Saturday, March 26, 2011

this celibacy thing wasn't an issue between us. I mean yah you got that other boy there and those girls but I'm up here and I'm once every couple weekends or whatnot. It's not something I have to have, but something I miss and being that it is alot more for us I like to feel that connected with you.

Anyhow, I hope this weekend works out, Nathan was sad we weren't going tonight, but whatever. It will be nice to do something with you that is more like a date, I am of course always down to sit and eat a meal somewheres with you, but you gotta pick that out. We could bowl too or I could come down there and stay over and we could hit a few bars/clubs to see if there is anything that we enjoy.

I had this crazy dream where we were underwater and richie was there and you and i were close for a moment but then you were in the dark with richie and i was getting eated by sharks. This whole 'I don't want you to wait for me' thing is interesting.

What I hear you saying is that I should find other girls and not worry as much about having a serious relationship with you right now. That I have gotten too serious already. I can ease back off of that, I just want to be a better friend, in my eyes being a better friend is all there is anyways, a 'relationship' is just a way to lock other boys out of your pants, so if you are locking everyone out of your pants then you are really saying everyone is my friend for real.

I'm paranoid. You are such a sucker, and a chicken as you said, for sweet things, touches, kisses, and words. You crave them, all of us are into giving them to you, and yes I really understand your issue.

There is more to life. I am crushed by the situation because of our baby. She matters more than you do, her development runs smoothly because of you. The more things you add to your life that detract from that bums me out. It's sad to me that you smoke pot and have this hole inside of you I cannot fill but I do get it, I'm gonna finish that movie right after I get done ranting here.

But yah I tried not to while you were here, kisses and hugs get out of hand because I don't want to do those things as much at first, but my love joins with your reaction and unbearable need washes over me. Instantly I want it all but I know also that if I slowly take steps forward and don't rush you, eventually I get my mouth over every inch of you. I am learning not to hurry for things I want, because hurried things can be stopped. Slow progression towards my goals always eventually go my way.

I'm never gonna believe you are better of without me. Everything you want you can have here with me and more. Going to school can be alot more simple with a support group, which is readily available here with my mother/sister/casey/george and sarah/etc.. That's where you start your adventure. Work and hobbies that require for you to get out of your bubble and meet people. The larger circle of friends you will probably make when mara goes to school, she will bring you close to all the other mothers of all the children there, they will want to hang out so you gotta go see the house, they will take trips and want us to come etc etc. couple years away, you will have so many friends its gonna be obnoxious. You will pick and choose from a large pool of peers at that point.

Don't rush this thing you need to do, of course it is easy for me to lead you any direction that makes it more reasonable for you to be with me. I come alive when I interact with you and think of you. That stupid girl that picked me up opened my eyes and I remembered how to be passionate and dive into love. When you got hurt by the severance I realized all at once what I had not been giving you, I realized that our relationship started in a rushed way in which I never came to idolize and adore you properly and in a solid manner.

Now, so quickly a thing that seemed perfect is gone, and true love never transfered away from you anyways, it was simply covered and hidden [i think the girl could see thru that, she did mention that she was in the way and that i should be with you and my daughter, something about like that lol]

So I had a moment, I learned alot and had a horrible month this month wanting things that I cannot have or should not have apparently. When I didn't want to have a girl, when I was convincing myself that I didn't want to have a relationship [to myself] that was the strongest life I ever had. It was fantastic but I am constantly wishing to be alone with one woman, not any woman, only you.

All that horse shit the first girl had, the forgiveness and the excuses that I tolerated blindly, The indestructable part of my love I have taken from her and have given to you.

It's like holding the title. You are the greatest woman in my life that I have ever met. You are the most desirable creature on this planet to me and I want nothing for you but the very best that I can provide and secure. Doesn't matter where you are or what you are doing as long as you are honest, as long as I know that I am the greatest man you know, and that more than anything I am the man you love first [lol like lord Jesus Christ right?]

Knowing that, believing that, gives me power here and now, no matter where you are I know you are mine. I know that 100% I can count on you and love and trust you.

I lost that, and it has returned. I never believed it would but it did. I can be alone alot longer. I might as well. When you say that I can move on and you missed your chance and deserve it if it happens, know that my loyalty runs too deep. My loyalty to the last girl crushed my relationship with you, with so many added things. That has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me and history and my own principles. I can't let go of things I give my heart to, not if they go away, not if they treat me poor, not if they find love somewhere else, not if I know it isn't the same as mine, not if I know in my heart that with me it would be better.

Am I crazy?

So if I find another girl, and I am with her, I'll still have to talk to you, Jess and I didn't have a child together and I had consistent contact with her until you were enraged dead set on leaving me. It was in that moment that I chose you over her, but resented you for not coming to terms with it and realizing that from that point forward you had not competition. When you are here in my house with me every day, no woman, no matter how much 'better' they could possibly be, could ever tear me away from what I know and love. You are everything to me from afar. I don't want to believe there is a man out there that can outdo me. I don't want him to exist because I exist already. I will NOT be crushed without you, I will avenge myself upon every woman I find. I will hope and dream that 'oh maybe this will be the one, the girl that I can turn away from Jade for' But I wont. Not for years, and in all that time, if your selfishness drags you back into my life, if you decide you want me back, I am still far more hooked to you than I could possibly be to any other woman.

Sure, don't wait for you, but at the same time, nothing will top you. Nothing can. I will continue to watch you change more into you, I will set here from my distance and glorify the creature you are becoming, the blooming of your soul into this new thing that I know I feel and see far clearer than any other eye.

I am on the inside.

Hey, that girl in the facebook picture looks very employable. You in person don't look to employable. I don't want to be a fucking nazi and tell you what to do but here are some suggestions you never asked me to suggest:

1.Stop smoking pot till you find work
2.One color of hair, regular hair colors work best
3.I was gonna say gain weight but thats silly.
4.Thats all I don't have anything more.

I like you for who you are and I think if you can get all your ducks in a row and look professional tip to toe for a few months a job will come your way.

I don't think you should get a job of course, I think you should be here with my baby 24/7 till she's in school. In the kitchen with a ball and chain attaching you to the stove.

I'm a man, I know thats dumb BUT ITS FUNNY. Think on it. If you hate it tell me so. TELL ME SO. I'll try to shut the fuck up and not press subjects you ask me not to press anymore. I'll move on for you because I love you and I'll try to work with you in whatever way you need to be workin it out

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