Thursday, April 28, 2011


So some of you I am sure have seen the movie revolver.

I ask that you all take a moment to realize there is an extended version that is much fuller and more flavorful that at some point I downloaded then like a fool lost track of. Now I go looking for it but I cannot find it.

If you know of a source or name of this Revolver cut I want it and I miss it terribly. It is a must have to share and re watch again and again like I did fight club and other such awesome mind blowing movies that help me keep pace in a world full of greed and self affliction to material objects of little emotional/spiritual reward


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

maybe I will send this one

I do want your heart to kickflip and spin and sit and stay and beg if thats what you enjoy. Since you broke this barrier where you related about your current relationship I got to thinkin that I really do not want to get in your pants.

You are way too cool and way too beautiful to jump into bed with. Now as I told you before, we have chemistry. If you didn't pick that up, then it is a bit more work for me to show you that we are naturally very good friends.

But best friends? How could I know that? How could that be anymore than fantasy and desire at this point? How I would love to have babies with a natural tan, with your beautiful looks and my charming personality.

Sure, sounds great and I'll daydream about it because I'm a hopeless romantic type and I can't help it. But in reality rushing in will only weaken the chance for both of us to realize true happiness between eachother, within eachother.

So whenever you are ready, we can start doing friendly things of any sort. I am very easy to entertain and I love to help and be a strong man. I love eating and I do not enjoy the price of movies [I tend to steal them] But I love to drive a very long ways, even just for a beautiful view and just to listen to music. I love to sing and I am learning to love dancing even tho I do feel very rediculous.

Even if you lose this man, even if you invite me over into your bathtub and you are in there covered in whip cream I'll do everything in my power as a prudent individual to keep myself from falling into the trap of early passion that might ruin the beautiful slow development of a long term relationship with such an exotic beauty as yourself.

Monday, April 18, 2011


More than ever.. Good luck friend, my life got tight and hard to the point where I pulled the Jeep. Originally my thinking was that she has not used it to secure a job of any kind. That she was just playing and avoiding work, afterall... Why get any possible job doing whatever she possibly can when it doesn't pay as well as not working?

I layed some hard shit on myself last night as I watched her put up with a pretty lame situation with her awkward roomate 'Mike' who seems to be a huge fuck.

Her and this older lady Denae? seem so helpless. And she goes on and on about laying in the bed she made, like she needs to live some shit life.

I can't help but feel like her being with me took away so much of the odd shittyness in her life and when she left me to come down to Oregon she somehow found it all again, like a warm smelly blanket that she knows and understands. Like she said to herself 'Ah, at least here I know my place' or whatever.

My baby, I just worry about the stress over my baby. Good support systems don't magically appear for people, and it doesn't seem like she has alot of friends or support at all, maybe it was just the day and the time?

Anyhow I'm blowing up this effect upon myself and my daughter, blowing it out of proportion, we are both affected little.. It's just so strange to me to see how she would rather live to avoid the life I offer.

Reminds me of the 300 spartans dying a horrible death to maintain a hard shit life for the rest of the spartans.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Mother is coming to Olympia on Monday. Wont see her without the Jeep. Really wish you could get your vehicle needs handled this weekend and get it back to me till the truck deal finishes as planned. Hard to let you complain and not react. What if that piece of shit Toyota breaks down and you aren't 20 minutes away? Back where I was when I needed the Jeep.

Tell me you can make it without the Jeep till I have this Ford. You can bitch about it to me all you want, I'll listen. I want to. Haven't heard your voice for how long? Your texts are mad then silence.

What the fuck man? Friend time is over for now? Caught you at a bad time you said, but since then hasn't been much better.

Can't you give me a bit of your time and make me feel a little better? Just a few minutes of your day to talk to me would be cool, I don't mean to bother you, I wanna hear about how it is without the Jeep and say I am sorry and understand where you are coming from.

"cold silence has, and always seems to atrophy any sense of compassion...........I know the pieces fit............"

I really was only trying to see the bright side of a shitty situation, I knew this would be hard on you

Monday, April 11, 2011

‎'first time since i really felt happy' - feel like I fell for it. I'm better now, not resenting or mad or anything. More like clumsy, more like I did a swan dive into the ocean and somehow it turned to ice. Quick lessons. Hard lessons. Unforgettable and without a doubt one of the greatest events to ever happen in my entire life.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I did not send it to you because you were not here. Another woman got it, and I did dump it on my blog for review.

The basic jist of it was me going on about how stupid addiction to sex has made having a good strong foundational relationship of any sort with anyone you are attracted to.

I asked one simple question. Are you currently celibate? I am getting pretty fucking close. I can hardly take care of myself properly, keep my beard trimmed and room clean [tho my bills are all neatly in order] let alone interact with another human being in any full on manner.

Chasing women makes me sick. I'm sick of the shit involved. I don't want to take you out and feed you one bit. Not at all. I don't want to bring you here either, not for sex or movies [because I watched them all lol] and I am too poor to take you out for an activity that we will both find enjoyable that will be enriching and challenging AND fun.

I want to have you around sure. In all the ways I want a woman I can say I want you. I want to go to sleep holding you and wake up next to you and wake you with a good strong nibble on your clit.

Any woman worth having I want in this place.

I can't say it's even true for you and I, but at this time, and until proven otherwise you hold a place within of desire.

Most men I assume feel this way. These things you want out of a man? this adventure and such? You should really come up with some stuff for us to do that involves this and I'll drive. You pay for everything and we can go, cause I'm poor as fuck, but look how handsome I am, and I will be very thankful and giving in every way that I can.

Wait, am I trying to play the pretty one? You are very attractive yes but we are in the same boat. I want to be single but I am very interested in no longer being single and instead spending good effort with one other person being happy and becoming even moreso and even more than that growing together and becoming stronger.

Maybe I'm wrong. Rum hits fast.

I'm not having sex with anyone right now, not for weeks even. Not even trying. As fun as it is, as fantastic as I am at it, there are just not candidates worth taking and giving the experience atm. I'm not gonna go out of my way, compermise my personal preference of company to get my dick wet. Not that important.

Friday, April 8, 2011

great. something I can post directly into blogger.

You are the most powerful person in my life. You have been forever. Your past, your life and your legacy have always been an incredible story for me. I myself feel like I could never possibly fully live up to the standard you set for me, and I never could fast enough, never will fast enough I imagine.

Everything about writing comforts me. You can't cut me off, you can't assert your dominance. The most you can do is not read any further, and I beg of you to do so. I consider writing one of my few well honed talents. I should find a way to make a dollar with this talent.

I love you, and I wish that you wouldn't come down so stern and stiff. I feel like to tell you, to demand better treatment would be disrespectful to you, You have your rights... But to abide your law would cripple my effectiveness in the field. It does not make my manager's life easy, it certainly takes away from my ability to be an essential part of the crew, also something you require of me.

My past failures gave me a great learning experience. I refuse to believe the opportunity is gone, that you have written me off as a failure forever, that you cannot see the changes that have come over me. My blatant disrespect for L&I is gone. My third interaction with them was the last, and it was very foolish. I learned everything not to do in two days. There will be no repeat actions in this.

My arrogance with the van was also foolish, you must think me such an ingrate and it is true, I feel pushed far out and away, I feel that as I fail you more and more, you should clutch me tighter instead of pushing me away, silently letting something settle like there is nothing to say, like there are no words to explain this foolish event.

Left to the mystery of things. Left to sort some things out on my own.

I only have one very serious question that I crave beyond all others to be answered: How well did I sell? Did I perform so horribly?

I constantly made my manager uncomfortable, I ragged on and on at you and my uncle about this van, I blatantly disrespected L&I on my second job as 'foreman' and failed to pay some infraction in our southern region.

These things I have learned not to do. I fell apart. I have forgiven myself and moved forward. I have grown. I ask for you to do the same. And maybe that isn't enough. Maybe the man above you will never forgive me my sins, maybe I will be holed in this Black sheep mold forever and forever may I rot here on the middle rung between journeyman and repairman. Never to be Warehouseman never again to be Salesman or Manager.

But must you be so cold to me? Must you rush forward and stomp on my heart? I look back now from your wife's wise counsel to me and I think that she is very correct, that I have hurt you so deeply, that you have raised me up to some level, to some expectation of being that I could never really amount to, and maybe I never will

We both know it will never be soon enough.

This thing with the dump truck, it was foolish but is a very easy fix. It happened at less than 1 mile an hour and was more of a rub than a crunch, I didn't even hear it over the engine.

This loan of the Chev, I could have done totally without it, I love you and wish you no trouble, I was hesitant to even ask to borrow a truck, but my dear friend the mechanic did insist upon it and I was for a moment overcome with emotion and distraught.

You could have mentioned the boss had revoked my rights instead of being so cold and firm with me. 'Not my problem' - Indeed it is not your problem, but isn't it a problem that you are forced to revoke such rights from a man on your crew that drives every day?

What was my offence 2 months ago? My suspension is ended lawfully. Insurance covers me for driving any and all company vehicles.

Why is it that so many things pass over my head that have to do with me? Maybe only these few things? And why couldn't you come to me about the revocation of my driving company vehicles? Why did my manager tell the mechanic? Why was it left to the mechanic to tell me something at all?

I love you man, just tell me and be nice about it. I react very well to bad news of all sorts.
If in your heart you believe I will never be a good leader say so. If you believe you are a good leader, lets spend more time together away from where we usually see eachother. Lets help me learn to be a good leader, treat me like I am more than a mere lemming, that over time I can develop this ability in my own way with your help as a teacher, it just will never come quick enough for you. Maybe it is more work than you are willing to put out, that you feel it is my own job void of your participation

I suppose maybe it is.

If I cannot be a foreman, if I am a second man for life, if I can't run a shop, if I can't run an office or be a secondary salesman let me know. Don't tell me 'I don't think you are doing the job you love' because I love this company and I love the employees and I love working in any part of it that I can. It has been a boon, I know almost everyone in the entire corporation on a first name basis. I have many close friends that have come and gone from the company but I continue to know.

If I am stuck in your mind as a failure that cannot succeed, please remember that I never became a raging drunk. I was never so hopelessly addicted to anything to really get a shot to my mind, a moment of clarity like the rest of my beautifully empowered family

The biggest shock of my life has been my girlfriend leaving me after so long, My mounting bills are a constant reminder of my past mistakes. The biggest and most shaking moment of my life was my eviction from Longview branch.

How long will you hold these mistakes against me?

Look at who I have become since my whole world perception has been shaken to the core. Since Longview my social circle has disintegrated. I have very few real friends and all of them are now helpful giving individuals with familys and investments. The dirt bags I knew are drifting away now that I do not live anywhere near them. A month of rain destroyed my savings, but I drive legal with insurance and all my bills are being paid on time every time. I do my best to question when I come to ask favors, I am always ready to hear NO. I am always expecting NO. I show up every day to work, I work hard and have a positive attitude. I do more than I need to and give 110%

I try to be grateful for the things that I have not lost and work to retain those good things that I have gained.

I know that I cannot show you this change soon enough, that all of us lack the patience, and none of us want the heartbreak of being let down again. I know it hurts and I know that I have hurt you. I appreciate those opportunities that you put in front of me and I am very sorry that I squandered and failed with them.

But without all those mistakes, especially in such a very short time, I would not have the clarity drive and vision that I now hold close to my center. I was not ready, and I hope you realize that at this time I am still not ready to accept such a proposition again. I am not ready, but I am willing to try any task you put before me and give everything that I can every day as I always have, now with more prudence and humility and care than ever before.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

How many men do you think you meet that aren't already sleeping with someone else? Quite possibly one of the most boring parts of my life, I am constantly trolling for pussy. The idea of keeping a woman in this mode is almost zero.

I just now really came to that conclusion. It gets worse, if I stop having sex it is ultimately going to drive my agression level through the roof. There are many solutions. I can beat off. Sure, works really good for the short term, but after several weeks it just isn't enough.

From what I have gathered any woman really worth keeping takes more upkeep than just sex and nice words and dinner now and then.
There must be trips and activities, something those of us just having sex for the last 8 years have really come to neglect. Gotta get some hobbies, gotta get off my ass and do things for myself

But I'm NOT doing these things for myself. Gotta acknowledge that the only reason that I am going to do any of this is so that I can find a woman that I can KEEP.

Keeping a woman is alot different than getting a woman to sleep with you, it seems difficult but I see lots of people, DUMBER, and far less attractive than me with perfectly acceptable females.

How they do that? And what the fuck is my problem that I cannot seem to do that? Where did these lucky middle of the gene pool fgts find ok women when I continue to toss one away after another?

Again, what is wrong with me?

I know for sure that this is part of the overall problem. I am not in fact a horrible mess, but the longer I go on being single without positive reinforcement [hah, not just chicks at the bar saying 'hey handsome' but shit i believe from women of worth] the less hope of being paired I can hold on to.

My question is: why do you seem to think going without sex is gonna help you? Why couldn't you have sex with men the same way a man does, and just play with a boy till you find a better one, or several, while looking for mr. right?

What if you spend a year getting to know a guy, and he's shit in the sack? or his penis tastes terrible? I guess over that much time you would learn these things. And every girl likes to flirt, I assume you do some of that, I wonder just how far you go before you say 'stop'

What drives you to that point? You have been so close, and I wonder to myself if my intervention caused this severance or if you were seriously not very attracted to my dear friend?

I want to hear this for myself. If you are just not that into me or if the situation itself is akward. There are plenty of variables all of which are impossible to really get into without interaction from you, which is why i post this here, then call you on the phone
So I was thinking as I always do
about this
and i was like 'why girls who dig me say they want more stop sleeping with me and whoosh away
see its too late. the girl is mad and doesn't want to come round me because just like me she wants to fuck all the time. It is essentially too late to change that
but they say it
any woman worth keeping, that thinks i am worth keeping is eventually gonna be fucking pissed
eventually she's gonna be like 'i want more from this man and he's treating me like a whore'
its true
but then comes the real problem. What do? What are these meaningful things that a woman wants, how does a man grow up and take responsibility for the change
because we are as usual stuck in the same mode, happy to go along our day doing the same old shit, stubbornly waiting till its too late and then trying to find a new girl and repeat the process
THIS TIME rushing everything to get to 'the good stuff' and falling into the same pattern being left once again for treating a girl like a piece of meat
At least in her eyes
A man doesn't see it this way. A man sleeps with a girl yes to enjoy her but again, he wants to sleep with one that he wants to keep
the problem seems to be that the only girls that will sleep with him are the ones he doesn't want to keep, leading him to smile and hold back his true standing so that he can get a piece, but what?! hes doing this while he's waiting for the one?
and terribly untrue
the one isn't gonna be chill while a man continues to tolerate stupid women that open thier legs and can't keep thier mouths shut
just not how it works, the dumb girl opens her legs because its all she has to get attention and keep power or influence over her world
so you struggle to find other ways to feel alive
sex eventually isn't enough
its like the next level of the game
the game was easy in highschool you get laid and you make fun of girls
not so easy anymore
It's a growing up thing. I'm sure of it.
yah i know
epic shit
maybe more later

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

i got a girl and i want to fall but she's pretty good at keepin me out of that mode. so its a struggle to even open up because oh shit i might get hurt and i know she isn't perfect but im pushing for it anyways because i feel so empty
needs man. adventure.  passion. random trips, staying up all night talking. constant laughs. freaky in the bed [crazy freaky..] - show up out of the blue for you or be spontanious like a trip to anywhere on a train.

Someone that will put up with her stubborn ass

Monday, April 4, 2011

how long can i really avoid this

I know what I see isn't really happening. I know it may just be playful and making you smile. I don't want to believe that after speaking with me in person less than 20 minutes that you have found yourself overly attracted. On the other hand you can have a chemical match almost immediatly and that might have occured. I didn't make instant comments of affection, you did come here with my roomate and it is his house and I do believe you should be blowing him and not bowing to me, but bowing to one in the house is better than bowing to none and again I am not very pleased with how crippled you are mobility wise. You are attractive but behind on the times dearest beauty.

An incredibly exotic look, saying sweet things, possibly enthralled by my attention tho I suppose it is a small world and my ability to draw things out has become very much more alluring than what was previously my scale of aquisition.

My mind already awash with signals screaming for me to attack.

The time is not now and I know that for sure. Must wait... fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Sunday, April 3, 2011

whats a self centered old friend think when he sees you're single?

Wanna fuck? No but seriously you should contact Animal if you want your phone found. The guy is pretty easy to find i think, maybe not? But he should be able to find any shit bag you want. Haven't seen him for a  minute but I heard he's around.

Anyhow where are you? I'd like to see you and catch up. I was a bit shy to speak to you when I saw you before at the bar. I doubt you recognized me even, how could you? It's been a bit.

I live in Winlock and my life is currently polluted with all sorts of external horse shit but I will come into town and pick you up for a bite to eat if you will?

Can't remember a SINGLE fucking moment when you were a bitch. Why is that? I saw you say some mean shit to some people, that deserved it.

Seems you need someone around you that you can trust. I would love to do that for you. We got along fine, honesty and all that. I was so baked in HS I don't even remember why we seperated =| probably my fault.

Anyhow, I can't say I really got awkward issues or hidden agenda bullshit to throw at you, I don't need to get laid and I certainly have no intent of falling madly in love or making shit any harder for you than it already is, but to see you again might be really good. Not sure how many nice warm smiles and compliments you get in a day, but I have some for you.