for you' and I'm thinking FUCK its not time and I should just let her be. Her life has been a fucked up mess for so long I think I should let her have some peace

Then there is the other side of me that says 'nononononono' you are the fucking cure to all my needs and desire. I need so very little attention and words and you have already said so many of them I only need affirmation every once in awhile. I cure you. As far as I am concerned when I am with you, you are more healthy and radiant than you are when you are around anyone else. You hide your problems and put on a good show, that is what I must assume. And that is fine but you would be mistaken to assume at this stage that who you really are, past the person you have shown me is invalid or impure in my eyes. You are human and you are not perfect. You are beautiful but capable of ugly actions and makin ugly faces if you are urged to do so. You are very smart but at the same time may be addicted to foolish behavior.

When you say you have to let me go I imagine this is your own bullshit in your own head. You let me go when you left Lewis County. You let me go when we sat in my car at your parents door and you refused that I spend my money to have you in a hotel near the top floor with access to a pool jacuzzi room service, plus me myself and I fully at your service for a full body rub, tons of pussy eating no matter the condition of your pussy and a ripe long hard fucking of your life from a grateful and beautiful mate. You skipped that fucking photoshoot, which means you either blatantly lied to me or really were sure you would have gone. I tend to think you lied, made excuses to get away from that moment when I would have you all to myself away from anyone else and drive you to a point past insanity where you felt clarity and once again believed that you and I should be together. When you would look into my eyes and say things that you would later regret because when I am gone you are no longer the same sweet loving female eternally commited to me in every way.

I don't give a flying fuck what you do while I am not around. I am trying to make that plain as fucking day I don't care I don't think about it I don't worry about it. I have gone out of my way to block it on facebook. I don't see what you write other people on thier walls I don't see your posts I don't see when you put up a new picture. Fucking nothing. I do my best to keep my distance from you in every way possible and then BAM you rage at me for stalking you.

I don't care if you lie or manipulate me, I have no fear of you compermising me for your own selfish wants or needs. You could be so much worse. You could lead me up there for outings and smile in my face, maybe touching me a little like you did when I was there, then giving me a denial every evening. You must know that I would come if you requested it. I would say I was sick with the flu and leave to see you right fucking now if you asked. I want nothing more. But if you are going to be stand offish and not try to lure me to you then fuck it I wont come. I'll stay here, entertain myself in other ways. I don't get bored waiting for you, I simply do something else. I can't count on you to plan anything to do with me. You say I am one of your elite 3 but THINK ABOUT THE SUBJECT MATTER BETWEEN US, it is shit. We don't talk about physics, mystical occurrences, synchronicity in our daily life, the irony that comes into play that makes us laugh. We don't talk about much at all except you're work is not what you expected and being difficult to manage, that you volunteer at some bitchin medical weed establishment, you has suspended license and live at home. Shit is boring. I want to know about new music you have run into. I have found some really chill ass dubstep called blackmill i think [looks...]. Hmm yah blackmill. Just got bassnectar's new album but haven't gotten around to it. I got hail the villain, hollywood undeads new album is super corney, I love the music but the rap is SO BAD that me and my friends were laughin at it. This fenech soler... don't think i like it. Ronald Jenkees is very cool but gets redundant. I really appreciate his work. Sixx AM's new album is incomplete. Not too impressed. Enter Shikari... Can't get that shit downloaded anywhere. The Glitch Mob is also very bomb ass dubstep... Hmmm what else here... All skrillex's work, his ST stuff new and old... LOL and I love selena Gomez - Who says, gotta be cause I have a daughter. I sing it so loud!

Many spiritual people are flowing into my present life that I have met from my past and I am very excited to remember who they were to me, and what we were together it is very inspiring, makes me feel so much lighter!! I don't know what to fucking do about you. I always want you, I always will but I will not fucking bother you with this shit relentlessly. I'll do my best to fucking ignore you exist for awhile and MAYBE you will bother me when you are readdy but im not gonna hold my fucking breath. You are too prudent, you know I bring on extreme changes to you and your life and that no matter what happens its gonna hurt, pain or pleasure I am gonna push it past where you want it or expect it to be. Then I'm gonna say sorry and that I did it out of love and you are gonna reel and be like FFS pat you ruined days of my life with these aftershocks... And I'll feel a bit bad but excited that I have such a heavy effect upon you. You also cause me to feel and express more intensely than any individual in my life.

I WANT to be that person who knows you totally. You rage against it, you resist it and I am pleased to back away but I don't fucking want to. I mean you no harm and I am here to help you, I want to heal you and make you whole. I want to show you whatever the fuck you are hiding you don't have to hide from me because there is no fucking thing that you could do that I could write you off for if it doesn't make me hurt. If it doesn't ruin my life by knowing then...... Well it could. You could be poisoning yourself. You could be masochistic. You could need me to be nasty to you. Rude and repremanding, You could need me to be a dick to you.

See this is my own drama and baggage now. I haven't found a place I can call home with a woman because of honesty. I am constantly trying to give away my true self in full to people as fast as I can. This process was always meant to be slow. Information overload never ends well. Everything rushed is rushed to its end and that in itself helps me hesitate not only to send this letter but not to rush anything that might possibly help me get to you. Life is long and my only fears are that you will addict yourself to something that destroys your beauty. I assume but cannot promise in this current understanding and acceptance of our relationship that you could not destroy it by destroying yourself. That could make you hard to love but I wouldn't really worry about it till it came to that. You will see it in my eyes.....

FATE. Fate is me letting you go for a week and saying things to others in my intimate way that I do and you somehow seeing them [stalker lol] and reading into them as if they had anything to do with you. Kels may do this to, I have yet to write more than a few sentances about her and I don't even think they made it to a permanent location. Sure I have a vivid fantasy that can contain her, she is very attractive, but I don't really care yet. She has yielded practically nothing at my requests and now she is silent I assume thanks to you, fuck you very much that was pretty fucking lame for me. I wish I had never friended her. She is beautiful and from your area, from Seattle. A place I know many people, but not many beautiful females. I am on the other hand very happy to know now that she is your friend so I don't get occupied with her and try to see her in person. I wouldn't step on your toes like that, first think I think when you say you are lez for her tho is 3some. Immediate visual awesomeness for a sec then gone.

I'm almost done. I have been warned to avoid you and this thing called BPD. He's a good friend who keeps his mouth shut about my life and his own life. I try to pry and he's like a fucking social vice. Hate that shit. Anyhow he warns you are a ruin, honestly just makes me more stubborn to prove that you are a worthy woman. If you have dysfunctional relationships, or boring medicated relationships that drive you silently mad, I will always assume your place is with me. It's gonna be hard for you to convince me that your life is better without me because in every physical interaction I have seen the light of your eyes, tho last time you were gunshy it was understandable. You seem at this time highly intimidated with the prospects of getting deep with me in any way.

Fuck it man. I got your back and you can be pissed about it all you want. DONT YOU DARE forget me. Ignore me all you want, hide from me, dodge me, throw things at me, shout obscenities, but know that you in rare moments have said foolishly binding things to me, and that is what I live for. If all this pain and confusion yields that every once in awhile, I would take that over all the lazy boring women with half brains full of sod that would lick my boots and keep a clean house for me.

You can be such a jerk sometimes. I don't know why I put up with your online bullshit. You are so sweet on the phone. In person I could not deny you. Any request you would make of me I doubt I could deny. I do my best.

Anyhow, better irritatING than irritated. You have angered me this time for sure. It was quite awhile coming and I am mostly just fuming because FOR REAL I was done worrying about you, you were in the clear for years I assume LOL and now that is probably totally possible as long as you don't ruin it by giving me some long rude ass reply or something sweet or anything.

A few things that we have in common are very funny in a wide sense... We never fail to reply to eachother. I can't forget you bein like 'dont talk to me' and me being like 'ok ill leave you alone' and you bein like 'well its cause blahblahblah' or 'don't be so pissy' or don't be a party pooper. It is very cute and an admirable trait in my eyes. relentlessly encourage able to a fault.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

nah its all good. HOLY FUCK I just got called a stalker. then I look at my life, and all the people I know and the way that I talk to them and its probably true. I think I tend to be overly attentive and agressive about communication. I suppose each person draws this line in a different way... but really the bitch is sure i am obsessed with her an im like 'no really i am this curious about everyone and i interact with you less than anyone else I know, so basically i am more of a stalker to everyone else in my life...' but she's got BorderlinePersonalityDisorder and my buddy Toby was telling me to keep the fuck away from her because she would fuck up my world. I am starting to believe he is right.. The bitch is chaotic. She's like HEY DELETE MY FRIENDS FROM YOUR FACEBOOK and im like uh... we don't even talk about you i didn't even know they were your friends... LOL shit is wack... sorry for dumping this on you

Lol ok wait, now I guess there is a good example of that here on blogger. Zomb you reply to many of my posts so I check your page every time that you send me a reply. Since I never post any music to my main blog I get few replies if ever. The only blogs I really care about are the trance ones, I can't stand falling and electric addict and that other guy I can't recall. I'm sure if he reads this he will roll his eyes. I was watching one other guy, the LoL guy pretty intently then I stopped playing LoL.

I love electro and I love that you read my shit Zomb, I haven't found much on electric addict but i did look. I used all the internet powers and found he has some other pages but its all free info and he did put it all up there and I haven't really used it at all I don't think. Might have tried to email him once. Lowest end of stalker spectrum. That doesn't say anything about the multitude of people that I have known and the amount of time I happen to spend just staring at this screen roaming and running into memories of past relationships and then getting into whatever internet zone they are a part of and picking it apart.

I'm not sure when it becomes creepy. I think most the people I know really like it. I am afteral not a rapist or serial killer. I don't sing horrible or try to drag these people out to anything they don't want to do or anything at all. I am a pretty self defined hermit.

Makes me mad tho. That woman drives me crazy and inspires me to write and not just about love but pain hate relaxation tension nature music etc... Goes on and on like a rollercoaster. I got a one track mind and that track is vast and fast.. Very little else in my life is vast or fast cept my mind lol.. once you get a snowball rolling it gets unstoppable. I mean yah i could shut the fuck up but WHY... so silly.. Anyhow off to read Dance with Dragons because its 1000 pages long and I'm close to 400.. 100 pages a day :)

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

ever since you first mentioned it wouldn't work and went back to Ron. In case you forgot, muse, you are my second love. I'll never take another heart. I'll never lie through my teeth to get laid with something less than a hunger and passion as I found when I first saw your reaction to me, when I first smelled you and saw your eyes and the way your movements changed when I was present. It is enough and it is ended. What common ground can we share in this way? None.


so tell me friend of my friend, where do you dream to be in 5 years. If you have no answer I challenge you to not put this question down. I plead with you even, please do yourself and myself this one favor and really dig deep. If you could do anything, if you had 10,000,000 dollars and 10 years to live, what would you do? Five things. Better yet make those five things a progression. From your small and mundane dreams to the very tip of what you believe and hope is possible under the right circumstances..

Thank you for reading. Thank you for your attention. Thank you for your reply. It means more to me than I can write and send. I would speak the words but still, even in person I could fall short. My poetry of unspoken thought may at some point become known to you. It is my hope to join with you in a more spiritual way, the etheric connection I have with Jade is deep and demanding. It has laws and I do abide them, as I set them myself to protect us both from folley. I am no magician no trixter. I follow no creed nor have a master. I would claim names but not here and not now, not till after I know your heart.

your body, your companionship day in day out, your money your things, your eyes upon mine, your lips and mine, our bodies together? I need none of these things to transmit true knowing and love between us.

I need none of these things and crave them not. I was mistaken before when I saw you before you left for Vegas it struck me. I desire to be one with your soul. I desire to see through your eyes, and for you to also share my vision. It will not alter us both in any radical way, more perception only makes our own vision stronger, brings our own dreams closer to bear.

My heart will know your heart and we will be one, we will be equal and we will be brother and sister here in the garden. It may come in a day or a week or over the months slow but I will do all that I can with every chance I have to make this possible. Please do not fear that I have any ill intent, my dear friend Jade can tell you that I mean you no harm, as I meant her no harm. I bound myself to her, physically, mentally, spiritually, economically... So deep was her dream that I fell in love with it, not with her. So long as I played that game, she did not dream, she lay awake in a world far away from that dream and I never came out of my own slumber to drag her back down. She is awake to this world, dreamless, listless and the pain of that waking tears at her hope, makes her fight to feel again. My shame and regret have never carried such a pungent odor.

I'm reading that new Dance of Dragons. Taste my reading mind, delicious no?

Monday, July 25, 2011

more to the angel/model/whatever

haha I feel a bit bad about posting to life synth more than I post to you. I can't get to you! I live 3 hours from you and work more than any man should, when I don't work I have my child and 3 hours in a car is a long ways. Just like you this time in my life is really all about where I am right now. God knows our interaction in person is fantastic and the more of it we get through life the better off we both will be. The more time we interact here online the more odd and awkward everything becomes so I have kind of let it die down. What is there to say? I have some great new music I have been listening to I could share with you, but it is mostly rock I don't think you would like. I could be wrong. I am finally clear of the biggest social rut I have ever experienced. I am not desperate for sex or a woman anymore as I have been since I was with Jade. It's nice. Work emotionally hurts me, financially it is fantastic. No one has heart for my family corp like I have at this time, they are brutally withholding raises bonuses and paid vacations. they have been for far too long. I got that new Game of Thrones book and I am devouring that. My social life is OK and totally platonic, my addictions all medium and not overwhelming.. My family loves to see me and I love to see them. My tickets are soon to be gone, all 3 of my cars are insured and legal, new car doesn't get the gas miles the salesman reported but amazingly matches the internet stats almost exactly IMAGINE THAT. Makes me mad, think he made like 2 grand or more off a single check my grandmother gave him. Baller of her to just be like, "get that one, I'll pay right now." Living examples of how I want to be at that age. I got to eliminate my tum and grow some pecks, for myself.. Kills me to think I want a bigger chest =) My cat suffers. I just don't give him enough attention, the dogs here fuck his whole macho cat thing up. It is gonna drive me out of this place and probably right into downtown Chehalis. Anything to further eliminate my bills and expenses. In a year or less Olympia and electronic music festivals of all kinds if I have the money! College students should be vibrant and invigorating, then the jolt into Bremerton will tear some tears out of my poor overstimulated eyes and I will fall into feeling as much compassion as I can for those poor ol folks with holes in the topmost portion of their long term investments. Hopefully I do well and have the power to travel. At that point the sky is the limit. Chile, Australia, New Zeland, Alaska, Russia, Europe.. Hopefully a new location each year if I can manage it. Try to get out and expand my wisdom experience and culture so I feel a bit closer to the planet. Putting it all in perspective, having clear goals that I believe will be a wholesome educational and thrilling adventure for my daughter should help me be more driven. Without her I might still be hopelessly lost and starving for romance, yet I am sure a woman will show up now that I 'don't need one' and set me into some sort of downward spiral, diving kamakazi into her reality, scaring her away and being pissed again. LET US HOPE NOT. TMI. I'm sure it is and if you didn't enjoy this sorry. I am a longtyping fuck

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Oh me

My phone sucks and it is kind of late for me to talk to anyone verbally. I was thinking of moving into town, I work at Chehalis Sheet Metal and currently reside with a good friend I went to highschool with out in Adna. Anyhow I have a cat and he's got a girlfriend now and they purchased DOGS, and she has 2 kids and really they are wild boys. I have a little girl who was using the extra room, which now has bunks for the boys. They aren't here all the time and if I am patient I probably get the house she purchased to rent but its over 700 dollars and I don't really enjoy the idea of paying more than I already am.

My baby girl is super well behaved. She stays with her mother during the week and I go down to Oregon and get her every weekend that I possibly can. I am chained to my job and some substantial bills from my relationship with the baby's mother. We get along fantastic, the state has no paperwork between us and the future looks similarly peaceful. I want to move into town to cut down on my daily driving. You like to cook? I like to eat read watch movies, work out [I walk in the mornings as I wake and would like to get back into yoga... but I do roof full time] play cards and listen to music very loudly, I have headphones which I use to keep my loudness inside my head <3 Sadly I have no interest in crochet.

If we share pantry items I am a man who ignores what he eats and buys, reminding me works fantastic! I love to repay and I enjoy criticism. Scary I know, I aim to please myself, I aim to please others if they let me know :)

I do not party. I do not have guests over often if ever. I am not in an active dating mode, I am a picky man who keeps to himself, polite and civil to talk with when approached. I tend to hide in my room. I have been leaving on the weekends, my poor cat must hate it here, I am never attentive to him with all the chaos entering my home.

August is a bit early for me to be moving. I am not on a lease and I am starting to look for a place to go. Tell me about parking and fridge space. I live off of frozen fruit smoothies, cheese on tortillas and oatmeal.
Also highly prone to taking oatmeal bowls and utensils to work in the morning. You may have to question me about the lack of spoons in your kitchen. Sometimes I make eggs and leave the pan, after all, I am just going to return and make more eggs....

Boy am I rambling. I wake up at about 4am and walk. Then I usually work all day, unless it is pouring when I wake up, then I have the day off and I tend to clean myself and my space, then waste as much time as I can staring at this computer screen without eating or moving. The job is hard. It is great to do nothing. I could be social. I could help entertain/educate/explore life with you and your kid. I have a nice car and am always looking for new ways to be a good father to my own child. I have been overly self centered in the past, when I was around siblings or other children. Now that I have my own I do my best to maintain her but of course feel I fall short, I want to be better for her future =)

I'm gonna shut up now

Friday, July 22, 2011

Stalker Phase..

I think I am almost done being a stalker towards every prospective woman I meet. 3 cheers for me

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

my high horse

I gave a shit big time for you. I don't know why. You have blundered like this more than enough times to fill all the toilets in my county with bullshit.

Lets take a moment to explain first to my beloved readers HI fucking drama with baby mamma. IMAGINE THAT. So this guy who was with her before I was starts sleeping with her at parties I'm not into while she is still in my house but we are very certainly broken up. I still get mine, but when I realize what is happening I flip out more in my head than anything and force her out of my house by the end of the week

So she's going to vegas for her birthday. Cool. I'll take the child, I'll take her and her ugly friends to the airport, I'm already there, its on the way back to my house. np.. Also, I am not hateful, one is attractive, but the other 2? bleh. WHAT A SHAME Anyhow I get there an hour early, specifically I avoid said exboyfriend of hers like the plague, we BOTH FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE around eachother tho we are polite. So he comes in before she gets there, says hi, nice hair. I'm like othx bro bro how you. he's like fine, gonna shower. I DO double take thinking about it, but say. Sure go for it. Not my house fuck if I care. So I go out and start to rummage in my car and doodle. Odd to be alone in the house with this guy nude even if he is upstairs in the shower. She comes and rushes past me... which was easy since I was still doodling. Friend says "Don't be mad she needs to shower before we go" NICE. Get into the shower with that ex while I'm here taking you out of town soon? Cool, didn't even know he'd be here or I wouldn't be. I say nothing to anyone. I clean out the Jeep I share payments on with her, yet never drive since I live 90 miles north. It's filthy and keeps me out of the awkward house situation. My daughter is now present YAY I distract myself with baby. Shower ends but the pair stay upstairs. The other two 'ladies' depart for some 'quick' chore. I lay on the couch and hold my twisting stomach. The pair stay upstairs, baby mentiones to me that they are upstairs and im like 'YUP' and baby is like, ill go get mommy. I'm like 'go for it' so she goes up there, and she's like 'dad is downstairs' an im thinkin baby knows its awkward too.. I go upstairs but into baby's room to collect her things so we can go. I go downstairs. Still no ladies back from the mission. We are now 10 minutes from the time they are supposed to be entering the airport, thus me heading back north home, on a deadline. I woke at 4 am, worked ROOFING all day till 3 then drove strait south for 1:30 mins to wait while my ex and her ex took a shower when we were supposed to be commuting to the airport. BEST DAY EVER. But really. I am ok, I should have KNOWN better, everything points to me keeping away from this woman, I just hate feeling like THAT GUY who was with a woman five years but was totally with a person so opposed to the way they think that they seriously get into horribly bad situations and then blonde up like "Oh oops"

When I go into the baby mommas room, the ex is on the bed face down. He's prone, open to attack, a male sign of submission alot like the one I was giving downstairs on the couch. We would rather act like zombies than interact for her pleasure, I am very sick to my stomach. I muster a smile and say "i didn't know he would be here, can he take you to the airport, cause we are pretty late and I have to drive 2 hrs to my parents before I can go home and shower and go to sleep and wake up at 4am again.

The man, looks at me, says "I can do it but the stuff will be really cramped" Thank god he isn't an emotionally sadistic fuck like she is. When I caught them together I called him instantly. He says into her phone "whats up buttercup" and i laugh. He says "oh shit man, hey I am really sorry" and im like "just don't fuck her here ok?" and he's like yah im really sorry and im like done talking to him on the phone. We see eachother a few times, its awkward, we shake hands whatever. She bangs him and not me, then bangs me and not him. Now she's banging him and not me. I hope I don't get desperate and do it again.

All this rage and I snap, I think "man life is just a story and this is just my story and it isn't that bad" I get my daughter and get the fuck out of that dramatic awkward shit. I rush home hoping to share all this shit with you and feel purified

Maybe. Thx


I look back and did some dumb shit involvin your sis. Really do feel enchanted by her. Not dumb puppy love like you may imagine. I tell you cause I am more than sure she's aware. Tellin you cause you are a jerk for tellin her anythin other than I was a great guy. Jerk. I'm sure it was with your highest level of love and whatever, can't blame you. Just really makes me sad that you could possibly believe I don't measure up. Keeps me away, after I fucked with two perfectly dysfunctional relationships in our circle. Mentally retarded of me in every viewpoint I can take. Might be done lashing out about it. Maybe I'll visit. Probably not, Everytime I see Jessie I get a tight knot of shame in my chest. Rightly so.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

My own fault putting myself in this place surrounded by fattys and uglies with no real interests or imagination. Eccentric behavior just doesn't go over well at all.

No response makes me pretty comfortable. I dread a response in all honesty. Silly of me I suppose. The longer I am alone, the longer I go without a clsoe female contact to remind me of how fantastic I am I fall into this hole of self hate and shame. I wonder about how to make it better and become desperate for anything that used to love me.

It is foolish. The move to Oly is postponed but I can still go up there and party or whatever. Chance meeting a woman with some culture or hippie ideals that might jive. Problem with the house is the 3 single men there that will be first in line. I can outsmart and charm them all BUT that would be rude and agressive of me. They already hesitate to let me move in and I can't blame them. I am practically an incubus. When I am there they are attracted, interested and full of desire to please me, then I am gone and they look back at the experience with suspicion. Too good to be true. I know I look it, I know I act so kind and its just too much to take in. Can't be possible. I want something, I am buttering them up. And in ways I am.

I want what they have. They have access to a multitude of attractions I am without here. They have college connections, DMT connections, all other drug connections. They frequent raves and festivals. They surround themselves with people eager to be charmed.

I am getting so hungry. I feel like a vampire, I feel starved and hateful. I can feel myself lashing out at my crew because I JUST NEED TO FUCK SOMETHING and it's ok, its just not very nice of me. It isn't typical of me to be single anymore in my mind. It isn't like me to go without sex and without love in my life. I need it, I love to tell a woman that she is an angel. I love to tell her she is smart and beautiful. I love to respect and understand her problems and listen. Seems like somewhere there is a line of single women waiting for a man like me to drop into her life.

I'm not really in the mood to seek her out. I will patiently wait here alone till fate drops a good woman into my own life and focus on myself till then. Who knows how long it will be? Probably just till I don't want it anymore, probably right when I think that I no longer need a woman in my life and that everything will be fine and dandy. When I start enjoying my free time that I spend trying to collect ass. When I stop texting women who don't care what words I use they aren't coming over here cooking me dinner watching some movie and blowing me before incredible sex.

No thanks they say. And I wonder why. The fuck did I do to deserve this total lack of desire from the women around me? I feel like I should know, but I don't know at all...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


How could you even for a minute believe that this wasn't possible? Do you not remember when I turned my focus on you? How quickly you fell, and you think this woman that has been so close to you, watched you suffer and drown in extacy with me would be afflicted with a disgust for me?

There is an edge I haven't taken, I haven't even given you a moment of my agression and may never. There comes a moment when everything becomes possible and this thing will soon be possible. If I rushed it then I did but this moment was coming and there is no denial of that fact. IT IS VALID.

You are beautiful, since I have met you, I have watched you with these half creatures, that adored you and fawn over you and that is definitely not what I am. I am not here to be saved or to learn from you, you are not my priestess you are not my goddess and I would not dream to think myself your emperor or your fool.

I want no relationship with you, I don't want to be there for you when you are in need of money or entertainment. I am here to sate you. I am here to give you that thing which no one could possibly give like I give and you have heard how it is. You know details that need not be known to anyone. How could you possibly not wonder? Not want this thing so far detatched from your reality?

I offer moments on call. I offer to come there and appear beautiful and positive, full of energy and ambition to take you and sate every inch of you. Then as your will allows push me away. It is always the same with a man who does not wish to be had. You will want me, you will wonder what if to yourself and suddenly crave those things that you have been avoiding as you have with all these other animals and the betrayal. the mysterious lust of sin will overcome every inch of you again and again till the paradox is too tightly wound in your psych to ignore. At that time you will sever the connection, knowing that I am relentless, I am persistent and I am unending in my desire.

From a distance I easily come and go without notice. This is therapy. I will talk with you about you. I will listen I will give unbiased advice from an outside perspective that is unlike that of the rest of your world.

I can be that if there is no lust in you, I can be both, I can as easily be many things, as many things as you can request and try.

Ah, and maybe it is all impossible but to not look? To turn away because of promises made years ago under a different light and far different expectations? I say run afoul, take the leap and if it falls flat on its face I will know instantly. Swallow my pride and leave immediately without feeling some kind of remorse or discomfort for defeat. I lose all the time. The victories are always sweet.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Jewish single roomate under 25 with no children

I hear that room is still open. I dunno how you feel about me moving in, reservations about my child bein about and such. You are a nice guy and I am not desperate to move at this point, but I would love to come to a possible compermise. If not visiting is fine and I will find somewhere else to stay near there. Either way I'll be around with my child most weekends that I can, BUT I think if I moved in I'll have my sister or my cousin or my grandparents babysit on the weekends so that we can all rage and catch shows. I know Allie was kinna sad Nate couldn't go. Price of being a parent is sacrificing so much fun and wildness for someone who doesn't listen very often and breaks all your stuff :)

So maybe in the next 5-6 months I'll be moving close by. Again, you are a cool guy, Nick is awesome, haven't seen much of the pizza guy yet, but if there is ever anythin I can do to help out, just let me know and I will do my best

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

gone again

i guess if i can't open my big fat mouth and enjoy the result i should keep my mouth shut... or just keep losing women to hear myself talk :|

Monday, July 4, 2011

tell your girl I said "emotions run strong through your life, friends and boyfriends tend to slowly or quickly vanish but no matter how you treat your family they will always forgive you. Try to take the wisdom of everyone of us who has seriously been where you are, at your age, and really really try to remember that your life will not be the same after school ends. I hardly feel like my life started till I had my child, and I will live at least another 40 to 70 years. It seems like forever, everything is exaggerated and dramatic in school. There is so much pressure and it seems very overwhelming and certainly unnecessary! Find a way to cope, find it in music, find it in art, find it in a sport. Do your best not to sit around and mope or fixate on the parts of your day that you don't enjoy and have to do. No one enjoys life all the time, in fact most of life is painful and sad. If life was just how you wanted it all the time you would not come to appreciate those moments that are good. ITS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT JUST CHILL OUT MAN."

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

it comes again...

there is a sensation that occurs when you become close to me that I cannot properly describe because it is beyond words. 

I feel lighter and colors brighter. 
I feel safe and optimistic 
I feel alive and strong. 

I want everything for you, I am dying to 'save' you or help you do whatever it is you want to do, just keep me near so that I can continue to feel this feeling. 

I have lived long and experienced many people. 
You are the one. 
You are the one here and now and I know it clear as day. 
I feel so ashamed to share this, so fearful and already sad as you read it. 
I know you are afraid of whatever the future can throw at us, that it can in fact ruin our lives both in so many ways and be such a tragic downfall. 

Every horrible death, every terrible moment that could come to pass is worth just another moment with you then to be void of you for the rest of my life. 
I will never forget or not understand. 
I will always know that you do know that I have loved you in the most pure way. 
That our experience is one of beautiful innocence and uncanny bliss. 

If there was one word to describe us both it would be indulgence. 
We have reveled in the grand scale of emotions that surround us and survived. 
It is the eye of the storm when I am with you, every moment away I am battered by the world and lost. 
It just isn't the same... 
You do not believe, you do not want to believe, to get your hopes up in this feeling you get when I am there with you. 
It is too good, it is too powerful. 
It is too much and you will never find it anywhere else. 

Yet if you do you are the most blessed of all mother earth's creations, 
I dare to hope it is possible to keep this feeling forever even when you are gone. 

That the idea and the essence of this thing we create is powerful enough to live outside of us and flood into our realities, to emanate from our pours undefined and wash those around us in the light that shines because of our connection

Monday, June 27, 2011

Primary Fixation

She's back. The woman of my dreams that I only had for a week comes back into my life, meets my mother and resists my immediate advances.
Broken texts... unsent and still screaming in my mind...

--I miss your kisses and your look upon me. Be good beauty. I'll make time and space come to heel if you need them from me--

--I've been having a long talk with my heart to let you back in. I feel in love with your words and actions when you were near me but now that you are not here I feel a bit down. You are ah, addictive :3 you are stranded away from me. After coming to you can you come to me? I would love to pick you up at the train and take you home down--

--I will do whatever i can to help you help me get what I want. My goals include helpin you love who you are as much as i do, then gettin you to love me that much, then and only then can i convince us together that life is always better when we are one--

Sunday, June 19, 2011


I thought of an example of awkward texting with this girl. So we are texting along, I've been telling her she is beautiful for awhile and that i like what she says and thinks she's smart etc... which is mostly true, she's not a moron or anything but the subjects she chooses to speak about are less about her and i and more about what she is interested and even when I'm like 'meh' she rambles on.

OK so then she gets down to telling me how she is in bed... COOL great news, so I bitch about not even seeing her in person, so why the fuck are we talking about bedside anything? Wow I bet she's great in bed, but when are we gonna have some lunch together?

Anyhow she never replies when I ask her out, but still she wants to talk about what a catch she is and what her favorite things are and how waiting for her is a great idea.

No it isn't.

So as she tells me all these things she likes I reply that I'll try to remember, and those things she likes to do that I would love to set a date and do those things.

She's fucking this guy btw, not dating him, he's a crybaby and she's gonna dump him. SILLY ME, I fell for it, keep talking to her.

Anyhow, After she tells me all these things she wants in a man, and I tell her I think I can probably do most of that and work on the rest, I tell her what I want in a woman [sadly i can't give you exact details, remember, I've been half lying to this siren for about a month or two at the time] and guess what NO FUCKING REPLIES. and I'm like

Why am I talking to this pretty face if she's gonna be like a pretty picture on the wall? its just a dark haired woman with bricks in her scull and a 1000 dollar entry fee to her vagina. Plus I got to listen to this constant bs without talking for hours

Who wants that? is she really oblivious to how others feel about this?

I'm not sure what the purpose of my interaction was with her. When it started out I wanted to be her friend and SURE thats what she said too but the less I talked about wanting in her pants, the less I talked about how sexy she was, the less we talked.

Crazy right? So she did want to get it on it's just she couldn't say that, she didn't want to sound like a slut. The Mystery Method was made based on women like this one.

Honestly the woman disgusts me personality wise and I love the way she looks. In all honesty she probably isn't all that good in the sack, or she smells, or I will have to do all the work and treat her like some kind of golden prize.

Whatever the key to her nudity, I didn't jump at it like a fish hook.

Sorry about the dump, you got me thinking and it turned to thinking of you and our relationship. When I had the first momentary idea of spending time with you it was uncountably a sexual line of thinking. I heard a similar story about your boyfriend being kind of lame and the more I see of him the less I think you two are compatible. I'll never mention that again, you should stay with him for sure because once I started to persue you I realized that you and I are too close already for me to lie to you like I was this dumb bitch.

See I am attracted to who you are. Every good female friend is a potential relationship, the problem is that sex ends them. Eventually, in my experience, one person or the other changes or gets bored or whatever and wants to end the 'for keeps' stage of the relationship.

This just will not do. You and I will be friends forever and that is final. That girl Natalie? Didn't want to be friends, which cracks me up, and I want you to know that as I was speaking to both of you around the same time, you being very cool and more to my like in the way we communicate totally made me think I was wasting my time and attention on Natalie. I was like FINALLY a woman that I don't have to worry about playing dumb head games with, so THANKS and this entire thing I suspect is a bit awkward because of it's relative size but then specific points make it all the worse.

I tend to over think all things and as you can imagine, I have formulated more than enough possible replies that you could give me to this email, but in general I want you to know I am just dumping what I was thinking onto my computer.

Whatever use you find in me I am pleased to cooperate. Whatever I can be for you that you would like that I am not I would be up for attempting to be.

As for you to me, you serve as a kindred spirit, some female perspective, and a comfortable disposition of trust towards me that I enjoy. I would not betray you, and I suppose you teach me some things about patience, sneakyness, and wild abandon.

It's good. If you have problems maybe I can help. I'd love to help you move your stuff out to this new home with your man. I again urge you to keep him and work with him, good women and men are hard to come by and if that dude doesn't go off and bone random women, blow all his money [IF HES SAVING FOR A HOME PURCHASE] on dumb shit, living check to check, making a fool out of himself publicly, ruining things often in some uncontrollable way, I say he's alright. He's not fat or ugly, and any personality flaws you find within him are improveable, yet his core being can never be changed.

Just like I told Shea the other day, the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence and I am here to tell you, if it is better, you wont think it is, you will know it. You will know it because it is always better when you are away from him. I know many women seem to 'hop' from one man to the next. If you break it off with this one, getting into a relationship right afterwards is a trap, you are just feeding sexual and emotional addiction to an idea that isn't really there.

It's fine to do that I suppose if you protect yourself, but doing it blindly will end up making you feel empty, looking back on some relationships and knowing that if you had just not been impatient lazy and selfish, it would probably last forever and be a great life to live.

I know instinctively that this is too long and that maybe I wont even get it to you. Welcome to my blog lol