-sigh-

that woman wasn't in my bed at first... she moved closer over a few moments. I'd say 2 minutes. It was what I wanted but I wouldn't say it. I wouldn't speak the words and relieve/elation washed over me as she slid under my blanket. Not really lust, I didn't try to push her head to my cock or anything. It was enough that I was that close.

The closer I get the more reverent and thankful I become. The more I cherish what is before me. The more I wonder how the fuck I am so close, staring into their eyes, holding them and being held. How incredibly sweet and unreal it is.

This Amelia [the lesbian] was a moment so unexpected. I went up there for my first real vacation. She let me sleep in bed with her, tho she said on the phone i would have to sleep with Mara on a couch lol. When I finally put my hands on her it was incredible. She's a very honest and pure person, she became very vounerable over the stay and I could tell she was falling in love. I know when I left and the fog cleared from her mind she felt she had given too much. That she was hell bent on shutting herself back up. I took so much of her moral code and bent it. I took her will and stepped right through it.

She lost control and I had her. I WAS NICE ABOUT IT and she still locked herself away, swears I wont have her naked again. Wasn't that good. She wont give head. She's 6 hours north and doesn't want to see me without my child with me on weekends. I was planning on taking her 3 weekends and going there 1 weekend each month

I have limitless endurance to fufill wishes and desires of those close to me, but she went out of her way to make this difficult so I figure I'll let it go.

But there was this moment when we were watching tv on the couch and I layed down and she came right over and laid in front of me and I held her, smelled her hair and nuzzled her.

Suddenly everything felt light, I was there in a total way. I told her so.. Something about how I didn't believe that it was all happening and I kissed her. She looked into my eyes and told me she was sure she could fall for me. In my mind she was already mine. She told me she wanted the baby to nap so we could get naked again. We put Mara down and I had her in the living room over the couch which was fantastic, because knowing she wanted it, and delivering as soon as possible in that rushed I-can't-fucking-wait-another-second sort of passion is by far the best.

But see that was a long time ago. Almost 3 months? maybe more like 5. I haven't touched an ass or kissed lips since and in some ways I regret it, but another part of me just can't break down and settle for less. That woman means something to me. She always has and always will even if when she visits again she doesn't put out.

It was also comical purchasing condoms. I never use them, or haven't I suppose I am grown up enough to do so now but it was laughable.

She's like 'years with women, didn't need them'

Maybe a little TMI... Just giving a picture of how epic it was. She also purchased 300 dollars worth of dinners and snacks for baby and I. I spent 600 dollars myself, so it was an expensive holiday, worth it. Hardly just now caught up on my bills from it.

Once away from me, she boxed up, said some mean things and we lost contact. The problem with nailing a friend then stopping is the talk stops. It kills everything. Going to the point of intimacy seems to at least in most cases cause this massive upheaval and sudden fast forward of events. TOO fast.

Now she is gone and all our dreams of meeting halfway and making love work have vanished. she will always love me sure, but with the intensity of her addiction withrawl fresh in mind, why would she let me get inside her again just to bleed fresh when I am no longer there? I hear tearing a scar hurts worse every time...

It's got me jaded. There must be a bit of pressure I don't comprehend. I am in it, makes it hard to understand how girls get away from me after I have them right in front of me, opiated to the gills on my attention.

I need to fix it. I need to get a grip on how to have a longer relationship. A long lasting healthy relationship and solve these unknowns.

The model doesn't count. That bitch is crazy. Amelia the lesbian is closer but still, Amy the ugly girl and Robyn the whore were temporary but Amy is the only one who never held any feelings for me. I've never had bad sex, but she was very cold about it. The rest after Jade all were enchanted by me for a week or more when I had them. The whore I had in many locations, introduced to my mother, let her play with my child. Same with the model, sadly Amelia has not met my mother. These are more like friends I got naked. I want to keep every woman but I am very upfront about how heavy I feel it is to be serious with me. All these women are more than 2 hours away. Can't seem to find them close, 'cept the ugly one, but she used me and got her Ex BF back, who will probably never heal things with me, I wouldn't...

Life is twisted. My desperation is gone and I talk with most of these women time to time. The whore is married now, totally unavailable, of course any male that interacts with any woman I have had doesn't like me, how could they? I interact at a level few people ever reach with anyone.

Intimidating I suppose.

So you are my inspector. You are my therapist and my advisor. You are here to give me a good look over and help me behave better and maybe hold on to a woman when I find one worth holding on to. None of these relationships have been much good for me, and I'm not desperate enough to go out and look for one till I find it.

Lazy I guess.

Wow I said alot. Promised myself I would tone it down and not chat with you so much. Too much to say and no one else I'd like to share with. Thanks for being here.. See usually this is when I post what I wrote here to my blog. I feel I have crossed a line..