Tuesday, August 30, 2011

most wonderfully irritating man I have ever met

you make me feel small. I like that =) Very rare talent. You seem
terse and wise. I hope you feel this way interacting with me. People
[jerks] treating you immature, like a child when you are in my eyes a
woman grown and sometimes quite brilliant.

I don't however, feel you are doing so well. Doing well retains and
multiplies those little pieces of money. Empowered and mobile you are
solid and standing strong even when alone. Holding a job, maintaining
health and good running vehicle, you do as you please.

That in my mind is you doing well.
Hate seeing you in chains myself. 'Grounded' so to speak.

Back to being irritated with me =) hope not. Just giving you my perspective.
Whatever you are doing, I assume you are doing it wrong

On the other hand. It is not easy to acquire a job and so many things
are out there to drag away your dollars.
Maybe you hear this song and dance from someone else
Reminders to you with your reply shouting "i know this already"

Maybe not.

I'll try again sometime to see you. Rare that I make it so far north.
I feel lost up there, but I know time and exploration will yield many
places of interest.
Problem is people, I don't make new friends, thus the emptiness of
being surrounded by individuals swallows the experience, without
someone to share it with I suppose the value for me is greatly
diminished. I'll have to work on that, do you have any ideas?

Beautiful good luck to you this week. Your voice, even tense as it was
and hurried was music to my ears.



So many things unsaid!

First is easy: Get over yourself and your little world of venom and disconnected failures. I DID EVERYTHING I POSSIBLY COULD and it was never enough and I never felt like it was worth it, always took your failures as my own. Took your pain and awkward garbage and stored it up in my own mind creating a sweet little paranoia and neurosis. I would like to think so many things were impossible but one lie sprouted a thousand doubts. And you tell me NOW that things are supposed to be different? NOW you are cold you heartless disembodied bitch?

We are from different worlds. We always were but now I remove a true stone from your foundation. Something you did not believe [nor myself honestly] could be taken from you and I say now: THE BEST THINGS IN ME are gone from you and given to that stone. I shall take all my hope and cast it upon my own shoulders and carry it without fear that the next woman will drag it through the subjective shit.

Fuck it I have been over this, all I have is a cold sense of understanding, all I have is a deep seeded resentment for your lack of understanding. Nothing can break down what I have just created. It will stand forever and all tests to come.


I look back and I see you through a thick fog. My attention was so inward, so 'cool' so reactive and rebellion based. I was a demon and my smile was so sharp. You fell in the way they all do, talking of magic and the darkness. Speaking of powers beyond what we can see and know. Spoke of things I had read much of, spoke of things I wanted more of.

I took you and used you up, I found everything you could teach and dropped you the moment I found you lacking any more substance for me to consume and re express through my own hot bright stream of light.

What a rascal. I did not bruise you so badly that you wouldn't bow down to me, I could take my hand and softly lower you to the floor at my feet in a state of bliss and devotion. Ah the demon smiles to know my shadow hand reaches out into those hearts I so easily forgot and discarded, it laughs and remembers that after all bridges I can see are burned, there are many more waiting for my cry to emerge from the depths of my past.

Long have my arms become. My grip so strong even so long ago...


Oh dear, the feeling creeps up that I should make my way all the way there and take another taste to embolden your sense of self and lift you up. You were so much to me, through all the evil I felt, I can admit and accept it all as failure on your own part to properly deal with these situations.

This is also the reason I will not, I will never cross lines with you again. Yes you are craved yes you are beautiful and worth a moments pain that will certainly again pass but no I will not risk total failure, submission to a false statue too frozen to be broken free.

I have lost all faith in you, but in truth I will never express that notion to you.

Lie lie lie

I have become so capable of telling them what they need to hear, forming reality around them through my vision. It is not what I see but what they need to see to take the next step towards where they are going and who they are going to become, in whatever way I have become a seer, a shaman and a dealer of magical conjurations

They come with an unspoken price, lessons will be learned and everyone including myself gets what they deserve

Monday, August 15, 2011


Think of how our best friend built you up, think of how this was never supposed to occur, how I have been for all this time off limits.. Now maybe YOU have not had raving fantasy about the 3 of us but I have. It is impossible. The woman is full of issues, I had assumed you were just as mentally busted as she, I assumed many things to keep my mind clear of showing intent or desire past the point of shallow male i-want-to-fuck-everything-that-moves.

but then there were those moments when we spoke. You were given a vast and powerful concept in my mind. You were given the role of Magus, sexual temptress, master of the house from the first moment that I knew you.

Your boyfriend just made the shit worse, he explained some things that I could not wait to experience from our best friend... The moment I realized those secrets of the bed had no place in our best friend I was crushed. My focus of course shifted, and she has become highly talented tho, too impatient, too hard and rushed for my truest and most enjoyable form of sexual intimacy. A good experience takes more time than it should. foreplay is easy to start skipping after sex each and every day like a ritual. Once every week? Maybe best. I'd love to say it is enough, a body always comes to want more, gets tired of routine, gets tired of the same old conversations or actions.

But wait, how can that be true if we write so much? What drives this? There are dangers, but it really is all from false or grand expectations

So what do we expect? Lets be plain: I have been without a woman for too long. I don't believe in long term relationships anymore, but every time I get close to a woman there is that mad hope. It must be biological.

And honestly, I have really loved you for years now. Our 'relationship' has grown for a very long time in some ways, in enough ways to give you access to parts of me that are hidden to 90% of the world. I am a very hard individual to crack. I relentlessly attack but seldom give pause or try to be open or available.

Selfish and aggressive, I put up my largest wall with ignorance. I blindly seek what I want ignoring the wants of others. But I am paying close attention to you.

I want little bits given, but I want to give you what you have been missing. If by chance I fail to do so it will shock me, make me feel small, but I am always ready to feel the pain, to risk it for the elation of mastering a new body, a new channel through which I can worship the mother Earth and be humbled and thankful beneath her.

Take your time. I think I outlined my ability to be there, anytime if you just ask. I can come, give and then be gone or stay depending on where you meet me. I can find a place if you do not have a place, my financial situation will allow some very nice views if it please you.

I must tell you that beyond what I have heard, I was looking at you every moment that I could, I was fond of your style of dress, your sweet manner and your soft steps. The empathy you speak of was very plain and is a very passionate thing to touch. The most important thing is reverence and slow progression. I'll spend my first hour just touching you, haha in fact I hope it doesn't throw you off but the next time I see you, an embrace and a smell of you will be very desired. I base so much on the way a woman smells, not your perfume, but your sweat, ah but taste is important as well I suppose.

But style? look? nah. When you shiver at my touch, my whole skin will fill with goosebumps and my body will light on fire. The chakras will all fire and my crown will open. I feel very magical honoring the female body, it is the true purpose of our bodies, to make copies.

Take your time, but please know that I am deeply afraid of breaching this final wall. I ask for it, I beg and plead and pander. I say "is it time yet????" but oh my god is it scary. You aren't some random woman, you never have been anything less than the highest form of open love I have known in my life. When our clothes fall to the ground and my hands take that first step towards your belly I'll be giving you my heart and you will know the power a woman can have over me. I can be very dominant. I am at most times, but I will bend endlessly for a mate.

We should. I need the intensity, I need to see and remember what I am capable of, but please do not think that it will change things so much that you will need to run.

If you run it would be a typical experience for me and I will crave answers. I will ask in so many ways "who am i?" what is wrong with me"

LOL its great too, because if you think as I, you might say "its not you, you are beautiful, I love everything about you... I just can't be who you need me to be and you deserve so much more than this"

meh. I gotta go.

Thursday, August 11, 2011


that woman wasn't in my bed at first... she moved closer over a few moments. I'd say 2 minutes. It was what I wanted but I wouldn't say it. I wouldn't speak the words and relieve/elation washed over me as she slid under my blanket. Not really lust, I didn't try to push her head to my cock or anything. It was enough that I was that close.

The closer I get the more reverent and thankful I become. The more I cherish what is before me. The more I wonder how the fuck I am so close, staring into their eyes, holding them and being held. How incredibly sweet and unreal it is.

This Amelia [the lesbian] was a moment so unexpected. I went up there for my first real vacation. She let me sleep in bed with her, tho she said on the phone i would have to sleep with Mara on a couch lol. When I finally put my hands on her it was incredible. She's a very honest and pure person, she became very vounerable over the stay and I could tell she was falling in love. I know when I left and the fog cleared from her mind she felt she had given too much. That she was hell bent on shutting herself back up. I took so much of her moral code and bent it. I took her will and stepped right through it.

She lost control and I had her. I WAS NICE ABOUT IT and she still locked herself away, swears I wont have her naked again. Wasn't that good. She wont give head. She's 6 hours north and doesn't want to see me without my child with me on weekends. I was planning on taking her 3 weekends and going there 1 weekend each month

I have limitless endurance to fufill wishes and desires of those close to me, but she went out of her way to make this difficult so I figure I'll let it go.

But there was this moment when we were watching tv on the couch and I layed down and she came right over and laid in front of me and I held her, smelled her hair and nuzzled her.

Suddenly everything felt light, I was there in a total way. I told her so.. Something about how I didn't believe that it was all happening and I kissed her. She looked into my eyes and told me she was sure she could fall for me. In my mind she was already mine. She told me she wanted the baby to nap so we could get naked again. We put Mara down and I had her in the living room over the couch which was fantastic, because knowing she wanted it, and delivering as soon as possible in that rushed I-can't-fucking-wait-another-second sort of passion is by far the best.

But see that was a long time ago. Almost 3 months? maybe more like 5. I haven't touched an ass or kissed lips since and in some ways I regret it, but another part of me just can't break down and settle for less. That woman means something to me. She always has and always will even if when she visits again she doesn't put out.

It was also comical purchasing condoms. I never use them, or haven't I suppose I am grown up enough to do so now but it was laughable.

She's like 'years with women, didn't need them'

Maybe a little TMI... Just giving a picture of how epic it was. She also purchased 300 dollars worth of dinners and snacks for baby and I. I spent 600 dollars myself, so it was an expensive holiday, worth it. Hardly just now caught up on my bills from it.

Once away from me, she boxed up, said some mean things and we lost contact. The problem with nailing a friend then stopping is the talk stops. It kills everything. Going to the point of intimacy seems to at least in most cases cause this massive upheaval and sudden fast forward of events. TOO fast.

Now she is gone and all our dreams of meeting halfway and making love work have vanished. she will always love me sure, but with the intensity of her addiction withrawl fresh in mind, why would she let me get inside her again just to bleed fresh when I am no longer there? I hear tearing a scar hurts worse every time...

It's got me jaded. There must be a bit of pressure I don't comprehend. I am in it, makes it hard to understand how girls get away from me after I have them right in front of me, opiated to the gills on my attention.

I need to fix it. I need to get a grip on how to have a longer relationship. A long lasting healthy relationship and solve these unknowns.

The model doesn't count. That bitch is crazy. Amelia the lesbian is closer but still, Amy the ugly girl and Robyn the whore were temporary but Amy is the only one who never held any feelings for me. I've never had bad sex, but she was very cold about it. The rest after Jade all were enchanted by me for a week or more when I had them. The whore I had in many locations, introduced to my mother, let her play with my child. Same with the model, sadly Amelia has not met my mother. These are more like friends I got naked. I want to keep every woman but I am very upfront about how heavy I feel it is to be serious with me. All these women are more than 2 hours away. Can't seem to find them close, 'cept the ugly one, but she used me and got her Ex BF back, who will probably never heal things with me, I wouldn't...

Life is twisted. My desperation is gone and I talk with most of these women time to time. The whore is married now, totally unavailable, of course any male that interacts with any woman I have had doesn't like me, how could they? I interact at a level few people ever reach with anyone.

Intimidating I suppose.

So you are my inspector. You are my therapist and my advisor. You are here to give me a good look over and help me behave better and maybe hold on to a woman when I find one worth holding on to. None of these relationships have been much good for me, and I'm not desperate enough to go out and look for one till I find it.

Lazy I guess.

Wow I said alot. Promised myself I would tone it down and not chat with you so much. Too much to say and no one else I'd like to share with. Thanks for being here.. See usually this is when I post what I wrote here to my blog. I feel I have crossed a line..


It almost seems like I was doing this to spite her. I look back at my actions for excuses, for ways to cover myself if I become revealed. This has all of the gears in my head turning. I am finding appreciation and yes I am afraid.

This was unexpected, it started in such a sad desperate grasping sort of way for me and then I cut it and relaxed and felt better. You are still there and you didn't let go and I wonder so much about the future. There it is that blind hope [oh 300] maybe we can win...
I have grown up in some ways and I could not have done that without you. Now in this static state where you say nothing I start to look back and wonder what sort of pain or fear you may be experiencing. The vast chaos that must be your inner world.

I wonder if you are my tragic fixer upper case in the form of this woman... I don't want to believe that but everything points to it.

And I know if I let you go I can always come back. Somehow that is very comforting because you have been telling me for months and months to let you go to go away and I have been right here with you pushing me away like a lost puppy.

I mean look at me... I can't even tell you this for fear of your reaction. You don't even want to see it for fear of your reaction. I hope you get help

I can't say that I need help

Now I am lost in this different place. My mind meets another mind that doesn't feel so busted. Going slow is all I can comprehend, precarious is the path I walk, but the path is there.

I have all the time in the world. My therapist told me so =)

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

No really

it's only a matter of time. I can see what is coming, I'm no fool. The desire has caught on and like a wave it will grow. The care it takes in not rushing something and going past the point of truth to a dissolution of want and impossible growth is vital. I will not say that I love you and must have you, that if I am not with you I'll die and I can't make it. I wont pester and beg even if I want to, because I want to dammit.

My whole life is an empty bowl. I have made it so wide and drank up all that I had, discarding the poison. It's nice but I have never been much for being alone. Alone is not what this is. The void is filled with a few people, none of them potentials.

There will be an honest draw towards making solid ties, becoming more than we probably should be. It is natural and we can talk about it as it comes on, but all real choices between us should come slow. Say 'Lets think about this for awhile before we really agree upon anything k?' and everything will be alright.

Passion, Lust, Intensity.... There will be devine moments but life is not without balance. The longer I remain empty the more delicious the taste when I am being filled. So many songs come to mind!

I'm hesitant to take on the appearance of a stepping stone for you, there is that deep desire to do so, to try bending your perceptions to get what I want. Honesty is the crutch of a very alone and unhappy man, but honorable....


It is a growing secret. A hidden journey that I am trying to create for us, like a seeker of hidden knowledge we can delve into energy works and yoga practice between us forming a connection to the occult and sharing what we discover and learning about it together. Some things are so much easier if you just have another voice to agree with you and bounce your crazy ideas off of..


Saturday, August 6, 2011

I never imagined

I cannot quite know what you will see or find here. I have invited very few people to this blog that know me irl and I really feel a bit naked. I get support from 3 or so of my more talkative and witty bloggers but besides that I get a very warm pleased awareness that people enjoy what I say about these others in such a strong way. It is a crutch. Without it I tumble possible futures with these poor souls I don't have the refined patience to calmly set down and talk to about the way I feel.

This is therapy for me. But see I looked at you from the first moment as a beautiful creature. I saw a look in your eye that vanished quickly. I saw a side of you that went away once you saw deeper into my actions and took away your friend to a world where you could no longer touch her. I seized her and it must have looked very selfish and agressive. Brash and insensitive. I was caught up and I am ashamed of my action, though many things happened that I would not change I do count the end and my attachment as some very high levels of regret I cannot quite get over.

But you I could see held back a wall of grace and peace that somehow my brother wasn't quite getting to. I never felt like he had the right hold on you and I was sad that it was so easy for me to take her but that I could see from the start there was no way to get a grip on you. To really know that I had you.

That is intellect to me. That hesitation, the real knowledge of a strong hand that slips around the independant throat and brings it to its knees. Kindness and sweet words come pouring out and I wonder after a time if it is really me or if the monster within me intoxicates us both to sate itself...

Again more shame, but I am letting go of that, let that monster have his fun and fool me and the woman both. Let me ride the emotional mental rollercoaster of passion and betrayal. Let my life's imagination be consumed by my dreams and wants manifest before me in a great rapture

I balk at your cowardice. I know something is wrong and I remove it, I move forward. There is no fear when my insides are eating themselves over inactions I know I must take.

There is impatience in that. I would rather force an action that must be than wait for the right time. Imagine there is this long knife, longer than you can imagine and every moment you push it in an inch and twist. It heals as you go deeper but always hurts more. Every moment it gets worse and you somehow watch the knife go in, when at any time you have the power to remove the knife from his back and let him die in a more painless way. There will be blood and intensity for a moment, but that is far less cruel and a slow endless death being hung by a salted blade of unknown length for unknown days

All because you didn't have the heart to do what must be done.

Ah. The monster's words coming out of my mouth. My teeth grow longer, get sharper as I get more impatient. So expectant... But what else would I do? set and say nothing? I say these things here and you have the pleasure to see it but never before have I been thinking 'she will see this soon and what will she say?'

Well I can't say that it matters. It is here to help me relax and get it off my mind. There is nowhere else for me to put this. It has been beautiful with my girl these past hours and I think I spent too much of it thinking of you, mentioning you in little ways to myself... Seeing your face and speaking your words

It will only get better, and only get worse. I can ruin it forever or I can keep my hands under my rump and hope in time, it will be the right time.

If you put it in your mouth, all my tension melts away. I can't explain why this is true and I hate it. I hate that such an act shared between myself and another can be so powerful and life changing. That without that one thing I would be and believe so much less than I am in action and perception. It should not be so. To abstain and be pure should be more powerful. But maybe I have gone too far, spent too much time with my brain wired to the action itself, without the action those parts, those pathways in my brain lay dormant or half alive. Maybe deteriorating waiting to be remade?

Whatever it is it is biological conditioning and totally natural. There is no fighting it no matter how much I stomp my feet and scream that I am an angel doing gods work and I don't need that devil's play, that I don't need that carnal primal passion in my life consistant and impossibly beautiful.

I don't need it, it isn't everything
But without it I feel weak and small... Fuck

Thursday, August 4, 2011

No drama day

all is quiet. I'll finish Dance with Dragons today. almost 1000 pages in this one. Been incredible