Wednesday, September 21, 2011

i remember too much

I have these things in my brain so deeply engrained and I might be able to kill them but never will, I will never need to they are safe there I know it is true and I do not believe anything can rip out what I have here in front of me. Drives me close but not quite to tears and I am so deeply shamed by these deep dark feelings that I still hold, can forever hold in this long worn wrinkle within my brain. The truth is there and I see it and tread over old words and old thinking knowing full well that it is a lie, that only the truth is the repetitive motions that lead to nothingness that have led you to silence and me to sadness at the fact that maybe it is all too real for you.

I know I am a fireball and I see the sickness in you, the cold dead places where everything has fallen away that you had given over to me to keep warm. These things can grow again but you have saved them for me, they will never again be for me but I see that they still have my same name written on them each very clearly.

You cannot let go, how can you let go? But you should let go because I am never ever coming back for you again. No matter what words I say they are lies. No matter what phantom gestures and pantomime gifts I may send they are just words. You deserve more potent experience, you need to feed off of some heavy passion and intensity within your grasp, which I can never be, I never will.

You cut me, you let me die in front of you, behind you as I held you. You held your words, your explanations, your logic back from me and left yourself out in the cold for whatever foolish reason.

Too late, I hate hate hate to say too late but it was the moment that letter was sent, you died, I gave everything you had in me, everything cold and dying to another woman.

She did not use it well, not as well as you did when you had your hands upon me, when I was all in front of you. But she was better to me when I was away, she was fierce and protective, open and honest and even now I love her and do not regret taking those things from you, I have taken them from others now too, tho only two. So now a fourth comes. Of all these things I have had.

This is the one and she outshines you. She has all the time in the world to walk into traps and snares you have laid in my unconscious but when she falls I will pick her up and heal her. I will cut away the pain you laid in wait and I will show her my loyalty for you is now hers for all time

Fuck you

You get words. Be thankful I have even those for you.

If you had tried to connect, if you had a bit of fight in you to help mend what you crushed in that girl years ago, there would be some chance, some hope at friendship but I know now by my emotional chaos, by this deep feeling of betrayal still fresh after so many years that it is all you can ever be to me at the core of you and I. You are my deepest betrayer. The largest most beautiful lie.

The deepest cut, the largest hook I ever discarded
And I will be better for it
Better without you
With her.

1 comment:

  1. the worst i think is remembering too much of a loved ones past. its real real hard sometimes to get over the terrible things that a loved one went through and try not to judge them on it