Thursday, July 14, 2011

My own fault putting myself in this place surrounded by fattys and uglies with no real interests or imagination. Eccentric behavior just doesn't go over well at all.

No response makes me pretty comfortable. I dread a response in all honesty. Silly of me I suppose. The longer I am alone, the longer I go without a clsoe female contact to remind me of how fantastic I am I fall into this hole of self hate and shame. I wonder about how to make it better and become desperate for anything that used to love me.

It is foolish. The move to Oly is postponed but I can still go up there and party or whatever. Chance meeting a woman with some culture or hippie ideals that might jive. Problem with the house is the 3 single men there that will be first in line. I can outsmart and charm them all BUT that would be rude and agressive of me. They already hesitate to let me move in and I can't blame them. I am practically an incubus. When I am there they are attracted, interested and full of desire to please me, then I am gone and they look back at the experience with suspicion. Too good to be true. I know I look it, I know I act so kind and its just too much to take in. Can't be possible. I want something, I am buttering them up. And in ways I am.

I want what they have. They have access to a multitude of attractions I am without here. They have college connections, DMT connections, all other drug connections. They frequent raves and festivals. They surround themselves with people eager to be charmed.

I am getting so hungry. I feel like a vampire, I feel starved and hateful. I can feel myself lashing out at my crew because I JUST NEED TO FUCK SOMETHING and it's ok, its just not very nice of me. It isn't typical of me to be single anymore in my mind. It isn't like me to go without sex and without love in my life. I need it, I love to tell a woman that she is an angel. I love to tell her she is smart and beautiful. I love to respect and understand her problems and listen. Seems like somewhere there is a line of single women waiting for a man like me to drop into her life.

I'm not really in the mood to seek her out. I will patiently wait here alone till fate drops a good woman into my own life and focus on myself till then. Who knows how long it will be? Probably just till I don't want it anymore, probably right when I think that I no longer need a woman in my life and that everything will be fine and dandy. When I start enjoying my free time that I spend trying to collect ass. When I stop texting women who don't care what words I use they aren't coming over here cooking me dinner watching some movie and blowing me before incredible sex.

No thanks they say. And I wonder why. The fuck did I do to deserve this total lack of desire from the women around me? I feel like I should know, but I don't know at all...

1 comment:

  1. sucks being surrounded with uglies and fatties. lol.