Saturday, September 24, 2011

waste of time to send this

whats fun is knowin you were on fb but didn't reply. I guess I understand as little about you as you do about me. Did it feel good to throw those words at me? Your anger gives me some sadness, anxiety, but I feel no guilt. I have been active and respectfully communicating with Vanessa over these six years. We kept from knowing eachother directly because we were dating our best friends which is no longer the case. You and Vanessa were not a couple, she did not cheat on you. SHE EVEN SAID SHE WAS COMING TO WASHINGTON and you didn't know she was coming to see me? I can believe we couldn't tell you after your reaction, The idea was to tell you slowly, we had spoken miles online, but once we spent time together in person, which we had never done ever before once, we knew that there was something tangible there. Your feelings? You are WITH RICHIE, you have someone, I didn't, and now I do and it is life changing! Your best friends [boy its a shame you don't see this] are so alike that they fell in love. I don't threaten Richie any longer as a desperate ex boyfriend, Vanessa isn't with a Debbie Downer. LIFE IS GOOD. We are happy and able and thankful. All my greatest joys have come from knowing you. AGAIN Anytime you want to be a part of our lives its cool. Doesn't change anything, we had a rushed 2 week period of time where a lot of bad things happen and when Vanessa needed your support breakin up with Bran you were SO BUSY thinking of your feelings that you dropped HER. YOU dropped YOUR best friend because of things a NOT best friend TOLD YOU. I hear you haven't even tried to talk it out with her.

Fucking be a man, face her and talk to her. She regrets the rush of our relationship, thus having to hide it but I can certainly take the blame for that. She was in pain and I knew I could help. The more we spoke the more I felt like I could lift her up.  It's not really about me, its about Vanessa. She's impulsive sometimes. She makes mistakes. She is encourage able but she means well. Did what had to be done at the time there was no other choice.

She really loves me, says I am nothing like she pictured and I agree. My image of her was a little different. I am still not sure how PAST NOT TELLING YOU this will have any negative effect upon your life Jade.

Only positive points.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

i remember too much

I have these things in my brain so deeply engrained and I might be able to kill them but never will, I will never need to they are safe there I know it is true and I do not believe anything can rip out what I have here in front of me. Drives me close but not quite to tears and I am so deeply shamed by these deep dark feelings that I still hold, can forever hold in this long worn wrinkle within my brain. The truth is there and I see it and tread over old words and old thinking knowing full well that it is a lie, that only the truth is the repetitive motions that lead to nothingness that have led you to silence and me to sadness at the fact that maybe it is all too real for you.

I know I am a fireball and I see the sickness in you, the cold dead places where everything has fallen away that you had given over to me to keep warm. These things can grow again but you have saved them for me, they will never again be for me but I see that they still have my same name written on them each very clearly.

You cannot let go, how can you let go? But you should let go because I am never ever coming back for you again. No matter what words I say they are lies. No matter what phantom gestures and pantomime gifts I may send they are just words. You deserve more potent experience, you need to feed off of some heavy passion and intensity within your grasp, which I can never be, I never will.

You cut me, you let me die in front of you, behind you as I held you. You held your words, your explanations, your logic back from me and left yourself out in the cold for whatever foolish reason.

Too late, I hate hate hate to say too late but it was the moment that letter was sent, you died, I gave everything you had in me, everything cold and dying to another woman.

She did not use it well, not as well as you did when you had your hands upon me, when I was all in front of you. But she was better to me when I was away, she was fierce and protective, open and honest and even now I love her and do not regret taking those things from you, I have taken them from others now too, tho only two. So now a fourth comes. Of all these things I have had.

This is the one and she outshines you. She has all the time in the world to walk into traps and snares you have laid in my unconscious but when she falls I will pick her up and heal her. I will cut away the pain you laid in wait and I will show her my loyalty for you is now hers for all time

Fuck you

You get words. Be thankful I have even those for you.

If you had tried to connect, if you had a bit of fight in you to help mend what you crushed in that girl years ago, there would be some chance, some hope at friendship but I know now by my emotional chaos, by this deep feeling of betrayal still fresh after so many years that it is all you can ever be to me at the core of you and I. You are my deepest betrayer. The largest most beautiful lie.

The deepest cut, the largest hook I ever discarded
And I will be better for it
Better without you
With her.

The rollercoaster of love.

It can be brutal. Might be better if we bred for genetic superiority and left love at the door, but that could never be. Love is about getting along, something two people seldom can do for any long period of time any more. I wish I could look around and see thousands of people happily married but it just isn't true. Of course I pass them in their homes every day on my way to work, but I do not know them, I don't have that affirmation of reality that there is a way. Somewhere along the way that great wisdom that allows a 50 year marriage to exist was lost. It is possible, does it really have that much to do with others? Or does it have more to do with myself, with yourself, with self work and the ability to accept and tolerate and grow with another? To not settle for less than you deserve, to not fall into this thing called love at every chance, but only slow and sure, with due care and caution, fully aware of the rewards and consequences before you..

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Lost Toby..

I suppose it could never be long enough. Can't be happy for us if you aren't her friend, and if the enemy of my friend is my enemy..
I understand the underlying social stigma, I get the broken taboo. I simply disagree at this point
I get the knife and cut out the things that take from me, even less, take themselves away from me, for knowing this giver.

It's not a perfect world. Not my perfect world. That is where Jade and you both can be pleased that even if relationships between us 4 did not succeed, hope can arise.
Maybe too many bad feelings. Burn burned bridges for you and her. Maybe for both Jade and I.

"Get rid of Lord John and there will be consequences...."

Anyhow, we are lost, you and I. We were lost long ago when Matt came to me and said you were out. It crushed me, I couldn't bring myself to defend you, I was falling apart
grasping, lightly clutching at a very small and weak space and there was your presence but no financial ability to be had.

I couldn't push you away myself, what is that? Makes me sick. A sickness in me that clings to sickness in you.
I don't know you as well as I would like, never did, always had a pretty clear picture. Made it strong and sharp, reactive and potent.

How you see yourself, the world, all this.. I dunno man.
Is this really a bad thing for me?
Aren't you only losing a viable source of support love and entertainment?

Maybe for you it is worth it to cut me out.

Friday, September 2, 2011


This is my art, this is my deepest passion, and you are the muse and focus
of that passion