Friday, July 29, 2011


I don't know what you expected to happen. Honestly I have spent less time on you in the last week than I have since we met, then you come to me beating down my phone with all this nonsense about being a stalker and how I bring you to such epic ups and downs or whatever. You tell me your greatest secrets [i assume] then beg for me to leave you alone. This is the second time you have run me over with words swearing that I am doing some horrible thing to your psyche. I just can't believe it. You talk of a possible future and fate and how you want it but you hope it doesn't happen because when you see me your world does something that you don't like or that you are uncomfortable with or that doesn't happen any other time in your life. I was finished with you Stephanie, why did you have to do this to me? I was talking to your girlfriend and said nothing of you to her at any time. Of course the moment you told me to stop talking to them I started to say it to her then I caught myself and knew that you wouldn't like it. You run me pretty hard in my opinion. I blocked your wall along with 90% of the walls on facebook. That shit gets so old I don't use it that way. It is a place I can correspond not a place I can catch up on gossip. I haven't written things to you or talked about you with anyone for quite awhile, not since I mentioned your statement about family and true friends. That shit hurt me deeper than I would like.

You affect me. That fact is undeniable but this tearing back and forth you seem to experience I cannot account for properly on my side of the chit chat we have had. You were getting fussy about many things and so I backed way off. I got off Life Synth and went onto finding other ways to interact with people. Kels and I have said very little to each other. She is stand offish which I understand, but she enjoys my attention and I give it to her in small doses. I don't want to be with her, or you or any woman. I am fine and I don't go out of my way to look, hardly even think about all the different women in my life that I could possibly be with at any time. Till now.

I can't get you off my mind. I hope this helps because it makes me mad. Not that it will last and I cannot forgive you. I just suddenly have so many statements and retorts to throw at you. I have never in my life met a person that creates so much expression in me and I can't help but let it out. Apparently in this love hate relationship you don't want anymore attention from me. Impossible to do when you send me 45 texts.

There is no perfect time that is coming. This is some kind of version of 'What dreams may come.' You are insane and I am a sweet guy who will do anything for you, I am over the stars in love with you and I want to support you and help you see that you are valid even with your faults. I see you date these fucking monsters in your past, these foolish men with all these evil or destructive habits and I see you trying to compensate for the evil within you. We all have a beast inside and to imagine that I am some sort of pure sweetling would be a waste of your imagination. I have my own monsters yet they do not get any release upon you. I know many tricks, manipulative underhanded shit that I could pull. I see the opportunities but fail to act.

AGAIN I tell you that your fucking flaws and wild nature to which you claim is terrible does not scare me, does not make me think you are insane or sick in the head or fucked up. You are a woman born into the city and growing through some of the most incredibly extreme experiences I have heard tell of. You broke me in the week you were here. You grabbed the moment as I have so many times before and you danced with me to the point of no return. I cut you deep revealing your action to your sister. That was instinctual. I would not fail to affirm that I was pleased with you and my instant desire to keep you. You said the words, you walked a fine line and told me the bad things you do and the good. You give me some speech about how I seem to ignore the bad and just focus on the good. That I was making you out to be some rare flawless gem. We both know that not to be the case. You have issues, baggage of a nature that is very perilous. It takes an incredible amount of swift thinking to stay on top of you and keep you from going ten directions.

Now you are claiming multipersonalities? I tell you that everyone is different with everyone else. If you stay for long periods alone with one person they will see what they want to see in you and you will oblige, doing the same to them. Everyone has multiple sides. To say it is a problem is saying to me that you cannot control which of these faces shall emerge at any time. I know the cold distant go away you very well now that I am away and pecking at you. I know you're irritation. I can see your pissy face and it is of course as adorable as all the others. I try my best to respect it and not peck but you are so passive and seem to in no way try at all to give me time with you in person. SURE you called, which of course after long days with cold heartless Stephanie, I am shocked and confused. FEARFUL even that what you have to say is some mad rage reaction to something I had said online.

It is funny that you got off facebook because you have practically chased me off of it. Now I put a positive light on every single fucking bit of your dismissals and demands. I can accomplish them all and be proud that you wont say 'how many times do i have to tell you'
Well fuck man, you are a complex woman, crazy and at moments very victimized. I tried for a week to get you into the hospital when you were sick and you refused to go. That is laughable what the fuck was I thinking? If you don't wanna go don't go. I could force you. I could learn to force you to do a great many things if that is what it takes but I am not so fast to assume control over you in any way without good firm reinforcement.

This is incredible. Not even the tip of the iceberg, and I was so done writing to you lol.

You need to try and start a company. You need to be the boss and you need to run the shit because of the chaotic way that your mind and body work. It would be easy for you to do because most of it does not involve you being consistent in many ways. FOUR HOUR WORK WEEK its by this guy named tim ferriss. I swear to fucking god it will help you get strait. You are very unique and the pressure on you seems to go extreme sometimes.

Fuck I can't even send this today. I wont send it for weeks if I can stave off my fucking impatience. I suddenly have that shit all rush back to me and I am so mad when you say you love me and all this fate shit. Yah I'm coming for you when I get my shit strait. Not waiting I'll find you and take you as best I can to love protect and support in whatever way I can. You seem so worried about this private life you want to leave, how you don't want to be seen as a fake or a liar or a criminal. You don't want to lose trust with those around you and I fucking swear to god you are insinuating that in some way I would compromise your relationships with these two that hardly know me that I would never speak to about you for any reason because it is a fucking sin against you told to me at least 20 times. I don't call you in the mornings because you are always fucking sleeping and I hardly have the desire to talk at night because I work all day. I don't email you EVER and I try to only reply to you on facebook [ah, there's something I wont worry about] Same with phone texts I do my best to just not be worried about when the fuck I talk to you because if I do I want to talk to you every fucking day. I want to see you and constantly think about seeing you and how I should save and go do it, get up there and spend the day with you. Then I bring it up and you are like 'i dunno maybe, ill find time for you' and I'm thinking FUCK its not time and I should just let her be. Her life has been a fucked up mess for so long I think I should let her have some peace

Then there is the other side of me that says 'nononononono' you are the fucking cure to all my needs and desire. I need so very little attention and words and you have already said so many of them I only need affirmation every once in awhile. I cure you. As far as I am concerned when I am with you, you are more healthy and radiant than you are when you are around anyone else. You hide your problems and put on a good show, that is what I must assume. And that is fine but you would be mistaken to assume at this stage that who you really are, past the person you have shown me is invalid or impure in my eyes. You are human and you are not perfect. You are beautiful but capable of ugly actions and makin ugly faces if you are urged to do so. You are very smart but at the same time may be addicted to foolish behavior.

When you say you have to let me go I imagine this is your own bullshit in your own head. You let me go when you left Lewis County. You let me go when we sat in my car at your parents door and you refused that I spend my money to have you in a hotel near the top floor with access to a pool jacuzzi room service, plus me myself and I fully at your service for a full body rub, tons of pussy eating no matter the condition of your pussy and a ripe long hard fucking of your life from a grateful and beautiful mate. You skipped that fucking photoshoot, which means you either blatantly lied to me or really were sure you would have gone. I tend to think you lied, made excuses to get away from that moment when I would have you all to myself away from anyone else and drive you to a point past insanity where you felt clarity and once again believed that you and I should be together. When you would look into my eyes and say things that you would later regret because when I am gone you are no longer the same sweet loving female eternally commited to me in every way.

I don't give a flying fuck what you do while I am not around. I am trying to make that plain as fucking day I don't care I don't think about it I don't worry about it. I have gone out of my way to block it on facebook. I don't see what you write other people on thier walls I don't see your posts I don't see when you put up a new picture. Fucking nothing. I do my best to keep my distance from you in every way possible and then BAM you rage at me for stalking you.

I don't care if you lie or manipulate me, I have no fear of you compermising me for your own selfish wants or needs. You could be so much worse. You could lead me up there for outings and smile in my face, maybe touching me a little like you did when I was there, then giving me a denial every evening. You must know that I would come if you requested it. I would say I was sick with the flu and leave to see you right fucking now if you asked. I want nothing more. But if you are going to be stand offish and not try to lure me to you then fuck it I wont come. I'll stay here, entertain myself in other ways. I don't get bored waiting for you, I simply do something else. I can't count on you to plan anything to do with me. You say I am one of your elite 3 but THINK ABOUT THE SUBJECT MATTER BETWEEN US, it is shit. We don't talk about physics, mystical occurrences, synchronicity in our daily life, the irony that comes into play that makes us laugh. We don't talk about much at all except you're work is not what you expected and being difficult to manage, that you volunteer at some bitchin medical weed establishment, you has suspended license and live at home. Shit is boring. I want to know about new music you have run into. I have found some really chill ass dubstep called blackmill i think [looks...]. Hmm yah blackmill. Just got bassnectar's new album but haven't gotten around to it. I got hail the villain, hollywood undeads new album is super corney, I love the music but the rap is SO BAD that me and my friends were laughin at it. This fenech soler... don't think i like it. Ronald Jenkees is very cool but gets redundant. I really appreciate his work. Sixx AM's new album is incomplete. Not too impressed. Enter Shikari... Can't get that shit downloaded anywhere. The Glitch Mob is also very bomb ass dubstep... Hmmm what else here... All skrillex's work, his ST stuff new and old... LOL and I love selena Gomez - Who says, gotta be cause I have a daughter. I sing it so loud!

Many spiritual people are flowing into my present life that I have met from my past and I am very excited to remember who they were to me, and what we were together it is very inspiring, makes me feel so much lighter!! I don't know what to fucking do about you. I always want you, I always will but I will not fucking bother you with this shit relentlessly. I'll do my best to fucking ignore you exist for awhile and MAYBE you will bother me when you are readdy but im not gonna hold my fucking breath. You are too prudent, you know I bring on extreme changes to you and your life and that no matter what happens its gonna hurt, pain or pleasure I am gonna push it past where you want it or expect it to be. Then I'm gonna say sorry and that I did it out of love and you are gonna reel and be like FFS pat you ruined days of my life with these aftershocks... And I'll feel a bit bad but excited that I have such a heavy effect upon you. You also cause me to feel and express more intensely than any individual in my life.

I WANT to be that person who knows you totally. You rage against it, you resist it and I am pleased to back away but I don't fucking want to. I mean you no harm and I am here to help you, I want to heal you and make you whole. I want to show you whatever the fuck you are hiding you don't have to hide from me because there is no fucking thing that you could do that I could write you off for if it doesn't make me hurt. If it doesn't ruin my life by knowing then...... Well it could. You could be poisoning yourself. You could be masochistic. You could need me to be nasty to you. Rude and repremanding, You could need me to be a dick to you.

See this is my own drama and baggage now. I haven't found a place I can call home with a woman because of honesty. I am constantly trying to give away my true self in full to people as fast as I can. This process was always meant to be slow. Information overload never ends well. Everything rushed is rushed to its end and that in itself helps me hesitate not only to send this letter but not to rush anything that might possibly help me get to you. Life is long and my only fears are that you will addict yourself to something that destroys your beauty. I assume but cannot promise in this current understanding and acceptance of our relationship that you could not destroy it by destroying yourself. That could make you hard to love but I wouldn't really worry about it till it came to that. You will see it in my eyes.....

FATE. Fate is me letting you go for a week and saying things to others in my intimate way that I do and you somehow seeing them [stalker lol] and reading into them as if they had anything to do with you. Kels may do this to, I have yet to write more than a few sentances about her and I don't even think they made it to a permanent location. Sure I have a vivid fantasy that can contain her, she is very attractive, but I don't really care yet. She has yielded practically nothing at my requests and now she is silent I assume thanks to you, fuck you very much that was pretty fucking lame for me. I wish I had never friended her. She is beautiful and from your area, from Seattle. A place I know many people, but not many beautiful females. I am on the other hand very happy to know now that she is your friend so I don't get occupied with her and try to see her in person. I wouldn't step on your toes like that, first think I think when you say you are lez for her tho is 3some. Immediate visual awesomeness for a sec then gone.

I'm almost done. I have been warned to avoid you and this thing called BPD. He's a good friend who keeps his mouth shut about my life and his own life. I try to pry and he's like a fucking social vice. Hate that shit. Anyhow he warns you are a ruin, honestly just makes me more stubborn to prove that you are a worthy woman. If you have dysfunctional relationships, or boring medicated relationships that drive you silently mad, I will always assume your place is with me. It's gonna be hard for you to convince me that your life is better without me because in every physical interaction I have seen the light of your eyes, tho last time you were gunshy it was understandable. You seem at this time highly intimidated with the prospects of getting deep with me in any way.

Fuck it man. I got your back and you can be pissed about it all you want. DONT YOU DARE forget me. Ignore me all you want, hide from me, dodge me, throw things at me, shout obscenities, but know that you in rare moments have said foolishly binding things to me, and that is what I live for. If all this pain and confusion yields that every once in awhile, I would take that over all the lazy boring women with half brains full of sod that would lick my boots and keep a clean house for me.

You can be such a jerk sometimes. I don't know why I put up with your online bullshit. You are so sweet on the phone. In person I could not deny you. Any request you would make of me I doubt I could deny. I do my best.

Anyhow, better irritatING than irritated. You have angered me this time for sure. It was quite awhile coming and I am mostly just fuming because FOR REAL I was done worrying about you, you were in the clear for years I assume LOL and now that is probably totally possible as long as you don't ruin it by giving me some long rude ass reply or something sweet or anything.

A few things that we have in common are very funny in a wide sense... We never fail to reply to eachother. I can't forget you bein like 'dont talk to me' and me being like 'ok ill leave you alone' and you bein like 'well its cause blahblahblah' or 'don't be so pissy' or don't be a party pooper. It is very cute and an admirable trait in my eyes. relentlessly encourage able to a fault.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

nah its all good. HOLY FUCK I just got called a stalker. then I look at my life, and all the people I know and the way that I talk to them and its probably true. I think I tend to be overly attentive and agressive about communication. I suppose each person draws this line in a different way... but really the bitch is sure i am obsessed with her an im like 'no really i am this curious about everyone and i interact with you less than anyone else I know, so basically i am more of a stalker to everyone else in my life...' but she's got BorderlinePersonalityDisorder and my buddy Toby was telling me to keep the fuck away from her because she would fuck up my world. I am starting to believe he is right.. The bitch is chaotic. She's like HEY DELETE MY FRIENDS FROM YOUR FACEBOOK and im like uh... we don't even talk about you i didn't even know they were your friends... LOL shit is wack... sorry for dumping this on you

Lol ok wait, now I guess there is a good example of that here on blogger. Zomb you reply to many of my posts so I check your page every time that you send me a reply. Since I never post any music to my main blog I get few replies if ever. The only blogs I really care about are the trance ones, I can't stand falling and electric addict and that other guy I can't recall. I'm sure if he reads this he will roll his eyes. I was watching one other guy, the LoL guy pretty intently then I stopped playing LoL.

I love electro and I love that you read my shit Zomb, I haven't found much on electric addict but i did look. I used all the internet powers and found he has some other pages but its all free info and he did put it all up there and I haven't really used it at all I don't think. Might have tried to email him once. Lowest end of stalker spectrum. That doesn't say anything about the multitude of people that I have known and the amount of time I happen to spend just staring at this screen roaming and running into memories of past relationships and then getting into whatever internet zone they are a part of and picking it apart.

I'm not sure when it becomes creepy. I think most the people I know really like it. I am afteral not a rapist or serial killer. I don't sing horrible or try to drag these people out to anything they don't want to do or anything at all. I am a pretty self defined hermit.

Makes me mad tho. That woman drives me crazy and inspires me to write and not just about love but pain hate relaxation tension nature music etc... Goes on and on like a rollercoaster. I got a one track mind and that track is vast and fast.. Very little else in my life is vast or fast cept my mind lol.. once you get a snowball rolling it gets unstoppable. I mean yah i could shut the fuck up but WHY... so silly.. Anyhow off to read Dance with Dragons because its 1000 pages long and I'm close to 400.. 100 pages a day :)

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

ever since you first mentioned it wouldn't work and went back to Ron. In case you forgot, muse, you are my second love. I'll never take another heart. I'll never lie through my teeth to get laid with something less than a hunger and passion as I found when I first saw your reaction to me, when I first smelled you and saw your eyes and the way your movements changed when I was present. It is enough and it is ended. What common ground can we share in this way? None.


so tell me friend of my friend, where do you dream to be in 5 years. If you have no answer I challenge you to not put this question down. I plead with you even, please do yourself and myself this one favor and really dig deep. If you could do anything, if you had 10,000,000 dollars and 10 years to live, what would you do? Five things. Better yet make those five things a progression. From your small and mundane dreams to the very tip of what you believe and hope is possible under the right circumstances..

Thank you for reading. Thank you for your attention. Thank you for your reply. It means more to me than I can write and send. I would speak the words but still, even in person I could fall short. My poetry of unspoken thought may at some point become known to you. It is my hope to join with you in a more spiritual way, the etheric connection I have with Jade is deep and demanding. It has laws and I do abide them, as I set them myself to protect us both from folley. I am no magician no trixter. I follow no creed nor have a master. I would claim names but not here and not now, not till after I know your heart.

your body, your companionship day in day out, your money your things, your eyes upon mine, your lips and mine, our bodies together? I need none of these things to transmit true knowing and love between us.

I need none of these things and crave them not. I was mistaken before when I saw you before you left for Vegas it struck me. I desire to be one with your soul. I desire to see through your eyes, and for you to also share my vision. It will not alter us both in any radical way, more perception only makes our own vision stronger, brings our own dreams closer to bear.

My heart will know your heart and we will be one, we will be equal and we will be brother and sister here in the garden. It may come in a day or a week or over the months slow but I will do all that I can with every chance I have to make this possible. Please do not fear that I have any ill intent, my dear friend Jade can tell you that I mean you no harm, as I meant her no harm. I bound myself to her, physically, mentally, spiritually, economically... So deep was her dream that I fell in love with it, not with her. So long as I played that game, she did not dream, she lay awake in a world far away from that dream and I never came out of my own slumber to drag her back down. She is awake to this world, dreamless, listless and the pain of that waking tears at her hope, makes her fight to feel again. My shame and regret have never carried such a pungent odor.

I'm reading that new Dance of Dragons. Taste my reading mind, delicious no?

Monday, July 25, 2011

more to the angel/model/whatever

haha I feel a bit bad about posting to life synth more than I post to you. I can't get to you! I live 3 hours from you and work more than any man should, when I don't work I have my child and 3 hours in a car is a long ways. Just like you this time in my life is really all about where I am right now. God knows our interaction in person is fantastic and the more of it we get through life the better off we both will be. The more time we interact here online the more odd and awkward everything becomes so I have kind of let it die down. What is there to say? I have some great new music I have been listening to I could share with you, but it is mostly rock I don't think you would like. I could be wrong. I am finally clear of the biggest social rut I have ever experienced. I am not desperate for sex or a woman anymore as I have been since I was with Jade. It's nice. Work emotionally hurts me, financially it is fantastic. No one has heart for my family corp like I have at this time, they are brutally withholding raises bonuses and paid vacations. they have been for far too long. I got that new Game of Thrones book and I am devouring that. My social life is OK and totally platonic, my addictions all medium and not overwhelming.. My family loves to see me and I love to see them. My tickets are soon to be gone, all 3 of my cars are insured and legal, new car doesn't get the gas miles the salesman reported but amazingly matches the internet stats almost exactly IMAGINE THAT. Makes me mad, think he made like 2 grand or more off a single check my grandmother gave him. Baller of her to just be like, "get that one, I'll pay right now." Living examples of how I want to be at that age. I got to eliminate my tum and grow some pecks, for myself.. Kills me to think I want a bigger chest =) My cat suffers. I just don't give him enough attention, the dogs here fuck his whole macho cat thing up. It is gonna drive me out of this place and probably right into downtown Chehalis. Anything to further eliminate my bills and expenses. In a year or less Olympia and electronic music festivals of all kinds if I have the money! College students should be vibrant and invigorating, then the jolt into Bremerton will tear some tears out of my poor overstimulated eyes and I will fall into feeling as much compassion as I can for those poor ol folks with holes in the topmost portion of their long term investments. Hopefully I do well and have the power to travel. At that point the sky is the limit. Chile, Australia, New Zeland, Alaska, Russia, Europe.. Hopefully a new location each year if I can manage it. Try to get out and expand my wisdom experience and culture so I feel a bit closer to the planet. Putting it all in perspective, having clear goals that I believe will be a wholesome educational and thrilling adventure for my daughter should help me be more driven. Without her I might still be hopelessly lost and starving for romance, yet I am sure a woman will show up now that I 'don't need one' and set me into some sort of downward spiral, diving kamakazi into her reality, scaring her away and being pissed again. LET US HOPE NOT. TMI. I'm sure it is and if you didn't enjoy this sorry. I am a longtyping fuck

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Oh me

My phone sucks and it is kind of late for me to talk to anyone verbally. I was thinking of moving into town, I work at Chehalis Sheet Metal and currently reside with a good friend I went to highschool with out in Adna. Anyhow I have a cat and he's got a girlfriend now and they purchased DOGS, and she has 2 kids and really they are wild boys. I have a little girl who was using the extra room, which now has bunks for the boys. They aren't here all the time and if I am patient I probably get the house she purchased to rent but its over 700 dollars and I don't really enjoy the idea of paying more than I already am.

My baby girl is super well behaved. She stays with her mother during the week and I go down to Oregon and get her every weekend that I possibly can. I am chained to my job and some substantial bills from my relationship with the baby's mother. We get along fantastic, the state has no paperwork between us and the future looks similarly peaceful. I want to move into town to cut down on my daily driving. You like to cook? I like to eat read watch movies, work out [I walk in the mornings as I wake and would like to get back into yoga... but I do roof full time] play cards and listen to music very loudly, I have headphones which I use to keep my loudness inside my head <3 Sadly I have no interest in crochet.

If we share pantry items I am a man who ignores what he eats and buys, reminding me works fantastic! I love to repay and I enjoy criticism. Scary I know, I aim to please myself, I aim to please others if they let me know :)

I do not party. I do not have guests over often if ever. I am not in an active dating mode, I am a picky man who keeps to himself, polite and civil to talk with when approached. I tend to hide in my room. I have been leaving on the weekends, my poor cat must hate it here, I am never attentive to him with all the chaos entering my home.

August is a bit early for me to be moving. I am not on a lease and I am starting to look for a place to go. Tell me about parking and fridge space. I live off of frozen fruit smoothies, cheese on tortillas and oatmeal.
Also highly prone to taking oatmeal bowls and utensils to work in the morning. You may have to question me about the lack of spoons in your kitchen. Sometimes I make eggs and leave the pan, after all, I am just going to return and make more eggs....

Boy am I rambling. I wake up at about 4am and walk. Then I usually work all day, unless it is pouring when I wake up, then I have the day off and I tend to clean myself and my space, then waste as much time as I can staring at this computer screen without eating or moving. The job is hard. It is great to do nothing. I could be social. I could help entertain/educate/explore life with you and your kid. I have a nice car and am always looking for new ways to be a good father to my own child. I have been overly self centered in the past, when I was around siblings or other children. Now that I have my own I do my best to maintain her but of course feel I fall short, I want to be better for her future =)

I'm gonna shut up now

Friday, July 22, 2011

Stalker Phase..

I think I am almost done being a stalker towards every prospective woman I meet. 3 cheers for me

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

my high horse

I gave a shit big time for you. I don't know why. You have blundered like this more than enough times to fill all the toilets in my county with bullshit.

Lets take a moment to explain first to my beloved readers HI fucking drama with baby mamma. IMAGINE THAT. So this guy who was with her before I was starts sleeping with her at parties I'm not into while she is still in my house but we are very certainly broken up. I still get mine, but when I realize what is happening I flip out more in my head than anything and force her out of my house by the end of the week

So she's going to vegas for her birthday. Cool. I'll take the child, I'll take her and her ugly friends to the airport, I'm already there, its on the way back to my house. np.. Also, I am not hateful, one is attractive, but the other 2? bleh. WHAT A SHAME Anyhow I get there an hour early, specifically I avoid said exboyfriend of hers like the plague, we BOTH FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE around eachother tho we are polite. So he comes in before she gets there, says hi, nice hair. I'm like othx bro bro how you. he's like fine, gonna shower. I DO double take thinking about it, but say. Sure go for it. Not my house fuck if I care. So I go out and start to rummage in my car and doodle. Odd to be alone in the house with this guy nude even if he is upstairs in the shower. She comes and rushes past me... which was easy since I was still doodling. Friend says "Don't be mad she needs to shower before we go" NICE. Get into the shower with that ex while I'm here taking you out of town soon? Cool, didn't even know he'd be here or I wouldn't be. I say nothing to anyone. I clean out the Jeep I share payments on with her, yet never drive since I live 90 miles north. It's filthy and keeps me out of the awkward house situation. My daughter is now present YAY I distract myself with baby. Shower ends but the pair stay upstairs. The other two 'ladies' depart for some 'quick' chore. I lay on the couch and hold my twisting stomach. The pair stay upstairs, baby mentiones to me that they are upstairs and im like 'YUP' and baby is like, ill go get mommy. I'm like 'go for it' so she goes up there, and she's like 'dad is downstairs' an im thinkin baby knows its awkward too.. I go upstairs but into baby's room to collect her things so we can go. I go downstairs. Still no ladies back from the mission. We are now 10 minutes from the time they are supposed to be entering the airport, thus me heading back north home, on a deadline. I woke at 4 am, worked ROOFING all day till 3 then drove strait south for 1:30 mins to wait while my ex and her ex took a shower when we were supposed to be commuting to the airport. BEST DAY EVER. But really. I am ok, I should have KNOWN better, everything points to me keeping away from this woman, I just hate feeling like THAT GUY who was with a woman five years but was totally with a person so opposed to the way they think that they seriously get into horribly bad situations and then blonde up like "Oh oops"

When I go into the baby mommas room, the ex is on the bed face down. He's prone, open to attack, a male sign of submission alot like the one I was giving downstairs on the couch. We would rather act like zombies than interact for her pleasure, I am very sick to my stomach. I muster a smile and say "i didn't know he would be here, can he take you to the airport, cause we are pretty late and I have to drive 2 hrs to my parents before I can go home and shower and go to sleep and wake up at 4am again.

The man, looks at me, says "I can do it but the stuff will be really cramped" Thank god he isn't an emotionally sadistic fuck like she is. When I caught them together I called him instantly. He says into her phone "whats up buttercup" and i laugh. He says "oh shit man, hey I am really sorry" and im like "just don't fuck her here ok?" and he's like yah im really sorry and im like done talking to him on the phone. We see eachother a few times, its awkward, we shake hands whatever. She bangs him and not me, then bangs me and not him. Now she's banging him and not me. I hope I don't get desperate and do it again.

All this rage and I snap, I think "man life is just a story and this is just my story and it isn't that bad" I get my daughter and get the fuck out of that dramatic awkward shit. I rush home hoping to share all this shit with you and feel purified

Maybe. Thx


I look back and did some dumb shit involvin your sis. Really do feel enchanted by her. Not dumb puppy love like you may imagine. I tell you cause I am more than sure she's aware. Tellin you cause you are a jerk for tellin her anythin other than I was a great guy. Jerk. I'm sure it was with your highest level of love and whatever, can't blame you. Just really makes me sad that you could possibly believe I don't measure up. Keeps me away, after I fucked with two perfectly dysfunctional relationships in our circle. Mentally retarded of me in every viewpoint I can take. Might be done lashing out about it. Maybe I'll visit. Probably not, Everytime I see Jessie I get a tight knot of shame in my chest. Rightly so.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

My own fault putting myself in this place surrounded by fattys and uglies with no real interests or imagination. Eccentric behavior just doesn't go over well at all.

No response makes me pretty comfortable. I dread a response in all honesty. Silly of me I suppose. The longer I am alone, the longer I go without a clsoe female contact to remind me of how fantastic I am I fall into this hole of self hate and shame. I wonder about how to make it better and become desperate for anything that used to love me.

It is foolish. The move to Oly is postponed but I can still go up there and party or whatever. Chance meeting a woman with some culture or hippie ideals that might jive. Problem with the house is the 3 single men there that will be first in line. I can outsmart and charm them all BUT that would be rude and agressive of me. They already hesitate to let me move in and I can't blame them. I am practically an incubus. When I am there they are attracted, interested and full of desire to please me, then I am gone and they look back at the experience with suspicion. Too good to be true. I know I look it, I know I act so kind and its just too much to take in. Can't be possible. I want something, I am buttering them up. And in ways I am.

I want what they have. They have access to a multitude of attractions I am without here. They have college connections, DMT connections, all other drug connections. They frequent raves and festivals. They surround themselves with people eager to be charmed.

I am getting so hungry. I feel like a vampire, I feel starved and hateful. I can feel myself lashing out at my crew because I JUST NEED TO FUCK SOMETHING and it's ok, its just not very nice of me. It isn't typical of me to be single anymore in my mind. It isn't like me to go without sex and without love in my life. I need it, I love to tell a woman that she is an angel. I love to tell her she is smart and beautiful. I love to respect and understand her problems and listen. Seems like somewhere there is a line of single women waiting for a man like me to drop into her life.

I'm not really in the mood to seek her out. I will patiently wait here alone till fate drops a good woman into my own life and focus on myself till then. Who knows how long it will be? Probably just till I don't want it anymore, probably right when I think that I no longer need a woman in my life and that everything will be fine and dandy. When I start enjoying my free time that I spend trying to collect ass. When I stop texting women who don't care what words I use they aren't coming over here cooking me dinner watching some movie and blowing me before incredible sex.

No thanks they say. And I wonder why. The fuck did I do to deserve this total lack of desire from the women around me? I feel like I should know, but I don't know at all...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


How could you even for a minute believe that this wasn't possible? Do you not remember when I turned my focus on you? How quickly you fell, and you think this woman that has been so close to you, watched you suffer and drown in extacy with me would be afflicted with a disgust for me?

There is an edge I haven't taken, I haven't even given you a moment of my agression and may never. There comes a moment when everything becomes possible and this thing will soon be possible. If I rushed it then I did but this moment was coming and there is no denial of that fact. IT IS VALID.

You are beautiful, since I have met you, I have watched you with these half creatures, that adored you and fawn over you and that is definitely not what I am. I am not here to be saved or to learn from you, you are not my priestess you are not my goddess and I would not dream to think myself your emperor or your fool.

I want no relationship with you, I don't want to be there for you when you are in need of money or entertainment. I am here to sate you. I am here to give you that thing which no one could possibly give like I give and you have heard how it is. You know details that need not be known to anyone. How could you possibly not wonder? Not want this thing so far detatched from your reality?

I offer moments on call. I offer to come there and appear beautiful and positive, full of energy and ambition to take you and sate every inch of you. Then as your will allows push me away. It is always the same with a man who does not wish to be had. You will want me, you will wonder what if to yourself and suddenly crave those things that you have been avoiding as you have with all these other animals and the betrayal. the mysterious lust of sin will overcome every inch of you again and again till the paradox is too tightly wound in your psych to ignore. At that time you will sever the connection, knowing that I am relentless, I am persistent and I am unending in my desire.

From a distance I easily come and go without notice. This is therapy. I will talk with you about you. I will listen I will give unbiased advice from an outside perspective that is unlike that of the rest of your world.

I can be that if there is no lust in you, I can be both, I can as easily be many things, as many things as you can request and try.

Ah, and maybe it is all impossible but to not look? To turn away because of promises made years ago under a different light and far different expectations? I say run afoul, take the leap and if it falls flat on its face I will know instantly. Swallow my pride and leave immediately without feeling some kind of remorse or discomfort for defeat. I lose all the time. The victories are always sweet.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Jewish single roomate under 25 with no children

I hear that room is still open. I dunno how you feel about me moving in, reservations about my child bein about and such. You are a nice guy and I am not desperate to move at this point, but I would love to come to a possible compermise. If not visiting is fine and I will find somewhere else to stay near there. Either way I'll be around with my child most weekends that I can, BUT I think if I moved in I'll have my sister or my cousin or my grandparents babysit on the weekends so that we can all rage and catch shows. I know Allie was kinna sad Nate couldn't go. Price of being a parent is sacrificing so much fun and wildness for someone who doesn't listen very often and breaks all your stuff :)

So maybe in the next 5-6 months I'll be moving close by. Again, you are a cool guy, Nick is awesome, haven't seen much of the pizza guy yet, but if there is ever anythin I can do to help out, just let me know and I will do my best

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

gone again

i guess if i can't open my big fat mouth and enjoy the result i should keep my mouth shut... or just keep losing women to hear myself talk :|

Monday, July 4, 2011

tell your girl I said "emotions run strong through your life, friends and boyfriends tend to slowly or quickly vanish but no matter how you treat your family they will always forgive you. Try to take the wisdom of everyone of us who has seriously been where you are, at your age, and really really try to remember that your life will not be the same after school ends. I hardly feel like my life started till I had my child, and I will live at least another 40 to 70 years. It seems like forever, everything is exaggerated and dramatic in school. There is so much pressure and it seems very overwhelming and certainly unnecessary! Find a way to cope, find it in music, find it in art, find it in a sport. Do your best not to sit around and mope or fixate on the parts of your day that you don't enjoy and have to do. No one enjoys life all the time, in fact most of life is painful and sad. If life was just how you wanted it all the time you would not come to appreciate those moments that are good. ITS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT JUST CHILL OUT MAN."