If ever I was more dissatisfied with my own performance I cannot recall it to be more irritating than my present state. You show up drunk and complain about how you haven't been laid and how your friend you drove here is getting laid and how mad you are.
I remove your shoes and rub your feet. I figured maybe that was enough of a hint, and after that I think to myself, maybe the hint is coming back my way, maybe I'll just not even put any effort towards this girl and go to bed.
BUT I DONT. I get tron out and put it in. I sit on the couch with you and continue my massage, which goes nowhere. I get a blanket, bam, you go to sleep. So I go to my room and lay down
Wide awake. Super awake, why? Because you came in drunk as shit at 3am that's why. I got 5 hours of sleep and I am ready to start my day. Ready to give you that lay you were complaining about. So I get back up when I hear you cough and give you water, vitamin C, and tell you flat out
You don't have to sleep on the couch
And you reply
That's ok, the couch is fine
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I haven't been turned down in awhile, but looking back I didn't put alot of effort forward.
Next tiem maby
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
You know its funny because I assume Jill will read this before you do, I'm sure she'll pass it on to you in some form. You know that I love you, I feel this abyss has openned up between us, this akward space after my removal from Longview. I can't look back at that time and feel justified, I can't look back and think that you made a poor choice, or that darrel made a poor choice no matter what those of you who did come together and agree feel now.
I was falling apart. I continue to do so, I go relationship to relationship, house to house, car to car. I have no savings and I have no security. Family functions are nice, I feel loved.. But looking back all my foolish desires with that van come down to that distinct difference between us. So close in age so different in demeanor. I feel like an outcast, I must draw myself that way, perpetuate it with every thought and breath. I haven't been foreman of more than 30 jobs in my eight strong years of roofing. thats 1%. Am I never cut out for that? I don't even know how my sales percentage came out. I never saw those numbers. What can I assume but that they were poor? If I was doing well I would have heard about it.
I take all of this too serious. I asked for your advice and you replied to me that common sense was lacking. Those were not your words, but that is what I heard you say.
As if it was obvious to you how I should behave, but not obvious why I acted in some invalid manner.
I have brushed aside so much in my life that pushes me to be that person that I need to be. Something within me grabs me by the head and pushes me, baring down upon my will to fight against that humble voice that whispers to me the key of sucess. It is there, by now I must know what to do in almost every situation. It has been so long for me here, and I just wonder how it all fits. The bigger picture.
What is really stopping me? Am I addicted to destroying my good fortune and lucky breaks? Am I addicted to surrounding myself with foolish people and failing situations?
I must break the cycle. I love you, and the abyss between us must close. This rift I cannot bear to see between us every time our eyes meet.
If you feel any negativity over what has come between us I am very sorry, but I do not fault you, I place the blame upon my own inability to properly percieve the actions that place us in the greatest light and the strongest position. For us all, because we are in this together
I was falling apart. I continue to do so, I go relationship to relationship, house to house, car to car. I have no savings and I have no security. Family functions are nice, I feel loved.. But looking back all my foolish desires with that van come down to that distinct difference between us. So close in age so different in demeanor. I feel like an outcast, I must draw myself that way, perpetuate it with every thought and breath. I haven't been foreman of more than 30 jobs in my eight strong years of roofing. thats 1%. Am I never cut out for that? I don't even know how my sales percentage came out. I never saw those numbers. What can I assume but that they were poor? If I was doing well I would have heard about it.
I take all of this too serious. I asked for your advice and you replied to me that common sense was lacking. Those were not your words, but that is what I heard you say.
As if it was obvious to you how I should behave, but not obvious why I acted in some invalid manner.
I have brushed aside so much in my life that pushes me to be that person that I need to be. Something within me grabs me by the head and pushes me, baring down upon my will to fight against that humble voice that whispers to me the key of sucess. It is there, by now I must know what to do in almost every situation. It has been so long for me here, and I just wonder how it all fits. The bigger picture.
What is really stopping me? Am I addicted to destroying my good fortune and lucky breaks? Am I addicted to surrounding myself with foolish people and failing situations?
I must break the cycle. I love you, and the abyss between us must close. This rift I cannot bear to see between us every time our eyes meet.
If you feel any negativity over what has come between us I am very sorry, but I do not fault you, I place the blame upon my own inability to properly percieve the actions that place us in the greatest light and the strongest position. For us all, because we are in this together
Saturday, March 26, 2011
this celibacy thing wasn't an issue between us. I mean yah you got that other boy there and those girls but I'm up here and I'm once every couple weekends or whatnot. It's not something I have to have, but something I miss and being that it is alot more for us I like to feel that connected with you.
Anyhow, I hope this weekend works out, Nathan was sad we weren't going tonight, but whatever. It will be nice to do something with you that is more like a date, I am of course always down to sit and eat a meal somewheres with you, but you gotta pick that out. We could bowl too or I could come down there and stay over and we could hit a few bars/clubs to see if there is anything that we enjoy.
I had this crazy dream where we were underwater and richie was there and you and i were close for a moment but then you were in the dark with richie and i was getting eated by sharks. This whole 'I don't want you to wait for me' thing is interesting.
What I hear you saying is that I should find other girls and not worry as much about having a serious relationship with you right now. That I have gotten too serious already. I can ease back off of that, I just want to be a better friend, in my eyes being a better friend is all there is anyways, a 'relationship' is just a way to lock other boys out of your pants, so if you are locking everyone out of your pants then you are really saying everyone is my friend for real.
I'm paranoid. You are such a sucker, and a chicken as you said, for sweet things, touches, kisses, and words. You crave them, all of us are into giving them to you, and yes I really understand your issue.
There is more to life. I am crushed by the situation because of our baby. She matters more than you do, her development runs smoothly because of you. The more things you add to your life that detract from that bums me out. It's sad to me that you smoke pot and have this hole inside of you I cannot fill but I do get it, I'm gonna finish that movie right after I get done ranting here.
But yah I tried not to while you were here, kisses and hugs get out of hand because I don't want to do those things as much at first, but my love joins with your reaction and unbearable need washes over me. Instantly I want it all but I know also that if I slowly take steps forward and don't rush you, eventually I get my mouth over every inch of you. I am learning not to hurry for things I want, because hurried things can be stopped. Slow progression towards my goals always eventually go my way.
I'm never gonna believe you are better of without me. Everything you want you can have here with me and more. Going to school can be alot more simple with a support group, which is readily available here with my mother/sister/casey/george and sarah/etc.. That's where you start your adventure. Work and hobbies that require for you to get out of your bubble and meet people. The larger circle of friends you will probably make when mara goes to school, she will bring you close to all the other mothers of all the children there, they will want to hang out so you gotta go see the house, they will take trips and want us to come etc etc. couple years away, you will have so many friends its gonna be obnoxious. You will pick and choose from a large pool of peers at that point.
Don't rush this thing you need to do, of course it is easy for me to lead you any direction that makes it more reasonable for you to be with me. I come alive when I interact with you and think of you. That stupid girl that picked me up opened my eyes and I remembered how to be passionate and dive into love. When you got hurt by the severance I realized all at once what I had not been giving you, I realized that our relationship started in a rushed way in which I never came to idolize and adore you properly and in a solid manner.
Now, so quickly a thing that seemed perfect is gone, and true love never transfered away from you anyways, it was simply covered and hidden [i think the girl could see thru that, she did mention that she was in the way and that i should be with you and my daughter, something about like that lol]
So I had a moment, I learned alot and had a horrible month this month wanting things that I cannot have or should not have apparently. When I didn't want to have a girl, when I was convincing myself that I didn't want to have a relationship [to myself] that was the strongest life I ever had. It was fantastic but I am constantly wishing to be alone with one woman, not any woman, only you.
All that horse shit the first girl had, the forgiveness and the excuses that I tolerated blindly, The indestructable part of my love I have taken from her and have given to you.
It's like holding the title. You are the greatest woman in my life that I have ever met. You are the most desirable creature on this planet to me and I want nothing for you but the very best that I can provide and secure. Doesn't matter where you are or what you are doing as long as you are honest, as long as I know that I am the greatest man you know, and that more than anything I am the man you love first [lol like lord Jesus Christ right?]
Knowing that, believing that, gives me power here and now, no matter where you are I know you are mine. I know that 100% I can count on you and love and trust you.
I lost that, and it has returned. I never believed it would but it did. I can be alone alot longer. I might as well. When you say that I can move on and you missed your chance and deserve it if it happens, know that my loyalty runs too deep. My loyalty to the last girl crushed my relationship with you, with so many added things. That has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me and history and my own principles. I can't let go of things I give my heart to, not if they go away, not if they treat me poor, not if they find love somewhere else, not if I know it isn't the same as mine, not if I know in my heart that with me it would be better.
Am I crazy?
So if I find another girl, and I am with her, I'll still have to talk to you, Jess and I didn't have a child together and I had consistent contact with her until you were enraged dead set on leaving me. It was in that moment that I chose you over her, but resented you for not coming to terms with it and realizing that from that point forward you had not competition. When you are here in my house with me every day, no woman, no matter how much 'better' they could possibly be, could ever tear me away from what I know and love. You are everything to me from afar. I don't want to believe there is a man out there that can outdo me. I don't want him to exist because I exist already. I will NOT be crushed without you, I will avenge myself upon every woman I find. I will hope and dream that 'oh maybe this will be the one, the girl that I can turn away from Jade for' But I wont. Not for years, and in all that time, if your selfishness drags you back into my life, if you decide you want me back, I am still far more hooked to you than I could possibly be to any other woman.
Sure, don't wait for you, but at the same time, nothing will top you. Nothing can. I will continue to watch you change more into you, I will set here from my distance and glorify the creature you are becoming, the blooming of your soul into this new thing that I know I feel and see far clearer than any other eye.
I am on the inside.
ON A TOTALLY DIFFERENT SUBJECT NOW
Hey, that girl in the facebook picture looks very employable. You in person don't look to employable. I don't want to be a fucking nazi and tell you what to do but here are some suggestions you never asked me to suggest:
1.Stop smoking pot till you find work
2.One color of hair, regular hair colors work best
3.I was gonna say gain weight but thats silly.
4.Thats all I don't have anything more.
I like you for who you are and I think if you can get all your ducks in a row and look professional tip to toe for a few months a job will come your way.
I don't think you should get a job of course, I think you should be here with my baby 24/7 till she's in school. In the kitchen with a ball and chain attaching you to the stove.
I'm a man, I know thats dumb BUT ITS FUNNY. Think on it. If you hate it tell me so. TELL ME SO. I'll try to shut the fuck up and not press subjects you ask me not to press anymore. I'll move on for you because I love you and I'll try to work with you in whatever way you need to be workin it out
Anyhow, I hope this weekend works out, Nathan was sad we weren't going tonight, but whatever. It will be nice to do something with you that is more like a date, I am of course always down to sit and eat a meal somewheres with you, but you gotta pick that out. We could bowl too or I could come down there and stay over and we could hit a few bars/clubs to see if there is anything that we enjoy.
I had this crazy dream where we were underwater and richie was there and you and i were close for a moment but then you were in the dark with richie and i was getting eated by sharks. This whole 'I don't want you to wait for me' thing is interesting.
What I hear you saying is that I should find other girls and not worry as much about having a serious relationship with you right now. That I have gotten too serious already. I can ease back off of that, I just want to be a better friend, in my eyes being a better friend is all there is anyways, a 'relationship' is just a way to lock other boys out of your pants, so if you are locking everyone out of your pants then you are really saying everyone is my friend for real.
I'm paranoid. You are such a sucker, and a chicken as you said, for sweet things, touches, kisses, and words. You crave them, all of us are into giving them to you, and yes I really understand your issue.
There is more to life. I am crushed by the situation because of our baby. She matters more than you do, her development runs smoothly because of you. The more things you add to your life that detract from that bums me out. It's sad to me that you smoke pot and have this hole inside of you I cannot fill but I do get it, I'm gonna finish that movie right after I get done ranting here.
But yah I tried not to while you were here, kisses and hugs get out of hand because I don't want to do those things as much at first, but my love joins with your reaction and unbearable need washes over me. Instantly I want it all but I know also that if I slowly take steps forward and don't rush you, eventually I get my mouth over every inch of you. I am learning not to hurry for things I want, because hurried things can be stopped. Slow progression towards my goals always eventually go my way.
I'm never gonna believe you are better of without me. Everything you want you can have here with me and more. Going to school can be alot more simple with a support group, which is readily available here with my mother/sister/casey/george and sarah/etc.. That's where you start your adventure. Work and hobbies that require for you to get out of your bubble and meet people. The larger circle of friends you will probably make when mara goes to school, she will bring you close to all the other mothers of all the children there, they will want to hang out so you gotta go see the house, they will take trips and want us to come etc etc. couple years away, you will have so many friends its gonna be obnoxious. You will pick and choose from a large pool of peers at that point.
Don't rush this thing you need to do, of course it is easy for me to lead you any direction that makes it more reasonable for you to be with me. I come alive when I interact with you and think of you. That stupid girl that picked me up opened my eyes and I remembered how to be passionate and dive into love. When you got hurt by the severance I realized all at once what I had not been giving you, I realized that our relationship started in a rushed way in which I never came to idolize and adore you properly and in a solid manner.
Now, so quickly a thing that seemed perfect is gone, and true love never transfered away from you anyways, it was simply covered and hidden [i think the girl could see thru that, she did mention that she was in the way and that i should be with you and my daughter, something about like that lol]
So I had a moment, I learned alot and had a horrible month this month wanting things that I cannot have or should not have apparently. When I didn't want to have a girl, when I was convincing myself that I didn't want to have a relationship [to myself] that was the strongest life I ever had. It was fantastic but I am constantly wishing to be alone with one woman, not any woman, only you.
All that horse shit the first girl had, the forgiveness and the excuses that I tolerated blindly, The indestructable part of my love I have taken from her and have given to you.
It's like holding the title. You are the greatest woman in my life that I have ever met. You are the most desirable creature on this planet to me and I want nothing for you but the very best that I can provide and secure. Doesn't matter where you are or what you are doing as long as you are honest, as long as I know that I am the greatest man you know, and that more than anything I am the man you love first [lol like lord Jesus Christ right?]
Knowing that, believing that, gives me power here and now, no matter where you are I know you are mine. I know that 100% I can count on you and love and trust you.
I lost that, and it has returned. I never believed it would but it did. I can be alone alot longer. I might as well. When you say that I can move on and you missed your chance and deserve it if it happens, know that my loyalty runs too deep. My loyalty to the last girl crushed my relationship with you, with so many added things. That has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me and history and my own principles. I can't let go of things I give my heart to, not if they go away, not if they treat me poor, not if they find love somewhere else, not if I know it isn't the same as mine, not if I know in my heart that with me it would be better.
Am I crazy?
So if I find another girl, and I am with her, I'll still have to talk to you, Jess and I didn't have a child together and I had consistent contact with her until you were enraged dead set on leaving me. It was in that moment that I chose you over her, but resented you for not coming to terms with it and realizing that from that point forward you had not competition. When you are here in my house with me every day, no woman, no matter how much 'better' they could possibly be, could ever tear me away from what I know and love. You are everything to me from afar. I don't want to believe there is a man out there that can outdo me. I don't want him to exist because I exist already. I will NOT be crushed without you, I will avenge myself upon every woman I find. I will hope and dream that 'oh maybe this will be the one, the girl that I can turn away from Jade for' But I wont. Not for years, and in all that time, if your selfishness drags you back into my life, if you decide you want me back, I am still far more hooked to you than I could possibly be to any other woman.
Sure, don't wait for you, but at the same time, nothing will top you. Nothing can. I will continue to watch you change more into you, I will set here from my distance and glorify the creature you are becoming, the blooming of your soul into this new thing that I know I feel and see far clearer than any other eye.
I am on the inside.
ON A TOTALLY DIFFERENT SUBJECT NOW
Hey, that girl in the facebook picture looks very employable. You in person don't look to employable. I don't want to be a fucking nazi and tell you what to do but here are some suggestions you never asked me to suggest:
1.Stop smoking pot till you find work
2.One color of hair, regular hair colors work best
3.I was gonna say gain weight but thats silly.
4.Thats all I don't have anything more.
I like you for who you are and I think if you can get all your ducks in a row and look professional tip to toe for a few months a job will come your way.
I don't think you should get a job of course, I think you should be here with my baby 24/7 till she's in school. In the kitchen with a ball and chain attaching you to the stove.
I'm a man, I know thats dumb BUT ITS FUNNY. Think on it. If you hate it tell me so. TELL ME SO. I'll try to shut the fuck up and not press subjects you ask me not to press anymore. I'll move on for you because I love you and I'll try to work with you in whatever way you need to be workin it out
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
You lookin hard for a place to go? I'll do whatever I can to help you and my child. Living here is a big step and I'm not gonna push it on you, after you stated that shit about bein a chicken I choose the things I want alot more careful with you, like that song 'good enough'
"careful what you ask of me, because I can't say no to you"
This clean slate thing, still foggy. If you explain it better I would be very interested.
Some things don't go away. Like our debt. But many things do go away I suppose. Are you asking for forgiveness?
Are you saying you will forgive me for the terrible lie and sin that took you from me initially in the Iron home?
Dominance was an issue, I assume equality will have to be made a strong chain between us.
The conditions are consistently proper for you to return, but this will happen again and again. If you come back soon, before I find another shiney object you wont see how I change my stance with the new girl to support our ongoing intimate and serious friendship.
Lots of motivation to not get together I assume. I said things I believed at the time, takes time for me to catch up with my emotions
"careful what you ask of me, because I can't say no to you"
This clean slate thing, still foggy. If you explain it better I would be very interested.
Some things don't go away. Like our debt. But many things do go away I suppose. Are you asking for forgiveness?
Are you saying you will forgive me for the terrible lie and sin that took you from me initially in the Iron home?
Dominance was an issue, I assume equality will have to be made a strong chain between us.
The conditions are consistently proper for you to return, but this will happen again and again. If you come back soon, before I find another shiney object you wont see how I change my stance with the new girl to support our ongoing intimate and serious friendship.
Lots of motivation to not get together I assume. I said things I believed at the time, takes time for me to catch up with my emotions
big ifs
IF you move in, being my girl is not mandatory
IF you aren't the only restriction is richie is not coming here ever
period.
IF you do, we share a room, baby gets a room, but we don't have to share the bed. I would sleep on the floor and move the computer out. I'd store most of my stuff and let you have it be more your room than mine.
IF we do get back together I would consider saving and moving to another place
IF it's too soon for all this rubbish that is totally fine. I do not yet have my hopes and expectations pointed towards our return to togetherness.
That is on you. My choices are easy to make. I feel like I have had you put in a box with my child since we talked about one of us having her full time. I can't imagine watching the child without you, I don't get her to eat right wash right or mind. YAH I'm working on it but you do so good
IF you move in, being my girl is not mandatory
IF you aren't the only restriction is richie is not coming here ever
period.
IF you do, we share a room, baby gets a room, but we don't have to share the bed. I would sleep on the floor and move the computer out. I'd store most of my stuff and let you have it be more your room than mine.
IF we do get back together I would consider saving and moving to another place
IF it's too soon for all this rubbish that is totally fine. I do not yet have my hopes and expectations pointed towards our return to togetherness.
That is on you. My choices are easy to make. I feel like I have had you put in a box with my child since we talked about one of us having her full time. I can't imagine watching the child without you, I don't get her to eat right wash right or mind. YAH I'm working on it but you do so good
you are imagining that the hole inside of you can be filled by something external. That leaving will fix something. It will give you perspective, but will not fill you. Thats what I think, because that's what happened when I left. And now I am back here in this place because this is home for me. My family is here, my support. What more do I need?
Just love and trust and all the things I can find moving around.
You have never become self sufficient. You have never been enough on your own and if you don't come to the point where nothing around you matters and everything around you is awesome because it is then you are fucked man. its all a disaster and only you can be comfortable with what is happening.
we die. this life ends. I don't want to spend it with anyone else anymore. I don't want to find new people I like the ones I have. I can't even see the people I have found.
My idea is for you to come here and be unhappy maybe for 3 years with me. I'll do everything I can, put all my passion into you till our daughter goes to school then you can go to school as well and leave me for some student because nothing is gonna satisfy you here with me but our baby will be more secure and our bills will be paid.
I love you more than I love anything else in my life because I know and trust you. I don't need anything else because you are 100% THE BEST lay and listener everywhere
Just love and trust and all the things I can find moving around.
You have never become self sufficient. You have never been enough on your own and if you don't come to the point where nothing around you matters and everything around you is awesome because it is then you are fucked man. its all a disaster and only you can be comfortable with what is happening.
we die. this life ends. I don't want to spend it with anyone else anymore. I don't want to find new people I like the ones I have. I can't even see the people I have found.
My idea is for you to come here and be unhappy maybe for 3 years with me. I'll do everything I can, put all my passion into you till our daughter goes to school then you can go to school as well and leave me for some student because nothing is gonna satisfy you here with me but our baby will be more secure and our bills will be paid.
I love you more than I love anything else in my life because I know and trust you. I don't need anything else because you are 100% THE BEST lay and listener everywhere
what bothers me is the overbearing experience of leaving for somewhere new and being rewarded. You see for me it wasn't. Maybe I have always been a homebody.
To 'just be single' has been alright but isn't a preference. I don't enjoy it. I guess that's why I was ok with having a child. But then again I ruined your life agreeing to that child. I literally tatoo'd your face like this movie says.
You are fucked man. I love you and I'm here to help you do the right thing more than what you want. It's true that travel would be awesome and nice. You could go out into the world and enjoy many things and many friends and such, maybe see what a shit world there is out there or find a place in it but no matter what our baby is here dealing with the choices that we make together and I can't help but give that precedence over my own desires.
She needs her mother and her father. This is the crucial beginning of her life and she soaks in everything. What is happening when she hits school? suddenly the middle of the day is free, just enough time for you to run off and decide again that this life isn't enough and evaporate into some fantasy land somewhere else. Leaving me behind.
We
and I mean we, need to save up and travel. Basically what I hear and always will here is that I am not good enough the way I am
To 'just be single' has been alright but isn't a preference. I don't enjoy it. I guess that's why I was ok with having a child. But then again I ruined your life agreeing to that child. I literally tatoo'd your face like this movie says.
You are fucked man. I love you and I'm here to help you do the right thing more than what you want. It's true that travel would be awesome and nice. You could go out into the world and enjoy many things and many friends and such, maybe see what a shit world there is out there or find a place in it but no matter what our baby is here dealing with the choices that we make together and I can't help but give that precedence over my own desires.
She needs her mother and her father. This is the crucial beginning of her life and she soaks in everything. What is happening when she hits school? suddenly the middle of the day is free, just enough time for you to run off and decide again that this life isn't enough and evaporate into some fantasy land somewhere else. Leaving me behind.
We
and I mean we, need to save up and travel. Basically what I hear and always will here is that I am not good enough the way I am
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