Sorry

It almost seems like I was doing this to spite her. I look back at my actions for excuses, for ways to cover myself if I become revealed. This has all of the gears in my head turning. I am finding appreciation and yes I am afraid.

This was unexpected, it started in such a sad desperate grasping sort of way for me and then I cut it and relaxed and felt better. You are still there and you didn't let go and I wonder so much about the future. There it is that blind hope [oh 300] maybe we can win...
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I have grown up in some ways and I could not have done that without you. Now in this static state where you say nothing I start to look back and wonder what sort of pain or fear you may be experiencing. The vast chaos that must be your inner world.

I wonder if you are my tragic fixer upper case in the form of this woman... I don't want to believe that but everything points to it.

And I know if I let you go I can always come back. Somehow that is very comforting because you have been telling me for months and months to let you go to go away and I have been right here with you pushing me away like a lost puppy.

I mean look at me... I can't even tell you this for fear of your reaction. You don't even want to see it for fear of your reaction. I hope you get help

I can't say that I need help

Now I am lost in this different place. My mind meets another mind that doesn't feel so busted. Going slow is all I can comprehend, precarious is the path I walk, but the path is there.

I have all the time in the world. My therapist told me so =)