Friday, July 29, 2011


I don't know what you expected to happen. Honestly I have spent less time on you in the last week than I have since we met, then you come to me beating down my phone with all this nonsense about being a stalker and how I bring you to such epic ups and downs or whatever. You tell me your greatest secrets [i assume] then beg for me to leave you alone. This is the second time you have run me over with words swearing that I am doing some horrible thing to your psyche. I just can't believe it. You talk of a possible future and fate and how you want it but you hope it doesn't happen because when you see me your world does something that you don't like or that you are uncomfortable with or that doesn't happen any other time in your life. I was finished with you Stephanie, why did you have to do this to me? I was talking to your girlfriend and said nothing of you to her at any time. Of course the moment you told me to stop talking to them I started to say it to her then I caught myself and knew that you wouldn't like it. You run me pretty hard in my opinion. I blocked your wall along with 90% of the walls on facebook. That shit gets so old I don't use it that way. It is a place I can correspond not a place I can catch up on gossip. I haven't written things to you or talked about you with anyone for quite awhile, not since I mentioned your statement about family and true friends. That shit hurt me deeper than I would like.

You affect me. That fact is undeniable but this tearing back and forth you seem to experience I cannot account for properly on my side of the chit chat we have had. You were getting fussy about many things and so I backed way off. I got off Life Synth and went onto finding other ways to interact with people. Kels and I have said very little to each other. She is stand offish which I understand, but she enjoys my attention and I give it to her in small doses. I don't want to be with her, or you or any woman. I am fine and I don't go out of my way to look, hardly even think about all the different women in my life that I could possibly be with at any time. Till now.

I can't get you off my mind. I hope this helps because it makes me mad. Not that it will last and I cannot forgive you. I just suddenly have so many statements and retorts to throw at you. I have never in my life met a person that creates so much expression in me and I can't help but let it out. Apparently in this love hate relationship you don't want anymore attention from me. Impossible to do when you send me 45 texts.

There is no perfect time that is coming. This is some kind of version of 'What dreams may come.' You are insane and I am a sweet guy who will do anything for you, I am over the stars in love with you and I want to support you and help you see that you are valid even with your faults. I see you date these fucking monsters in your past, these foolish men with all these evil or destructive habits and I see you trying to compensate for the evil within you. We all have a beast inside and to imagine that I am some sort of pure sweetling would be a waste of your imagination. I have my own monsters yet they do not get any release upon you. I know many tricks, manipulative underhanded shit that I could pull. I see the opportunities but fail to act.

AGAIN I tell you that your fucking flaws and wild nature to which you claim is terrible does not scare me, does not make me think you are insane or sick in the head or fucked up. You are a woman born into the city and growing through some of the most incredibly extreme experiences I have heard tell of. You broke me in the week you were here. You grabbed the moment as I have so many times before and you danced with me to the point of no return. I cut you deep revealing your action to your sister. That was instinctual. I would not fail to affirm that I was pleased with you and my instant desire to keep you. You said the words, you walked a fine line and told me the bad things you do and the good. You give me some speech about how I seem to ignore the bad and just focus on the good. That I was making you out to be some rare flawless gem. We both know that not to be the case. You have issues, baggage of a nature that is very perilous. It takes an incredible amount of swift thinking to stay on top of you and keep you from going ten directions.

Now you are claiming multipersonalities? I tell you that everyone is different with everyone else. If you stay for long periods alone with one person they will see what they want to see in you and you will oblige, doing the same to them. Everyone has multiple sides. To say it is a problem is saying to me that you cannot control which of these faces shall emerge at any time. I know the cold distant go away you very well now that I am away and pecking at you. I know you're irritation. I can see your pissy face and it is of course as adorable as all the others. I try my best to respect it and not peck but you are so passive and seem to in no way try at all to give me time with you in person. SURE you called, which of course after long days with cold heartless Stephanie, I am shocked and confused. FEARFUL even that what you have to say is some mad rage reaction to something I had said online.

It is funny that you got off facebook because you have practically chased me off of it. Now I put a positive light on every single fucking bit of your dismissals and demands. I can accomplish them all and be proud that you wont say 'how many times do i have to tell you'
Well fuck man, you are a complex woman, crazy and at moments very victimized. I tried for a week to get you into the hospital when you were sick and you refused to go. That is laughable what the fuck was I thinking? If you don't wanna go don't go. I could force you. I could learn to force you to do a great many things if that is what it takes but I am not so fast to assume control over you in any way without good firm reinforcement.

This is incredible. Not even the tip of the iceberg, and I was so done writing to you lol.

You need to try and start a company. You need to be the boss and you need to run the shit because of the chaotic way that your mind and body work. It would be easy for you to do because most of it does not involve you being consistent in many ways. FOUR HOUR WORK WEEK its by this guy named tim ferriss. I swear to fucking god it will help you get strait. You are very unique and the pressure on you seems to go extreme sometimes.

Fuck I can't even send this today. I wont send it for weeks if I can stave off my fucking impatience. I suddenly have that shit all rush back to me and I am so mad when you say you love me and all this fate shit. Yah I'm coming for you when I get my shit strait. Not waiting I'll find you and take you as best I can to love protect and support in whatever way I can. You seem so worried about this private life you want to leave, how you don't want to be seen as a fake or a liar or a criminal. You don't want to lose trust with those around you and I fucking swear to god you are insinuating that in some way I would compromise your relationships with these two that hardly know me that I would never speak to about you for any reason because it is a fucking sin against you told to me at least 20 times. I don't call you in the mornings because you are always fucking sleeping and I hardly have the desire to talk at night because I work all day. I don't email you EVER and I try to only reply to you on facebook [ah, there's something I wont worry about] Same with phone texts I do my best to just not be worried about when the fuck I talk to you because if I do I want to talk to you every fucking day. I want to see you and constantly think about seeing you and how I should save and go do it, get up there and spend the day with you. Then I bring it up and you are like 'i dunno maybe, ill find time for you' and I'm thinking FUCK its not time and I should just let her be. Her life has been a fucked up mess for so long I think I should let her have some peace

Then there is the other side of me that says 'nononononono' you are the fucking cure to all my needs and desire. I need so very little attention and words and you have already said so many of them I only need affirmation every once in awhile. I cure you. As far as I am concerned when I am with you, you are more healthy and radiant than you are when you are around anyone else. You hide your problems and put on a good show, that is what I must assume. And that is fine but you would be mistaken to assume at this stage that who you really are, past the person you have shown me is invalid or impure in my eyes. You are human and you are not perfect. You are beautiful but capable of ugly actions and makin ugly faces if you are urged to do so. You are very smart but at the same time may be addicted to foolish behavior.

When you say you have to let me go I imagine this is your own bullshit in your own head. You let me go when you left Lewis County. You let me go when we sat in my car at your parents door and you refused that I spend my money to have you in a hotel near the top floor with access to a pool jacuzzi room service, plus me myself and I fully at your service for a full body rub, tons of pussy eating no matter the condition of your pussy and a ripe long hard fucking of your life from a grateful and beautiful mate. You skipped that fucking photoshoot, which means you either blatantly lied to me or really were sure you would have gone. I tend to think you lied, made excuses to get away from that moment when I would have you all to myself away from anyone else and drive you to a point past insanity where you felt clarity and once again believed that you and I should be together. When you would look into my eyes and say things that you would later regret because when I am gone you are no longer the same sweet loving female eternally commited to me in every way.

I don't give a flying fuck what you do while I am not around. I am trying to make that plain as fucking day I don't care I don't think about it I don't worry about it. I have gone out of my way to block it on facebook. I don't see what you write other people on thier walls I don't see your posts I don't see when you put up a new picture. Fucking nothing. I do my best to keep my distance from you in every way possible and then BAM you rage at me for stalking you.

I don't care if you lie or manipulate me, I have no fear of you compermising me for your own selfish wants or needs. You could be so much worse. You could lead me up there for outings and smile in my face, maybe touching me a little like you did when I was there, then giving me a denial every evening. You must know that I would come if you requested it. I would say I was sick with the flu and leave to see you right fucking now if you asked. I want nothing more. But if you are going to be stand offish and not try to lure me to you then fuck it I wont come. I'll stay here, entertain myself in other ways. I don't get bored waiting for you, I simply do something else. I can't count on you to plan anything to do with me. You say I am one of your elite 3 but THINK ABOUT THE SUBJECT MATTER BETWEEN US, it is shit. We don't talk about physics, mystical occurrences, synchronicity in our daily life, the irony that comes into play that makes us laugh. We don't talk about much at all except you're work is not what you expected and being difficult to manage, that you volunteer at some bitchin medical weed establishment, you has suspended license and live at home. Shit is boring. I want to know about new music you have run into. I have found some really chill ass dubstep called blackmill i think [looks...]. Hmm yah blackmill. Just got bassnectar's new album but haven't gotten around to it. I got hail the villain, hollywood undeads new album is super corney, I love the music but the rap is SO BAD that me and my friends were laughin at it. This fenech soler... don't think i like it. Ronald Jenkees is very cool but gets redundant. I really appreciate his work. Sixx AM's new album is incomplete. Not too impressed. Enter Shikari... Can't get that shit downloaded anywhere. The Glitch Mob is also very bomb ass dubstep... Hmmm what else here... All skrillex's work, his ST stuff new and old... LOL and I love selena Gomez - Who says, gotta be cause I have a daughter. I sing it so loud!

Many spiritual people are flowing into my present life that I have met from my past and I am very excited to remember who they were to me, and what we were together it is very inspiring, makes me feel so much lighter!! I don't know what to fucking do about you. I always want you, I always will but I will not fucking bother you with this shit relentlessly. I'll do my best to fucking ignore you exist for awhile and MAYBE you will bother me when you are readdy but im not gonna hold my fucking breath. You are too prudent, you know I bring on extreme changes to you and your life and that no matter what happens its gonna hurt, pain or pleasure I am gonna push it past where you want it or expect it to be. Then I'm gonna say sorry and that I did it out of love and you are gonna reel and be like FFS pat you ruined days of my life with these aftershocks... And I'll feel a bit bad but excited that I have such a heavy effect upon you. You also cause me to feel and express more intensely than any individual in my life.

I WANT to be that person who knows you totally. You rage against it, you resist it and I am pleased to back away but I don't fucking want to. I mean you no harm and I am here to help you, I want to heal you and make you whole. I want to show you whatever the fuck you are hiding you don't have to hide from me because there is no fucking thing that you could do that I could write you off for if it doesn't make me hurt. If it doesn't ruin my life by knowing then...... Well it could. You could be poisoning yourself. You could be masochistic. You could need me to be nasty to you. Rude and repremanding, You could need me to be a dick to you.

See this is my own drama and baggage now. I haven't found a place I can call home with a woman because of honesty. I am constantly trying to give away my true self in full to people as fast as I can. This process was always meant to be slow. Information overload never ends well. Everything rushed is rushed to its end and that in itself helps me hesitate not only to send this letter but not to rush anything that might possibly help me get to you. Life is long and my only fears are that you will addict yourself to something that destroys your beauty. I assume but cannot promise in this current understanding and acceptance of our relationship that you could not destroy it by destroying yourself. That could make you hard to love but I wouldn't really worry about it till it came to that. You will see it in my eyes.....

FATE. Fate is me letting you go for a week and saying things to others in my intimate way that I do and you somehow seeing them [stalker lol] and reading into them as if they had anything to do with you. Kels may do this to, I have yet to write more than a few sentances about her and I don't even think they made it to a permanent location. Sure I have a vivid fantasy that can contain her, she is very attractive, but I don't really care yet. She has yielded practically nothing at my requests and now she is silent I assume thanks to you, fuck you very much that was pretty fucking lame for me. I wish I had never friended her. She is beautiful and from your area, from Seattle. A place I know many people, but not many beautiful females. I am on the other hand very happy to know now that she is your friend so I don't get occupied with her and try to see her in person. I wouldn't step on your toes like that, first think I think when you say you are lez for her tho is 3some. Immediate visual awesomeness for a sec then gone.

I'm almost done. I have been warned to avoid you and this thing called BPD. He's a good friend who keeps his mouth shut about my life and his own life. I try to pry and he's like a fucking social vice. Hate that shit. Anyhow he warns you are a ruin, honestly just makes me more stubborn to prove that you are a worthy woman. If you have dysfunctional relationships, or boring medicated relationships that drive you silently mad, I will always assume your place is with me. It's gonna be hard for you to convince me that your life is better without me because in every physical interaction I have seen the light of your eyes, tho last time you were gunshy it was understandable. You seem at this time highly intimidated with the prospects of getting deep with me in any way.

Fuck it man. I got your back and you can be pissed about it all you want. DONT YOU DARE forget me. Ignore me all you want, hide from me, dodge me, throw things at me, shout obscenities, but know that you in rare moments have said foolishly binding things to me, and that is what I live for. If all this pain and confusion yields that every once in awhile, I would take that over all the lazy boring women with half brains full of sod that would lick my boots and keep a clean house for me.

You can be such a jerk sometimes. I don't know why I put up with your online bullshit. You are so sweet on the phone. In person I could not deny you. Any request you would make of me I doubt I could deny. I do my best.

Anyhow, better irritatING than irritated. You have angered me this time for sure. It was quite awhile coming and I am mostly just fuming because FOR REAL I was done worrying about you, you were in the clear for years I assume LOL and now that is probably totally possible as long as you don't ruin it by giving me some long rude ass reply or something sweet or anything.

A few things that we have in common are very funny in a wide sense... We never fail to reply to eachother. I can't forget you bein like 'dont talk to me' and me being like 'ok ill leave you alone' and you bein like 'well its cause blahblahblah' or 'don't be so pissy' or don't be a party pooper. It is very cute and an admirable trait in my eyes. relentlessly encourage able to a fault.


  1. Holy shit. You clearly feel very strong about this. Dude, girls are girls. Let em be. And don't think hard about it, because one hundred percent of the time, we make it out to be more than it always is. Good luck :/

  2. As he said, girls are girls, you cannot expect of them what you expect from you, you take it or you drop it.

    Just discovered your blog but I'm loving it, you have a new follower sir!

  3. that's a huge wall of text :X

    hopefully you feel a little better though. One thing I've come to realize in life is all you can control is yourself and if I try to stop controlling others, life is a lot easier for myself.

    Just a thought