Friday, April 8, 2011

great. something I can post directly into blogger.

You are the most powerful person in my life. You have been forever. Your past, your life and your legacy have always been an incredible story for me. I myself feel like I could never possibly fully live up to the standard you set for me, and I never could fast enough, never will fast enough I imagine.

Everything about writing comforts me. You can't cut me off, you can't assert your dominance. The most you can do is not read any further, and I beg of you to do so. I consider writing one of my few well honed talents. I should find a way to make a dollar with this talent.

I love you, and I wish that you wouldn't come down so stern and stiff. I feel like to tell you, to demand better treatment would be disrespectful to you, You have your rights... But to abide your law would cripple my effectiveness in the field. It does not make my manager's life easy, it certainly takes away from my ability to be an essential part of the crew, also something you require of me.

My past failures gave me a great learning experience. I refuse to believe the opportunity is gone, that you have written me off as a failure forever, that you cannot see the changes that have come over me. My blatant disrespect for L&I is gone. My third interaction with them was the last, and it was very foolish. I learned everything not to do in two days. There will be no repeat actions in this.

My arrogance with the van was also foolish, you must think me such an ingrate and it is true, I feel pushed far out and away, I feel that as I fail you more and more, you should clutch me tighter instead of pushing me away, silently letting something settle like there is nothing to say, like there are no words to explain this foolish event.

Left to the mystery of things. Left to sort some things out on my own.

I only have one very serious question that I crave beyond all others to be answered: How well did I sell? Did I perform so horribly?

I constantly made my manager uncomfortable, I ragged on and on at you and my uncle about this van, I blatantly disrespected L&I on my second job as 'foreman' and failed to pay some infraction in our southern region.

These things I have learned not to do. I fell apart. I have forgiven myself and moved forward. I have grown. I ask for you to do the same. And maybe that isn't enough. Maybe the man above you will never forgive me my sins, maybe I will be holed in this Black sheep mold forever and forever may I rot here on the middle rung between journeyman and repairman. Never to be Warehouseman never again to be Salesman or Manager.

But must you be so cold to me? Must you rush forward and stomp on my heart? I look back now from your wife's wise counsel to me and I think that she is very correct, that I have hurt you so deeply, that you have raised me up to some level, to some expectation of being that I could never really amount to, and maybe I never will

We both know it will never be soon enough.

This thing with the dump truck, it was foolish but is a very easy fix. It happened at less than 1 mile an hour and was more of a rub than a crunch, I didn't even hear it over the engine.

This loan of the Chev, I could have done totally without it, I love you and wish you no trouble, I was hesitant to even ask to borrow a truck, but my dear friend the mechanic did insist upon it and I was for a moment overcome with emotion and distraught.

You could have mentioned the boss had revoked my rights instead of being so cold and firm with me. 'Not my problem' - Indeed it is not your problem, but isn't it a problem that you are forced to revoke such rights from a man on your crew that drives every day?

What was my offence 2 months ago? My suspension is ended lawfully. Insurance covers me for driving any and all company vehicles.

Why is it that so many things pass over my head that have to do with me? Maybe only these few things? And why couldn't you come to me about the revocation of my driving company vehicles? Why did my manager tell the mechanic? Why was it left to the mechanic to tell me something at all?

I love you man, just tell me and be nice about it. I react very well to bad news of all sorts.
If in your heart you believe I will never be a good leader say so. If you believe you are a good leader, lets spend more time together away from where we usually see eachother. Lets help me learn to be a good leader, treat me like I am more than a mere lemming, that over time I can develop this ability in my own way with your help as a teacher, it just will never come quick enough for you. Maybe it is more work than you are willing to put out, that you feel it is my own job void of your participation

I suppose maybe it is.

If I cannot be a foreman, if I am a second man for life, if I can't run a shop, if I can't run an office or be a secondary salesman let me know. Don't tell me 'I don't think you are doing the job you love' because I love this company and I love the employees and I love working in any part of it that I can. It has been a boon, I know almost everyone in the entire corporation on a first name basis. I have many close friends that have come and gone from the company but I continue to know.

If I am stuck in your mind as a failure that cannot succeed, please remember that I never became a raging drunk. I was never so hopelessly addicted to anything to really get a shot to my mind, a moment of clarity like the rest of my beautifully empowered family

The biggest shock of my life has been my girlfriend leaving me after so long, My mounting bills are a constant reminder of my past mistakes. The biggest and most shaking moment of my life was my eviction from Longview branch.

How long will you hold these mistakes against me?

Look at who I have become since my whole world perception has been shaken to the core. Since Longview my social circle has disintegrated. I have very few real friends and all of them are now helpful giving individuals with familys and investments. The dirt bags I knew are drifting away now that I do not live anywhere near them. A month of rain destroyed my savings, but I drive legal with insurance and all my bills are being paid on time every time. I do my best to question when I come to ask favors, I am always ready to hear NO. I am always expecting NO. I show up every day to work, I work hard and have a positive attitude. I do more than I need to and give 110%

I try to be grateful for the things that I have not lost and work to retain those good things that I have gained.

I know that I cannot show you this change soon enough, that all of us lack the patience, and none of us want the heartbreak of being let down again. I know it hurts and I know that I have hurt you. I appreciate those opportunities that you put in front of me and I am very sorry that I squandered and failed with them.

But without all those mistakes, especially in such a very short time, I would not have the clarity drive and vision that I now hold close to my center. I was not ready, and I hope you realize that at this time I am still not ready to accept such a proposition again. I am not ready, but I am willing to try any task you put before me and give everything that I can every day as I always have, now with more prudence and humility and care than ever before.