Thursday, March 31, 2011

If ever I was more dissatisfied with my own performance I cannot recall it to be more irritating than my present state. You show up drunk and complain about how you haven't been laid and how your friend you drove here is getting laid and how mad you are.

I remove your shoes and rub your feet. I figured maybe that was enough of a hint, and after that I think to myself, maybe the hint is coming back my way, maybe I'll just not even put any effort towards this girl and go to bed.

BUT I DONT. I get tron out and put it in. I sit on the couch with you and continue my massage, which goes nowhere. I get a blanket, bam, you go to sleep. So I go to my room and lay down

Wide awake. Super awake, why? Because you came in drunk as shit at 3am that's why. I got 5 hours of sleep and I am ready to start my day. Ready to give you that lay you were complaining about. So I get back up when I hear you cough and give you water, vitamin C, and tell you flat out

You don't have to sleep on the couch

And you reply

That's ok, the couch is fine


I haven't been turned down in awhile, but looking back I didn't put alot of effort forward.
Next tiem maby

Sunday, March 27, 2011

You know its funny because I assume Jill will read this before you do, I'm sure she'll pass it on to you in some form. You know that I love you, I feel this abyss has openned up between us, this akward space after my removal from Longview. I can't look back at that time and feel justified, I can't look back and think that you made a poor choice, or that darrel made a poor choice no matter what those of you who did come together and agree feel now.

I was falling apart. I continue to do so, I go relationship to relationship, house to house, car to car. I have no savings and I have no security. Family functions are nice, I feel loved.. But looking back all my foolish desires with that van come down to that distinct difference between us. So close in age so different in demeanor. I feel like an outcast, I must draw myself that way, perpetuate it with every thought and breath. I haven't been foreman of more than 30 jobs in my eight strong years of roofing. thats 1%. Am I never cut out for that? I don't even know how my sales percentage came out. I never saw those numbers. What can I assume but that they were poor? If I was doing well I would have heard about it.

I take all of this too serious. I asked for your advice and you replied to me that common sense was lacking. Those were not your words, but that is what I heard you say.

As if it was obvious to you how I should behave, but not obvious why I acted in some invalid manner.

I have brushed aside so much in my life that pushes me to be that person that I need to be. Something within me grabs me by the head and pushes me, baring down upon my will to fight against that humble voice that whispers to me the key of sucess. It is there, by now I must know what to do in almost every situation. It has been so long for me here, and I just wonder how it all fits. The bigger picture.

What is really stopping me? Am I addicted to destroying my good fortune and lucky breaks? Am I addicted to surrounding myself with foolish people and failing situations?

I must break the cycle. I love you, and the abyss between us must close. This rift I cannot bear to see between us every time our eyes meet.

If you feel any negativity over what has come between us I am very sorry, but I do not fault you, I place the blame upon my own inability to properly percieve the actions that place us in the greatest light and the strongest position. For us all, because we are in this together

Saturday, March 26, 2011

this celibacy thing wasn't an issue between us. I mean yah you got that other boy there and those girls but I'm up here and I'm once every couple weekends or whatnot. It's not something I have to have, but something I miss and being that it is alot more for us I like to feel that connected with you.

Anyhow, I hope this weekend works out, Nathan was sad we weren't going tonight, but whatever. It will be nice to do something with you that is more like a date, I am of course always down to sit and eat a meal somewheres with you, but you gotta pick that out. We could bowl too or I could come down there and stay over and we could hit a few bars/clubs to see if there is anything that we enjoy.

I had this crazy dream where we were underwater and richie was there and you and i were close for a moment but then you were in the dark with richie and i was getting eated by sharks. This whole 'I don't want you to wait for me' thing is interesting.

What I hear you saying is that I should find other girls and not worry as much about having a serious relationship with you right now. That I have gotten too serious already. I can ease back off of that, I just want to be a better friend, in my eyes being a better friend is all there is anyways, a 'relationship' is just a way to lock other boys out of your pants, so if you are locking everyone out of your pants then you are really saying everyone is my friend for real.

I'm paranoid. You are such a sucker, and a chicken as you said, for sweet things, touches, kisses, and words. You crave them, all of us are into giving them to you, and yes I really understand your issue.

There is more to life. I am crushed by the situation because of our baby. She matters more than you do, her development runs smoothly because of you. The more things you add to your life that detract from that bums me out. It's sad to me that you smoke pot and have this hole inside of you I cannot fill but I do get it, I'm gonna finish that movie right after I get done ranting here.

But yah I tried not to while you were here, kisses and hugs get out of hand because I don't want to do those things as much at first, but my love joins with your reaction and unbearable need washes over me. Instantly I want it all but I know also that if I slowly take steps forward and don't rush you, eventually I get my mouth over every inch of you. I am learning not to hurry for things I want, because hurried things can be stopped. Slow progression towards my goals always eventually go my way.

I'm never gonna believe you are better of without me. Everything you want you can have here with me and more. Going to school can be alot more simple with a support group, which is readily available here with my mother/sister/casey/george and sarah/etc.. That's where you start your adventure. Work and hobbies that require for you to get out of your bubble and meet people. The larger circle of friends you will probably make when mara goes to school, she will bring you close to all the other mothers of all the children there, they will want to hang out so you gotta go see the house, they will take trips and want us to come etc etc. couple years away, you will have so many friends its gonna be obnoxious. You will pick and choose from a large pool of peers at that point.

Don't rush this thing you need to do, of course it is easy for me to lead you any direction that makes it more reasonable for you to be with me. I come alive when I interact with you and think of you. That stupid girl that picked me up opened my eyes and I remembered how to be passionate and dive into love. When you got hurt by the severance I realized all at once what I had not been giving you, I realized that our relationship started in a rushed way in which I never came to idolize and adore you properly and in a solid manner.

Now, so quickly a thing that seemed perfect is gone, and true love never transfered away from you anyways, it was simply covered and hidden [i think the girl could see thru that, she did mention that she was in the way and that i should be with you and my daughter, something about like that lol]

So I had a moment, I learned alot and had a horrible month this month wanting things that I cannot have or should not have apparently. When I didn't want to have a girl, when I was convincing myself that I didn't want to have a relationship [to myself] that was the strongest life I ever had. It was fantastic but I am constantly wishing to be alone with one woman, not any woman, only you.

All that horse shit the first girl had, the forgiveness and the excuses that I tolerated blindly, The indestructable part of my love I have taken from her and have given to you.

It's like holding the title. You are the greatest woman in my life that I have ever met. You are the most desirable creature on this planet to me and I want nothing for you but the very best that I can provide and secure. Doesn't matter where you are or what you are doing as long as you are honest, as long as I know that I am the greatest man you know, and that more than anything I am the man you love first [lol like lord Jesus Christ right?]

Knowing that, believing that, gives me power here and now, no matter where you are I know you are mine. I know that 100% I can count on you and love and trust you.

I lost that, and it has returned. I never believed it would but it did. I can be alone alot longer. I might as well. When you say that I can move on and you missed your chance and deserve it if it happens, know that my loyalty runs too deep. My loyalty to the last girl crushed my relationship with you, with so many added things. That has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me and history and my own principles. I can't let go of things I give my heart to, not if they go away, not if they treat me poor, not if they find love somewhere else, not if I know it isn't the same as mine, not if I know in my heart that with me it would be better.

Am I crazy?

So if I find another girl, and I am with her, I'll still have to talk to you, Jess and I didn't have a child together and I had consistent contact with her until you were enraged dead set on leaving me. It was in that moment that I chose you over her, but resented you for not coming to terms with it and realizing that from that point forward you had not competition. When you are here in my house with me every day, no woman, no matter how much 'better' they could possibly be, could ever tear me away from what I know and love. You are everything to me from afar. I don't want to believe there is a man out there that can outdo me. I don't want him to exist because I exist already. I will NOT be crushed without you, I will avenge myself upon every woman I find. I will hope and dream that 'oh maybe this will be the one, the girl that I can turn away from Jade for' But I wont. Not for years, and in all that time, if your selfishness drags you back into my life, if you decide you want me back, I am still far more hooked to you than I could possibly be to any other woman.

Sure, don't wait for you, but at the same time, nothing will top you. Nothing can. I will continue to watch you change more into you, I will set here from my distance and glorify the creature you are becoming, the blooming of your soul into this new thing that I know I feel and see far clearer than any other eye.

I am on the inside.

Hey, that girl in the facebook picture looks very employable. You in person don't look to employable. I don't want to be a fucking nazi and tell you what to do but here are some suggestions you never asked me to suggest:

1.Stop smoking pot till you find work
2.One color of hair, regular hair colors work best
3.I was gonna say gain weight but thats silly.
4.Thats all I don't have anything more.

I like you for who you are and I think if you can get all your ducks in a row and look professional tip to toe for a few months a job will come your way.

I don't think you should get a job of course, I think you should be here with my baby 24/7 till she's in school. In the kitchen with a ball and chain attaching you to the stove.

I'm a man, I know thats dumb BUT ITS FUNNY. Think on it. If you hate it tell me so. TELL ME SO. I'll try to shut the fuck up and not press subjects you ask me not to press anymore. I'll move on for you because I love you and I'll try to work with you in whatever way you need to be workin it out

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

You lookin hard for a place to go? I'll do whatever I can to help you and my child. Living here is a big step and I'm not gonna push it on you, after you stated that shit about bein a chicken I choose the things I want alot more careful with you, like that song 'good enough'

"careful what you ask of me, because I can't say no to you"

This clean slate thing, still foggy. If you explain it better I would be very interested.

Some things don't go away. Like our debt. But many things do go away I suppose. Are you asking for forgiveness?

Are you saying you will forgive me for the terrible lie and sin that took you from me initially in the Iron home?

Dominance was an issue, I assume equality will have to be made a strong chain between us.

The conditions are consistently proper for you to return, but this will happen again and again. If you come back soon, before I find another shiney object you wont see how I change my stance with the new girl to support our ongoing intimate and serious friendship.

Lots of motivation to not get together I assume. I said things I believed at the time, takes time for me to catch up with my emotions
big ifs

IF you move in, being my girl is not mandatory
IF you aren't the only restriction is richie is not coming here ever


IF you do, we share a room, baby gets a room, but we don't have to share the bed. I would sleep on the floor and move the computer out. I'd store most of my stuff and let you have it be more your room than mine.

IF we do get back together I would consider saving and moving to another place

IF it's too soon for all this rubbish that is totally fine. I do not yet have my hopes and expectations pointed towards our return to togetherness.

That is on you. My choices are easy to make. I feel like I have had you put in a box with my child since we talked about one of us having her full time. I can't imagine watching the child without you, I don't get her to eat right wash right or mind. YAH I'm working on it but you do so good
you are imagining that the hole inside of you can be filled by something external. That leaving will fix something. It will give you perspective, but will not fill you. Thats what I think, because that's what happened when I left. And now I am back here in this place because this is home for me. My family is here, my support. What more do I need?

Just love and trust and all the things I can find moving around.

You have never become self sufficient. You have never been enough on your own and if you don't come to the point where nothing around you matters and everything around you is awesome because it is then you are fucked man. its all a disaster and only you can be comfortable with what is happening.

we die. this life ends. I don't want to spend it with anyone else anymore. I don't want to find new people I like the ones I have. I can't even see the people I have found.

My idea is for you to come here and be unhappy maybe for 3 years with me. I'll do everything I can, put all my passion into you till our daughter goes to school then you can go to school as well and leave me for some student because nothing is gonna satisfy you here with me but our baby will be more secure and our bills will be paid.

I love you more than I love anything else in my life because I know and trust you. I don't need anything else because you are 100% THE BEST lay and listener everywhere
what bothers me is the overbearing experience of leaving for somewhere new and being rewarded. You see for me it wasn't. Maybe I have always been a homebody.

To 'just be single' has been alright but isn't a preference. I don't enjoy it. I guess that's why I was ok with having a child. But then again I ruined your life agreeing to that child. I literally tatoo'd your face like this movie says.

You are fucked man. I love you and I'm here to help you do the right thing more than what you want. It's true that travel would be awesome and nice. You could go out into the world and enjoy many things and many friends and such, maybe see what a shit world there is out there or find a place in it but no matter what our baby is here dealing with the choices that we make together and I can't help but give that precedence over my own desires.

She needs her mother and her father. This is the crucial beginning of her life and she soaks in everything. What is happening when she hits school? suddenly the middle of the day is free, just enough time for you to run off and decide again that this life isn't enough and evaporate into some fantasy land somewhere else. Leaving me behind.


and I mean we, need to save up and travel. Basically what I hear and always will here is that I am not good enough the way I am

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I didn't make a message long enough for once. Let me start over.

Hey, I got on facebook and there was a message sayin someone responded to something of yours, I imagined it was that post about whoever that I said was obviously awesome. ANYHOW I couldn't go to it.. So I was like ok, search Steph... Nothing

And I was like WTF? Did I get blocked?
So I logout, change facebook accounts and do a search... Doesn't look like you have a facebook at all

Looks like you 'deactivated' it

I looked in my options at that, said I could turn off my facebook and I considered it, I mean what do I really do on this fb thing anyhow? share music with people? sometimes they comment other times they don't? I could be blogging..

Then I was like HOLD THE PHONE, did steph delete her fb acct? why the fuck would she do that? then all the reasons roll thru, i mean dudes can get irritating. only happens to me in a blue moon but you? TMI maybe people hassling you [like me =D] or whatever

So thats what I was asking, im not pissy or crazy.. im just curious if you deleted your facebook and why.

If you blocked me then LOL and sorry for whatever I did to spike such a sudden emotional blast! I assume its the fb msg i sent when I got home and was pissed off. My arm was fucked and I was pissy and wrote a novel. Wasteful. Another one too long..
it looks like you no longer exist on facebook tho. Like you didn't delete me as a friend you deleted the account itself?
is that a privacy feature? Space I wanted lol, just cause I moved on doesn't stop me from interacting in your life online, that's not what you wanted or I wanted. This is crazy. I was just asking about your facebook that seemed to me to have vanished and how we are gonna trade music now.

We don't HAVE to, I am over it. It has just become bland, I don't look forward to talking to you, what do I say? I wanna know what's happening in your life, how your shoots go and all that, how your car is, got a job etc.

I meant physical space. Total cut of communication might do you good. Then I can't rage a novel at you.
I don't want space really, but there's no going back. You and Ron live in that house, how can I go there? how akward right? Full severance is the only thing that will make it better, but only with time. I didn't mean to poop the party =( Seemed like such a good idea at first then went fuck all. Why am I even writing this? what a waste of effort

so thats twice in a few months ive made a good excuse to cut myself out of your house and lives. I don't mean to be dramatic, I assume I always have been... Anyhow I feel SUPER akward around ron and your little sis now so I can't be there, wont be there for awhile and FUCK I suppose I'll miss you guys till I get all over this stupid shit I dove headfirst into. What an odd month.

I'll be back again someday.. Just doesn't seem too soon
Even when I feel pain towards you I am driven to write. and with this final blow I find more insanity than I imagined. How could such a picture be painted? Such a beautiful thing driven so mad by her own lack of problem solving skill? I was sure at the beginning that I could handle this female flip floppy shit but in reality I never could. The unknown frustrates me more than anything I could possibly know for sure and hate. I don't think our interactions could get worse. I mean YAH they could be horrible but the bare minimum of interaction is being cut. Like a slow ugly thing that was rotten and stinking anyways, holding onto that corner in the fridge, being moved around, shoved back and turning green.

So what now? I'm full of hate for everything and everyone now, do I continue to die in this feeling? How can I cut out something I just formed and made a part of me? I'll pretend it loves me? Make it something else? Just not be Co-dependant about it one single bit. I assume that is the solution, foolish to give that power over

Monday, March 21, 2011

So I really just have been thinking all day about how we can be together again and how its really worth it for me. But it was always worth it for me and it is you that left so obviously this is a one sided conversation I have been having since you told me you were going to leave. Alot of things changed. Alot of things are still the same, we have problems that will not go away. You smoke pot and I don't. You need to go out on the weekends and be in the city, I don't, but I WILL GO TO THE CITY WITH YOU when I am not at work, I suggest we get out of the house immediately! Chores and whatnot can wait and we need to enjoy free time when we can. YAY spontaniety.

Baby is still years off from school. You seem trapped until then most of the time, I figure it would do you alot of good to be here where you only need to clean cook and feed your house [which is large] till then, when the baby is in school, you have much more free time for yourself

If you even need it.

The essential thing you were missing was respect. You needed to feel valid and loved in my eyes. Adored. Something I couldn't do. This time and space has shown over time that true love does exist between us, that no matter how shiney a thing can be, it cannot be trusted as you can be trusted, thus I cannot give myself to anyone but you unless you betray me.

You were lawful, chicken. And by doing so lawful a parting only showed me that I was missing so many aspects of our love, I know you were content when we were alone, I know Toby only made everything worse and we overspent to such a point that I balled up. All of that still exists. We cannot be alone, we cannot afford it, but Casey works and so do I. We all have vehicles, well mine just blew up!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

if i send your beautiful wallpaper to costco online, for 10 dollars they will send me a glossy 20x30 print in the mail.

I don't want your rage, I could have said nothing and just done it <3 but here I am asking how I can pay you directly, because I love your work and I would certainly pay you before printing it up this way.

PFFT, you might even have a higher res version of your piece that you can send so i can print it. DA prints seem overpriced. I'll go look now...

Lag, I'm on a 7mb connection.. thats 7 top.. not usual =(

yah FFS its almost 40 dollars for DA to make me a print!

So let me know how much you want for it. I'm a pirate at heart and a criminal that cannot or will not find every source of everything I may print [depending on how morally wrong I come to decide it is]

But I'm not gonna print out your work and sell it. I'm gonna hang it in my house, doubtful more than a few people ever see it physically.

Dunno how you feel about this. I think you make your living off your art atm. If I don't pay you, I wont print it out, that's a promise.

thank you

you never see this for good reason. part of the lesson is to not go overboard. to not overpress and run headlong into things. I can say you are different and you were but my actions did not show it. Nothing prudent happened and I ran just as I always do through the same motions. I said too much too fast in too many ways. In every way I can. Now all I can do is feel good that you were smart enough to explain to me exactly what I did wrong

That is what makes you different. That and of course the fact that we do continue to speak, which I can't say gives me hope for you and I but hope for me of learning more, relaxing my foolishness and maybe using you to understand far more about myself than I could ever learn with another person

The lessons go on. I also need to pay more attention to the motivations and perceptions of others. You said I almost tore you away from all of them. I need to really realize this is true and how it happened and how to avoid it in the future.

Blast the drama. I just made it worse. By not letting it go, by being stubborn and not giving time where time was needed. Once my intent is known I must let it go.. Let it go and move forward

Friday, March 18, 2011

i feel like a hydra. so many different things, I focus deep into each ignoring all other factors. Kinda cool, other times really obnoxious, and really intrusive. Oh me

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Also you said not to share your work. Asked me to tone down my talk of 'us' which went from awesome to nothing in a week.. You say we 'never' can work - absolutes to tear yourself away from the insanity we formed in mere days.

Yah it was foolish and we are both over it. I dunno why i said you could come do it your damned self but just realize I don't feel comfortable where you reside and probably will never again.

Not with Ron, not till he tells me he was mad but forgives me for jumping into something I personally feel was irresistible.

All this talk about how we can't work just sounds as foolish as us talking about being together. Sounds as foolish as you being with Ron after you said you didn't feel like he was right for you anymore to me.

Justify your conviction. I am supportive of whatever you choose to do.

Probably acted rude because the idea of fixing your images was silly in the first place, maybe i shouldn't have even offered. You are a big girl you got this =D

I'm not gonna learn anything new about you from this distance and I'm ok with it.

Thanks for the images, but just like you mentioned, it isn't what I am looking for with you. If you are going to be serious about Ron I'll see you when it doesn't work out. If it works out then I'm just the fuck who got in his way.

What a fool to believe half the things you said we had in common, what a fool I feel to think you would be so insane as to give up that place you are in to be here in this house away from everything.

I just wanted to help michi's little sister, like I would any of your household I believed could repay me in some way and not be a financial drain, not be dramatic.

If this keeps being about how I'm hurt or something, then you are missing the point. I love all of them and would do anything to help YOU because you are connected to THEM. Yes I hardly know you but I feel connected to you by association. They gave you a bunch of things and when I started to come around I felt welcome to give you access to everything available to me.

I still do, I feel that if I can help you in any way get on your feet that I should, that I would love to without any sort of obligation whatsoever on your part. Thru this whole thing the points I wanted to drive home were how good you turned out looking, that I am happy you are here in town, and overall I believe that you deserve a nice life. You appeared to be a keeper, and after you name off all your flaws you are still bomb.

I got alot of attention, when I place it on anyone I go overboard. I don't have to but I do. I am addicted to text messaging for reals and am eager to please anything that pleases me.

So I'll leave it at that.
I'm sorry for being so akward about all this, it is really alot more than I anticipated in alot of ways. I stepped into something I didn't really plan on stepping into and instantly felt terrible about it, but at the same time felt that I still needed to push forward and offer a helping hand. Making mistakes socially doesn't fix little sister's problems.

Sounds like you want to chill, but not right now and REALLY I'm uncomfortable spending time with you in person if you are gonna let Ron fall in love with you.

I'm still not doing well with this interaction in anyway.
I'll finish with this and you can contact me if it pleases you.
I'll do my best to respond in a polite and positive manner and be within your personal preference.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Ah. I have realized a problem. You went cold. I mean that's fine and all, You have a great excuse if you choose to use it.

I run off of reason. If you find a reason, I can accept it and forgive.

You were hot and interested and now you are cold and distant.

Can't be with you if you can't stay heated and interested in me.
If you can't 'decide' once and for all that you are all for me.

So my obsession with you is ended.
Your heart can't be trusted by me.

Boy you are a sweet girl.
Incredible potential, that's what I saw, that's what I wanted to believe.
I could believe it.. But that in itself is scary.

I don't want to wonder. I don't want to be distrustful.
Money waster, porn star, party animal - Not a problem if I know I am the man you love the most.
ignorant of my messages? I'll fix that pal - I'm not such a fucking antsy and alone person that I can get too caught up.

hmmm what else what else was there... Oh the rush. Yah can't do that. Kind of a rolling snowball, you were bright and stopped it. Good girl

Bah and I got a kid pfft. Said you don't want those, but you also mentioned not having them didn't you? When I'm 30 she says.

Ah when you are 30.

Anyhow I think I certainly can make you happy, but that is up to you. Honestly I want you to be kind to me, I take my initiative from the women I adore. I'm a bit of a sucker.

Don't crush me?
Not so beautiful anymore
Now you look more predatory

You are a powerful woman. I wish the best for you.
God I want more of you but the price.. Yah I can say without a doubt I'll keep my distance, but try my best to be close to you at the same time.
Are you gonna be Ron's woman? I'm inclined to ask you out on dates and go long distances with you to these fairs and hikes and rides and whatnot whatever.

Dates. Yah, thats what you said, you want to Date.
If you hook up with Ron, and he's under the impression you two are exclusive

I'm not seein you.
I was told this thing you had with Ron was gonna fizzle out and die.
Caused me to jump in early, figuring you burned that bridge on the way.

So how do I play with you if you go back to him?
I can't. I'm not saying choose between us, I'm down to share and I can't occupy much of your time anyways
Lots of shit I don't want to do that you want to do
But what about the shit we do like to do together?
Gotta convince you I can't go crazy so that I can see you again
The concept is crazy cause when we lock eyes you know its electric
Its easy for you from way over there to act cold and distant
It will take more than this resistance to keep you out of love with me

For you and I there is more than what you want to believe which is why you have to rationalize
Everything that you just took the time to explain, about how bad you are for me and all this
It kills me, I know you said don't wait for me, I happen have little else going on
I was full of pain and regret from my past and now I am not

All that I desire is to give you what you don't already have.
I have a place of peace and the door is open to you
I have a warm quiet room where I often lay upon a rainy day
And yes often here I think of you
You say you are sorry for a few things but baby I aint sad about that
What you are saying is what I got isn't what you want every day

I got warm bed and some love songs for you whenever you are ready
I got a cold clear night around the fire with some beers and laughs
I got a good old friend here to keep you company if I gotta work the next day
And he's ok, for just about anything

We got a spring full of walkin to do, riding machines for sand dune dreams
I know you got your own thing to do and I love that
I can't have you all the time because
If it was all the time how fast we would sicken of eachother?

But I miss that day we just layed away and smiled in between my stupid documentaries
You said you sat and played on my desktop while I was all gone at work and I smile
You see I got a quiet place for you to lay your head during the day so you can be up all night doing your thing
And usually we are both gone, I work most days, him he's off and on.

You can't convince me, after I saw you experience what I am doin here, that you don't want it
At least sometimes, about as often as I wanna see a girl
About as often as I wanna go out for breakfast and spend a rainy day at home
Or go to work on repairs knowin it gives you the space you need to practice on your guitar

That you like to sing to me sometimes makes me smile
How do I hurry something like that if you don't come out here to be by yourself
Where no one can hear you make your cute little mistakes
so that you can make perfect what's already so sweet?

No one can have all of you, no one will fill your every need
I wanna hold you and give you what I have
When you had all you need, when you're ready to leave
I've got no problem taking you home

So when you don't feel like a girl trapped in a cage anymore
when you regrow those wings of yours brokedown angel
bring your beauty to me let me see you shine me a smile
we can talk for awhile, before you go home...
From this distance it is easy for you to be cold with me.
You are open and warm. I want to spend time with you but I don't want you convinced that I am crazy about you. How can I be after what has happened?

I want to be, sure, but doesn't everyone want to fall in love?
And sure, you blow money, party, fuck other people, gone alot... None of that matters to me.

What matters is where you have your heart, what matters is knowing after you, I am next.
You always come first, then everything else. priorities.

I'm not talking today or tomorrow, it's a goal.
You stuck there with no mobility? I'm not very interested. All my wants are shit at this point.

You can fool yourself into loving anyone. You can reason away anything.
I'll never forget who I saw you to be. The good and the bad qualities all come down to one point.
Can I trust you to be open and honest with me no matter what?
I don't want to see you treat me like I can't take the truth.
I don't want things hidden from me.
The things I can't handle are absence of understanding.
I can keep myself from going on and on trying to reach you, if I know when I will talk to you again
If I know you want to talk again. If I know that you need me, if I believe that, then I am calm

Being new to me how can I know those things?
How can I find trust?
You become alot less attractive to look at online. I do see your pictures every day and I do enjoy them for sure but with my new experience of your sudden cutting off my intimate connection with you, you become less of a dream and more of a succubus.

Take for example the way we fell in. Major problems for you at home. I was a bit rattled but overall probably could have said nothing and done nothing and been fine leaving you to take all the heat for our actions.

Still how could you not know that boy would be in pain? I am in far less pain than he is. I know and relate to you better I imagine, tho that could just be me wanting and assuming not actually knowing. My life is not in shambles and I don't have any problem finding people to hold and say I love you to. My system is almost total.

Ron's isn't. You knew that.

Now in my case, I just want to stay away. YES I would enjoy everything we were doing before, but not at the price of Ron's pain. Just seeing him, or him knowing you are gone from there and here with me is gonna hurt him. Oh boys.

There are some other issues surrounding your sister. she's gonna worry about you, gonna tell you not to get into something serious. But she's in something serious, and so is Matt, everyone wants to be with someone eventually. Doubtful I'll run accross anyone that I have more interest in.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

It looked easy so I did it. Doesn't seem so easy now, why continue?
Yesterday at 5:31am ·  ·  · 
    • Patrick Joseph Reynolds 
      And go ahead, rationalize in a paranoid manner that I will accept anything to have you again. That overall I am a shallow individual with only a craving to have back what I have lost. Not that you have any character. Not that you have any substance because how could I possibly percieve that? How could I possibly place value upon things a mass of past people have discarded as silly lovesongs and fanciful thoughts of rubbish.

      Keep your armor strong and run wild, because freedom is all a woman wants these days and to be chained to a man is for the old and the wise, which you certainly are not yet, may never be

      yet your substance, your abundance of wisdom, at your age will always amaze me and humble me, even surrounded by skeptics and nay-sayers I will see you for what you are.

      A smart and beautiful driven creature, a wonder and a blesssing to my life and expression
      11 hours ago · 
    • Patrick Joseph Reynolds And I'll save opinions and judgements for others, I am here to support the choices you make and the things that bring passion into your life. Not what is safe or 'right'
You aren't gonna be able to convince me with words that you aren't a great woman to be with.
I don't need to sleep with you at all. It was great sure, but that sort of play is up to you.
Same with a serious relationship. I can't even be comfortable with the idea for a few years.
Running headfirst is totally my style, never works out. I hardly know you
You are Michelles little sister right now, becoming slowly Stephanie LeAnne.
We have so many things to prove to eachother just to feel like we are friends, let alone BEST friends capable of tolerance over decades. Is that even possible anymore?

Ron is a lucky man to be so near you. I hope it works out for him. I don't want to get in his way
Not anymore than I already have >.<

I'm over communicative to a fault.
I just want to be clear

When you want me, I'll try to be available for whatever
I want to see you stable and empowered.
If I can help please let me know.

What transpired between us I consider a TOOL.
I realize potential love at a level beyond mundane is possible. I took my frozen heart and thawed it.

I might fall in love again. I might not have to fake it just to end up feeling cheated by my high expectations.
I might as well prepare for it. I should probably keep myself up, get back into yoga, singing happy songs, empowering passionate songs instead of 'oh how i long for the past' songs. Jesus I was living in the past.

I'll draw and write poetry. It's for you right now, as thanks.
You are an idea, a woman with many brains and talents and good looks, who knows what she wants when she wants it and has some ability to do higher level reasoning.

There are more out there, and I am not hopeless or pissed at women anymore.
It was my own fault.
Are you trying to be Ron's girl?

I can't want what you don't want.
I'll never take what you don't give freely

I'm not waiting, I just don't want halfway hearts.
I'm not gonna settle for mediocre friendships.
You helped by being you and those negative points you think I don't like?

They don't bother me.
What does bother me is your insistence that we can't chill because I'm expecting or wanting something you don't want.
It's not like that.

I adore you and lavish you with sweet words and I always will

So when you want to chill lets chill.
Doesn't seem like you want to right yet and that's fine.

I don't want to hang out because you are in that house.
I don't want to drive up and get you and see Ron's frowning face again.

I want you to come out here in your car and see me, mostly because mine is a piece of shit.
Also, then there is no drama circle jerk at your house. Fuck all that.

Nothing is gonna be chill for a few weeks or more.
Honestly I wasn't expecting to interact with you ever again.
You contacting me on facebook was a surprise, comforting that thru this awkward bungle
you continue to desire interaction with me.

I can appreciate and honor that.
I'm not waiting.
I said there was no one else after you, swore off those other girls cause I don't want just anything that I can get.
I know that there are women out there that are worth attention so I'll just save it for them.
Sure, you are one of those women, but you aren't mine and I get that.
Naked time with you is incredible.
Doesn't make me want to marry you, it just makes me overwhelmingly pleased to not be poking a dead fish.

Lots of dead fish and lousy cocksuckers in my past.
Not dealing with that anymore.
Your bad qualities don't bother me.
If you don't want to be with me thats all good sis, we hardly breached that point, I never considered us an item at all. I did say alot of things, did dream up alot of things and ideas of us having a future, but that's all in fun. If it happens cool, if it doesn't, then the expression and art of it was enough.

I want to give you what you want, no strings attached.

Well, no matter what you do, if you do it well I am gonna praise you for it, good luck fixing your house.

All offers stand. Sorry Casey was a jackoff and said you gotta bunk up with me, not my idea.
You are family, I'd to anything for anyone in that house if I thought it would be appreciated and really effective.

If 4 emails to your one is irritating ill try to cut that back, I just roll things over as a day goes by and if I don't toss them out when they come I lose them. I have a solution to this problem.
I don't wanna be with you, if you don't wanna be with me sis.
Thanks for the strong replies

I'm happy for Ron. Wont see me over there for quite awhile. Either he's gotta reach out and forgive me or I'll ease into not feelin akward around him. Doubtful at best.

All your bad qualities aren't bad right now, and the ones you know don't suit a single partner relationship you may or may not grow out of. I am indifferent.

Friendship was and will always be the goal. I dunno if this makes sense but bein hooked on you ties more to your family and our circle than to you specifically. I offered you a -seperate room- in this house, Casey was the fgt that said you gotta be in my room THINKING how cool that would be, when it just doesn't make any damn sense. 2 people's shit doesn't fit in this little room and we aren't together, we hardly know eachother. But I do know your sister who always pays her bills and is easy to get along with, so I trust by proxy all nelsons and would do anything for them.

So yah I want you here all the time, for you. I work and have other stuff to do, not just you. You need space and internet time and out of that place. I can't fix your car but if I could fix it for sure I would have pushed harder to get it done.

I am very loving and overly giving if I can be no matter what. All of these offers still stand and were there from the moment I knew you had any trouble. I don't want to save you but I'd do anything to help a friend, even if it compromises other friends

Monday, March 14, 2011

and dear me, do you really believe i started drawing and thawed my heart out over a face and some sex? Yah it was good but it always is.

Give yourself more credit.

You are a muse - you draw out depth with your expression and honesty

You objectify yourself by putting yourself into that position.
I got crazy with the texts cause you were sick

Next time cancel the plans and I wont wreck your phone. I had the whole day off to spend with you, thinkin you could chill here and do the modeling thing on my computer like you wanted and get some peace.

The sex is cool, but remember when you got here and you were all over me at my computer? I was plannin to chill and watch that movie with you not have tons of sex...

Once it started sure, it was great but I don't care that much about it.

I want to sing songs with you and just chat. Set your boundaries clearly
Part by part reply, and thanks for this. I tend to assume the worst over a period of silence as I'm sure you can see.
 I just don't want you thinking that there's hope of us being intimate.

Friendship with me is intimate. I think what you mean is that you don't want me attached and hurt when you do what you want. I agree, do what you want.
The sex thing and me being "gorgeous" is always the main thing.

The main thing is your talent with music and just talking with you. I don't want to have sex with you unless you want to have sex with me. Just like you, I have been beautiful and killer in the sack for quite awhile.
treating me like I'm your wife on the run or ignoring you wasn't cool. I like my space and I wanted to show you that I'm a busy girl and not at all connected to my phone most of the time.

Cool. Wont do that again. I just don't see the people around you assisting you, didn't you drop all your money willingly and lavish them with weed and booze for awhile? I just figured you would have help with your car by now and your sister would have helped you find a place. YAH i know the life around them is chaotic and YAH i know in time with patience and perserverence you will have all those fucking things back but srsly your car is your lifeline imo. But yah not really my problem.
You can not get used to it trust me, I could tell.

Don't be silly. Give me a chance on this. But I can't really enjoy you in your current situation. You get out of that house and I'll try to make nice again
I am being too honest right now I feel so I'm gonna go.

NO. This is bomb. you are bomb, don't worry about it you are super sweet so far.
I do porn sometimes, I like to party.
I don't want kids. I am a nomad. I'm not sure when I'll ever actually get my shit together.
I spend my money like wildfire. I think you made me out to be your perfect girl when I'm actually not.

You do porn? I didn't see those pics. Whatever dude I'm not worried about who you fuck or what you do when I'm not around you. I do give a fuck when you change plans without telling me. You did that, and so far its the only thing you have done that I didn't like and my response was a huge wave of text, nothing more.

You aren't perfect sis, but you are a cut above the rest and I feel you should be rewarded for that. I roll out the red carpet for you to come into my home because Michelle has my full trust love and respect thus by proxy I assume you two are similar in the important characteristics:

I has decided a Nelson girl will never cheat or steal from a partner - When single, beautiful crazy moments surround her and I cannot help but adore the specific talent Michelle has always had of making me smile.

I don't want to be in a serious relationship. I just want to date people, figure out who will make me happy for now and eventually I will find that right person.
YAH ABOUT THAT - we got some shit to go do. If Puscifer gets up into this town I wanna go with you. If you catch wind of a barter fair I wanna go. If you wanna take me with you for some of your modeling shit IM SO FUCKING DOWN cause I've never done alot of these things and when I did I did not enjoy the people I went with.

I am a drifter and a dreamer and it never stops.

Fuck yah. You are awesome.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Just tell me one more time why we aren't communicating?
Details would really comfort me.
You have been sweet up until you were off in Seattle just a few days.
Then you became cold and distant.
You blew off our day together, I wonder, did you mean to hurt me with that?
Did you avoid telling me that you weren't coming
that you didn't want to be with me that day?
When did you decide all this?
What triggered this change?

You said alot of very positive things in the short time we spent together.
Maybe you said too much.
I know I did and not just to you.

You said that was the problem.
Tell me if I can stop talking with others about you that this can go on
Tell me if I don't rush you into anything that when you get on your feet you will come out here and see me

I want to sing those songs with you and do these barter fairs.
The only other person I know for fairs is Zak Puckett and he's from Eastern Wa...
currently in jail
I want to listen to what you have to say,
I want to hear you tell me about your weekend up there...

You thaw me.
I promise not to freeze up without you
But you are bomb.

The obsession

Well I think I got this strait.
You want space because of the amount of interaction I had with the house you are in

Thats Matt with the money thing
Your sister with the sex thing
Ron with the relationship thing
Anyone else that didn't need anything or any say in your life at all

I agree it was really not needed.
Sorry, I flipped out a bit and got caught up trying to control things that are out of my control
not even my job to control all that shit.

If I wasn't interested in knowing you better I'd stop talking and try and forget.
I can't do that
I can certainly not come around
not talk about you with others
basically keep how I feel limited to myself and you.

I apologize for this afterflow, I would rather not finish here with you.

The way we came together was incredible.
The friendship is there, even if our love isn't perfect
How can it be so serious? We just got here, your life is in flux

You said something about wishing you weren't just a pretty face.
You got a brain, you speak well and are very articulate and positive.
Get your job and food card, get your car fixed, get a house and you are just an awesome person all around.

I don't need you to do anything specific to stay in my good graces except not totally cut me off.
I just met you and yes everything was rushed

So I request that we try to make nice after you get out of that house and away from those people.
So many people it's fucked in there right now.

If there is more I did to upset you please talk to me about it.
Don't act like I'm a fuck here
I'm on the outside of your life already.


I have yet to have the implosion of all my known friends and enemies from the local 'social network' in on the fact that i am in fact blogging. Here is where I will talk to no one but still talk about my personal life where I know I have things to express to people but really I feel at this point in my life i should keep my damned mouth shut.

In fact more than anything else I think I need to temper this rampant mouth of mine. Yah poetry cool but painful things happen to people when I get on a roll and really its time for me to stop it. iRage

So anyways you look blown out. Did alot of things I regret because now looking at you makes me a little sad.
You should get over it. I can't help what happened because it already did happen and if I could go back I would do the same thing over again

Oh I like this mask. Very comfortable already.. Lets get it all out shall we?

Now what is this you say about perfection and now nothing? Is this your insanity you need therapy for? I don't think those people you are surrounded by can help you and if they could I think they already would have. Haven't they been great? You said some things you probably didn't mean to me. Like 'i haven't been happy since I got here, this is the first time I have been happy'

Now for me I agree in some ways and others not. I've been very happy. Overjoyed in fact for about two months strait and I can't say it has alot to do with the people you are surrounded by or socializing with them. Its just too crowded and there are too many self interests involved.

They are running you. Choose the chains you have holding you down and run from me because yes I am gonna cause a conflict when you say those sweet things that could and will mean so much in the months to come. I suppose it could be over but I have that sneaking suspicion in the back of my mind that it isn't. False start for sure and yes I'll do my best to put all my random thinking right here where I don't have to inflict it upon you. I'll keep singing our song.. shit ill put it on now. You will hear it when I'm done, or you'll have to push me away harder than you have pushed away anything because it is a gift to you for the gift you gave me. Thank god I work fast I used you for what I needed

Thawing. Yes I was hard and cold and lost all of my hope and I know now that it is out there and that I can reach out and have it. I will have it I know it even if it isn't you because I know what you are and I know what I am looking for and what I need.

I'll keep drawing and thinking and being passionate even if its just a dream and even if I can't share it with you I will display it to everyone and in that way know that there is a chance that maybe you will see it.